Apologies in advance this is a bit of a sorry for myself post.
I've just seen a picture of my group of friends who I would hang out with Pre covid/babies who've all met up for a birthday without me. We have a group chat, and they were all there. So I'm guessing there's some other chat that I'm just not in.
It's been slowly building for a while. We were infertile, and my friend actually started trying early inspired by our struggles and then caught the first month. We had the same period dates, and she hounded me about whether I had come on (I hadn't but alas it was just an anovulation cycle). So when I found out she'd caught straight away I felt kinda crap. And she was so patronising and kinda had too high expectations of how involved I'd be in her pregnancy. So we fell out. In a weird way, she moaned to everyone about me behind my back to the point her sister had a go at me on a night out and then it all came out.
Needless to say... I came off the worse as the bitter infertile friend.
Then covid hit, if had a baby through ivf by then. And the week before the 1st lockdown he had an awful case of bronchiolitis and was nearly in icu on a respirator. I had the talk from the consultant it wasn't looking good... And then amazingly he turned a corner just in time.
This gave me insane anxiety through covid naturally as he got that ill just from a cold. And I was really strict with the covid guidelines.
No one really seemed to empathise though, I guess until you actually are in that position it's hard to imagine.
Cut 3 years later... I'm just not included at all anymore.
My best friend from the group has had an awful time if it with her health and partner with cancer so she's not very available as she gets overwhelmed and I'm that low maintenence friend so we love each other but I don't pressure her to meet up as I know she has a lot on. And if I make big gestures to show I care I usually get the feeling it makes her feel bad for not meeting up more.
I have met new friends through my children, but again I'm a new friend so will never actually be 'first choice'. I'm that friend you call when you want company for your kids rather than a nice coffee and girl chat.
I've just seen this picture from a friend's birthday and I'm just so sad.
Weirdly the insanely fertile friend I fell out with bought a holiday home the year after us in the same resort so I thought maybe we'd make up. But nothing.
I feel like leaving the group chat and just cutting them off because it's too painful seeing them all get together knowing they haven't thought of me. But that's petty.
Even my family... I'm 10 years older than my sister. So my parents and my sister still do a lot together and I don't (because they love a boozy weekend and we have 2 kids under 5 so it's just not a good mix).
I guess I would just love to be someone's first choice you know? My husband if given a choice would choose time for himself to go on a long cycle or surf. He never ever asks me out on a date or anything like that. Not even for family time.
I'm feeling like maybe there's something wrong with me 😂