How do you manage really unkind behaviour in a 6 year old?

[Mortgageportgage]

Dd is a bit sneaky, she'll always blame her younger brother for things, isn't always particularly kind and caring, I appreciate 6 year old aren't empathy queens but comparing her to family members and friends children she's definitely not the kindest.

This evening she was being really furtive when clearing the table before dinner. She put something in the bin sneakily and when I looked to see it was her brothers little fidget thing, his favourite toy. I was really upset by her behaviour, and told her (calmy) to go to her room and stay there as I didn't want her to sit with us all when she'd done something so unkind.

She went upstairs crying and I went up, told her I loved her but that she needs to stay in her room etc. She says she's sorry, but it's a "sorry I got caught" really.

I'm at a loss, I appreciate kids fight and wind each other up, but this is another level of sneakiness and I'm a bit worried about it. She can't / won't explain why she did it, and it is just a horrible thing to do.

Any advice?

I think I’d be on the look out for kind behaviour, especially towards her brother, and really praise her for it every time I saw anything in the hope that might help her get in a more positive pattern.

Why do you think she did it? For attention however negative? Because her little brother gives a great big reaction when she’s unkind? Because she’s perceived something else as unfair?

I’d also be thinking about whether she needs more adult 1:1 time without her brother - possibly there’s some sibling jealousy there and she needs help to feel secure in her relationships with you / dad.

And consistently taking the time to discuss emotions and model empathy when things don’t go to plan.

I assume she’s out of her room now? Don’t isolate her up there all evening - give the consequence, discuss it, move on.

I used to do this sort of thing all the time to my little brother. They get to an age and stage when they can ‘fight’ back! I think I was a bit jealous of him because he got a lot of attention due to being the youngest in the family and the only boy among lots of girl cousins etc. I don’t think my parents realised just how fed up of it I was and they probably didn’t realise what they and others, like grandparents, were doing. To be honest, I’m not sure I could’ve articulated it at the time either. If it reassures you, I am a very kind and caring adult!

@Yourebeingtooloud thanks for your reply.
I think we do quite well at one to one time, they each have their own interests and activities, get one to one time with me and dad, plus special time alone with grandparents etc. If anything she does better out of the deal as she gets taken shopping, has extra time after brother is in bed etc.

I don't think she put the toy in the bin for a reaction, she genuinely didn't think she'd get caught. They hadn't been squabbling or anything before hand so it wasn't done in a moment of fury or anything.

I asked her to join us again and she asked when her Amazon parcel she'd asked for was arriving! I told her that I would be keeping it back until she shows me that she's kind, it just doesn't seem right to give her a treat just now.

@Retrievemysanity thank you! I do occasionally worry she's going to grow up to be not so nice, so hearing that you're a kind lovely person who also did stuff like this is reassuring.
I don't think her brother gets more attention, he possibly gets a bit more time as I dress him, brush his teeth, bath him etc, where as she is more self sufficient, but they get equal attention from us all for playing, crafting, chatting etc.
Maybe she's just fed up of being with him a lot in the holidays, they spend much more time apart during term time.

Is she only unkind to her brother? How is she with school classmates, unrelated younger children, animals...?

@Jibo we don't have much to do with animals. She's fairly interested in holding babies but then gets bored of them (understandably).
She's got plenty of friends at school and hobbies, but I do notice on playdates she can be a bit passive aggressive (not quite but I can't think of a better word). So if we offer a playdate kid a lolly for example and she picks the last one, my dd will be saying "I'm soooo glad I didn't have that stinky lolly, mine is much better, I can't believe you picked that stupid one" and the like, so she's quick to become jealous and can't hide it.

@Mortgageportgage she’ll be lovely don’t worry. I definitely got labelled as the argumentative and spiteful one and him as the loving and kind one which made it worse so try to avoid that if possible! Hard to describe it. I just remember being really pissed off with him/the situation until I was a teenager and then we became best friends.

@Retrievemysanity thank you, that's made me feel a lot better

Yes, I think what you have here is sibling rivalry leading to a generally slightly insecure/competitive mindset, not a horrible unkind child. Don't tolerate deliberate meanness or violence, but don't overthink it either. And try to make sure she has some "big girl" privileges (ideally things that little brother won't notice/care about) rather than going out of your way to treat both DCs exactly the same.