I'm terrified that I harmed my DC (now almost 3yo) by the way I continually tried and failed to breastfeed (continually adjusting her latch, dragging her around to useless lactation consultants, putting way to much pressure on her to feed, then stupidly "pace feeding" her with a bottle so she was never really satisfied) and failed to ensure she got enough sleep (didn't protect her from her father who, with the best of intentions, had zero understanding that what babies need is sleep and cuddles, not constant stimulation). Also being so fucking tense for the first year of her life so she probably has no idea how to relax. She does this weird thing which is getting more and more prominent: she kind of gurns, tenses and talks nonsense like "coochy coochy coo" or "cheeky mummy" but pronounced weirdly so it's impossible to understand what she's saying, and grabs my cheeks . She does it during the day a bit but it's most pronounced at bedtime, when it can go on, on and off, for an hour. Nobody else sees it to the extent that I do, and I have no idea if it's a sign of something wrong, and I can't even describe it enough to raise it with a doctor. I worry that it's chronic overtiredness, possibly so chronic that it has fundamentally affected her brain chemistry. She won't go to sleep any earlier than she does, though, so I don't know how to try and fix it. (She'll only go to sleep with me lying next to her, and then only when she's really tired. Tried sleep training when she was around 1 and it was awful for everyone. There was a brief period where she would just like down and go to sleep on her own but then she'd get sick and we'd have to start the whole process again afterwards and in the end I just gave up and started lying with her and co-sleeping, which I don't mind doing at all).
Sorry this is all muddled, I'm upset and just needed to get it out.
(Yes I've had therapy, it was useless)