Regret having a baby

[Lonewolf20]

Young single FTM here (23). DD is nearly 9 months old and I wish I had an abortion in my pregnancy. I feel guilty saying this because I love her so much and she’s the best little girl I’ve ever met, but I’m really struggling with the aspect of doing this alone, giving up my entire life to look after her, not being able to pursue my career goals, being bound to this shitty town because of her dad and resentment towards him as he is enjoying his life whilst I’m here struggling with parenthood and my mental health.

my life at the moment is very tedious, I don’t have a lot of friends so I don’t even have anyone to talk to which is completely isolating and lonely.

I have very little support even though I live at home with my family(they aren’t obliged to help I know), and the relationship I have with her dad is very sour so I don’t get much support from him either. I strongly dislike him, he is a big reason why I’m depressed because I feel completely trapped and bound to him because of our daughter even though we’re not together.

The idea of giving her to her dad and running away to another city/country and restarting my life goes through my mind a lot, but I also cannot abandon her and leave her with him as he is so useless and I would hate for her to think I left her behind. But I can’t go on like this and she doesn’t deserve a mum like me who isn’t capable of motherhood .

I don’t want to feel this anymore but I’m at a loss. Everyone says things get better when the baby get older but by the way things are going, I physically don’t have it in me to keep on like this for much longer. I want it to stop.

You poor thing, that sounds horrible for you that you feel that bad. How rubbish for you. I can’t think of much advice for you (but I’ll have a think)…..no doubt others will have an idea.

my only thought is and it might feel impossible at the moment (so sorry if it does) but maybe you can start thinking about what you’d like to do with your life when she’s a bit older and she’s at nursery / school etc…… e.g planning a career etc / where you’d like to live / perhaps little trips away with her.

for the moment are there little things that you can do each day that brings a little joy. Nice bit of treat food / good series on tv. September time you could try and seek out some nice baby groups (some are better than others!).

at some point she’ll not be a baby but a child / teenage / adult who can be on your team…..remember it won’t always feel this crap.

that’s my only thoughts at the mo, but you sound amazing doing all this by yourself so you should be proud.

take care and also don’t feel bad for how you are feeling.

fingers crossed others will give you some ideas x

Also you might be like me and need some medication (I went on anti depressants after having my son) and that made things a bit more manageable…..so perhaps speak to doc.
also your little girl will be fine pleased she had you, she doesn’t deserve more as she has you and I bet she loves you so munch !!!!!

Hi Lonewolf

I’m 42 and I find motherhood really tough. I also have a nine month old. I went to a breastfeeding group and a midwife there suggested I contact the mental health services so I did and they gave me 12 CBT sessions, which were
helpful. I think in some areas they have groups where you can get support. I think they are called break out groups. You could look up what support is out there. There was something else here where you can get someone visiting you and maybe helping and chatting to you for a hour each week but I didn’t use that service. There is also Gingerbread the single parents charity.

Local playgroups and classes help break up the day but don’t necessarily help in any other way.

My partner and I have no practical support despite offers of help while pregnant. Could you ask parents or any family to look after baby if only for an hour or two so you can get some head space or doing something for yourself? I’m in the process of planning a schedule for when me and me partner can go out separately to do things, and trying to book things for when we could do something together otherwise it never happens.

Also do you have to stay where you are for your Daughter’s father? It doesn’t sound like he’s helping so should he be
someone you consider?

I hope you get some good advice.

So sorry you're feeling that way OP. I'm in my 30s and one of my best friends had a baby in her late teens, I think initially it was a shock to the system and like you she didn't get on with her ex, she dropped out of her course and had quite a difficult time. My friend is in her 30s and she is having the time of her life, when her DC was a toddler she went to uni and got a lot of funding and childcare support. She has a great job and is in a lovely relationship. She is enjoying going out regularly and on holidays while the rest of us are just in the baby stage. She has said she is so happy how it's all worked out and she has money now to enjoy herself. Her relationship with her ex isn't great but they have minimal contact and just text to confirm collection times and her child is old enough to say how the contact went and if they want to go.
If speak to your GP about some mental health support and see it there are any groups you could go to to meet other mums it may help to see you're not alone. Hopefully your ex can step up and maybe take your DD for a long weekend and you can get away with your friends. I found that really helped, I luckily had a few hens to go to which helped me feel like myself after having DC.

Oh OP. I felt exactly like you until my baby was around 7 months (she’s now 9months). I’m still with my husband but also had thoughts of fleeing and leaving her with him. I was so down and felt like my life was over (I’m 25). Things that really helped me:

• reaching out to the health visitor and speaking to someone about how I felt
• getting outside every single day. Forcing myself to baby groups and for coffees with the mums after. I found they were all quite a bit older than me but the social interaction still helped so much.
• prioritising my mental health over everything - cleaning/washing or whatever that could wait would wait and I’d spend most of naptime having a nap myself or a hot cup of tea or watching shit on tv.
• setting myself long and short term goals surrounding health, career, social life etc. Some as simple as take a multi vitamin and drink water every day.

Going back to work has had the biggest impact on me. I went back when dd was just turning 8 months and I honestly felt like a new woman. Could you afford to go back sooner rather than later? I went back 3 days and I now cherish my time with my baby so much more and feel like a better parent. Life sounds really hard right now but things can only go upwards.