Issue at nursery

[deliwoman1]

Sorry in advance for the essay!

Since starting nursery a couple of months ago, our 13 month DD has developed a very strong attachment to a member of nursery staff. I'm pleased she's made a connection with someone (who isn't her keyworker 😬) but the nursery have reported that things have gotten a little intense...

If the staff member is in the same room as DD, she wants all her attention constantly, which is tricky given she has other things to do sometimes. DD will scream at the top of her lungs and go into full meltdown if the staff member can't give her her full attention, but apparently seems fine if she's isn't in the room/available as an option. The staff member has had to cover her face so DD wouldn't realise she was nipping in to do something. All the nursery staff seem surprised by how well she 'knows her own mind.'

They said today that they've been trying to help her connect with other staff members and also to discourage the tantrumming by letting her know that it's not the way to get attention. I was a bit stunned and need to ask more questions about this. But I'm now worried she's being left in distress. I get that it's not an ideal situation for the staff member, but I'm not sure what to do here to help matters. I definitely can't bear the thought of her being ignored or left to cry by herself to be 'taught' a lesson, but I'm also not sure how I can determine whether or not that is actually happening.

It's not totally out of character for DD tbh. She does tend to 'choose' or 'reject' people quite strongly. Also she's currently experiencing a degree of separation anxiety at home and is taking against her Dad on occasion. He's very hands on, and has been since she was born - as close to 50/50 parenting as is possible for a baby who was BF (he bottle-fed expressed milk from 7 weeks).

Can anyone offer any advice? DD goes to nursery 3 days a week, and her dad is currently taking care of her for the remaining two days while I work (unavoidable, sadly, but I'll be able to do a day from Sept, while DP does the other). I do mornings (and we all have breakfast together before she goes), nursery pick-up around 5ish, and evenings, and then we're all together at the weekends. I wonder if the problems are all my fault for being absent? I feel terrible about that.

Any advice welcome on what could be going on/how to help improve things! 🙏

I'd trust them to know what they are doing tbh they've probably had similar

Oh thats a tough one OP. I'm surprised nursery have made a deal about it or even told you the worker is having to cover their face. They get this all the time. They usually just deal with it.

Not a huge amount of advice I'm afraid bit how is DD when you pick her up? Is she happy? You will never have definite proof that's what's happening so can't really go in all guns blazing about it.

@greenteaandmarshmallows I hope so!

@Cluelessfirstimer She's fine when I pick her up. Not overly excited to see me or anything but definitely not objecting to being taken home. She's usually fairly jolly on the walk home too, chatting to herself, checking out dogs, etc. 😂 I knew she'd bonded to the nursery worker but I guess they do seem a bit surprised by it. I think they told me because DD had a rough day with it today, and because of the fact it's become a bit of an issue and they have to actually do something to mitigate it. I think they care about the kids so I don't feel I need to be all guns blazing, but I'm just a bit concerned about their approach. I think a good chat is in order!

I’m surprised the nursery have even mentioned this. This isn’t unusual behaviour and something she will grow out of. She’s made a secure attachment with a member of staff that makes her feel safe and secure, i too would be questioning why they are trying to teach her that this isn’t okay. She’s 13 months old, all she understands is that she has found a safe person at the setting and she wants her attention! I’d be having a chat with them about this!

@Nancy155 thanks, I plan to. I think from their perspective it’s just a bit impossible to have one member of staff focused so intently on one child alone. The others need to be able to pitch in with our DD, if necessary. I guess it’s the same at home when I need a break and DP needs to step in! That said, I’m so glad she’s found a person who makes her feel very safe there. I don’t want that damaged in any way.