9-10 year old DD behaviour, am I doing something wrong?

[Autumnisnearlyhere]

I don’t really know how to start this , so apologies for if what I’m going to say next is jumbled and long.

My 9 year old daughter (soon to be 10 in a month) has become increasingly difficult to deal with, to the point i’m in tears most weeks. This has only seemed to have started at the beginning of this year.

There’s been no changes in her home life and nothing external has happened that I can think of that could contribute towards this behaviour. She’s an only child.

From the moment she wakes up (6am regardless of how late she goes to bed) she’s constantly talking, running around, making sure everyone else is up , including the pets. She’s constantly getting in our faces and constantly told to calm down.

I try not to give her too much sugar but she has some (mainly after school) - this doesn’t seem to affect her behaviour either way.

Previously she was quite outgoing and confident but this has changed recently. She’s now gets “stomachache” going to school a lot but when I’ve kept her home she’s fine. I’ve repeatedly asked her in a calming tone if there’s anything wrong and she’s adamant there are no issues.

She’s very possessive over her friends and can sometimes be jealous if a friend of hers comes round and talks to me, she then sulks if she’s not receiving 100% attention.

She often shouts and has loud outbursts and wants to “squish” or “hit something”. (She has a lot of playdoh and slime etc)

I have to remind her to pick up her dirty clothes, to brush her teeth, to brush her hair, and I’m met with much resistance to do these normal daily things.

She’s constantly wanting to know what she’s doing, where’s she’s going, who with, what time etc etc etc, which is difficult now being the summer holidays! She refuses to watch films for more than 20 minutes, is annoyed when her friends don’t message her back on her phone straight away (a phone that was purchased very recently at Christmas).

Whenever I’m talking to another adult (her dad mainly) she’s constantly interrupting with something not urgent . Even when I’m in the bath she’s calling out on the other side of the door asking silly questions.

Sometimes she’s asking me difficult questions like “what’s 12 x 60” and when I say I don’t know she raises her voice and says “WHY don’t you know, you’re an adult!”

She also makes fun of the way I look, something I’ve told her is very hurtful.

I’ve asked her calmly to stop testing me, she apologises but then forgets and starts again the next day.

Her teachers and grandparents all comment about how well behaved she is and how she’s a credit to me so she is definately masking her behaviour around others.

She asks me to help her with her homework / a project but then doesn’t listen to the response and flounces off after 5 minutes. When she’s able to concentrate, her work is really good, her English and Maths are excellent for her age (even her teachers say so) but she just want to rush to the answer rather than listen as to why something is like it is.

I’m at the point now where I just don’t know what to do, I’m wondering if this is typical pre teen behaviour or if there’s something else going on, I try not to take it personally but it’s so very hard and I feel quite down about not making her happy. I often buy and make things which I know she’d like (she’s an avid reader and I made her a special bookmark with her favourite characters and colours) and she just dismissed it and was just really ungrateful about it.

I don’t know what to do really but I feel like I’m failing.

Sounds like adhd. Go and see GP.

I thought ADHD too when reading your post. Sounds like you're trying really hard and remaining calm which is so important (and often not at all easy!).
A certain amount will be her age, but it does sound like she is very effectively masking, as you've identified, when she's with others/school. That sometimes makes it more frustrating for you as she may not therefore be offered any appropriate support through school. I would second speaking to GP and also chat to school as they will likely have ELSA support which could help both you and her manage this.

Retired Senco - can I suggest a referral with Ed pysch? She’s not maintaining an even profile and her behaviour is very like that in of add or adhd. Because she’s masking in school there’s a marked deterioration at getting me in behaviour, imagine the frustration of keeping everything in all day . Home is her safe space … safe travels let it all out. Think about referral. Xx

Sorry I’ve had a stroke. Home is her safe space, safe to let it all out.

My thought was also ADHD.

This has only seemed to have started at the beginning of this year.

(a phone that was purchased very recently at Christmas).

I'd have a think about how these two statements relate to each other. How closely are you monitoring what she's doing with her phone? How much is she using it? Why did she need a phone at 9 years old?

No advice I'm afraid but interested in replies as my 7 yo DD is very similar. We have had some disruptions in routines, so I had put it down to anxiety/disruption. She has always been very emotional and demanding of attention, but this has really ramped up recently. A couple of things I find really challenging....when she is told not to do something/told off she immediately thinks I don't love her. She has no insight whatsoever that I may be telling her off because of her behaviour...she can't see she's doing anything wrong. Gentle parenting techniques just have no effect unfortunately. I really empathise with the feeling of failing, and I feel like I can't connect with my DD. Have you considered counselling/family therapy? That may be our next step. X

if this has only started at the start of this year, I very much doubt its adhd

This also stood out to me. Your dd is only slightly older than my son and he and his friends are in no way old enough to know what is and isn't appropriate for messaging etc. Her possessiveness over friends...none of that is going to be helped by whatsapp etc. When my dd's classmates all started getting phones (in year 6) there were many fallings out etc. Do you look at her phone and what is being viewed, sent etc?

DS is very similar in all of these aspects - right down to the mental maths questions and being 100 miles an hour all day every day.
He is 8, and needs to be repeatedly asked to calm down, slow down, he's just a buzz of energy - we've always joked that he's like a dog and needs 2 good walks a day (which really helps tbf) I've never thought of any ADHD etc, especially when speaking to friends with similar aged children, surely they're just being kids?!

I agree you should look into assessment for ADHD.

I think the phone is a red herring. Phone use can exacerbate other problems but doesn't cause ADHD like behaviour all by itself.

If it's only started this year it doesn't sound likely to be adhd, more like a phase caused by something or just a developmental phase thing. It's quite concerning that everyone's answer to children with any type of behaviour difficulties is adhd.

Ok this is a bit like a revelation to me. My DD is 8 and you have described her to a tee. Previous to this hyper like behaviour she was very emotional, crying all the time and struggling to sleep. I mentioned this to her teacher and she said it happens, a child reaches Yr 3 and they become very emotional, she said it was hormones. We have seemed to move through the tears now but it’s just incessant talking, interrupting me talking to someone else half way though with a very basic non question, she is being awful to her brother, really catty and cruel, and eating endless amounts. I just thought it was all preteen tendencies.
Another similarity is she recently has started using the family computer, my husband cleared it out and she can only access three websites but I have seen a serious decline in her behaviour since then so I’m considering taking it out her room. This age feels 100% harder than the toddler years

My dd is the same and just been diagnosed combined type ADHD.

Hi all, thanks for your insights and inputs.

The phone was literally because all of her friends had one and she was the only one left out. She doesn’t use it that much actually and I check her messages once a week (she knows this and I tell her when I’m doing it) - there’s nothing untoward as on there and the messages are very much how she would speak to her friends in real life.

I did consider ADHD actually , and it’s confirmed I do need to consider making GP appointment. The cajoling to get her into school every day was getting a bit much, she’s just very anxious all of a sudden. I’ve tried speaking to her teacher about her behaviour at home and reluctance to go to school a couple of times and I was met with “well she’s fine here ?” Yet I know there’s at least 3 children in her class under SENCO care who are treated differently and taken seriously.

@Thirty5 yes sorry to hear you are going through it too and I have thought it’s hormones but didn’t think it was start this early, there’s no other symptoms apart from her awful mood.

Sounds very much like my 11 year old daughter who has ADHD!

Im another one who thought ADHD too. My dd was diagnosed last year age 11. Very similar presentation, she was also quite anxious and overly emotional.
I can remember sitting in school and crying because I was struggling so much with her at home to maintain a self care routine, tidy her room, get dressed in the mornings. She wouldn’t sleep at night and had become a very picky eater, wouldn’t wear certain types of clothes and had to know exactly what we were doing all the time!

My dd was diagnosed as dyslexic and in that assessment it was suggested she was assessed for adhd. School thought she was fine as she wasn’t performing below average but she knew she was struggling and was convinced she was stupid hence her avoiding school.

She attended ELSA sessions at junior school and the first term of secondary. She is flying now, she’s still terminally unorganised, hyperactive and gets shattered but as she has grown up a bit she is more able to focus her energy. I build in a lot of ‘downtime’ after school so she can decompress before doing any homework. I support her by organising her time with her and she copes much better with structured routines. As she is less anxious I find she is more curious to try new things.

Sorry this is an essay but hope you find some helpful tips.

@Biscuitandacuppa thank you for your detailed post, it gives me hope, the picky eating thing is new as well!

i think I’ll make a GP appointment and go from there. My husband isn’t keen as doesn’t want her “labelled” but he’s not the one taking primary care of her most of the day every day!

The 'label' can be empowering and provide support. Pretending it's not there is worse and isolating.

I agree with this!

i just feel so bad for her and can see she’s struggling with her emotions, I get the brunt of it but it can’t be easy for her either .

The ‘label’ really helped my dd, she could then understand that she wasn’t ‘stupid’ or ‘weird’ (which were the labels she had given herself) she is just wired differently. That has helped enormously for her self esteem.

Oh dear, this sounds exactly like my (only just turned) 9 yo DS. His sister is autistic and I had wondered if there was some neurodiversity in him too, but it presents so differently from his sister's I couldn't think what it could be.

Sounds like I may need to have him assessed for ADHD then - he doesn't have a phone, and has behaved like this for years.

Puberty, hormones can make people behave in all sorts of strange ways.