Advice needed before I go crazy!!

[UpandDown12345]

Hi,
I'm looking for some (non judgemental) advice. We are a family of 3. Me, my husband and our 5.5yo child.
I'm 39yo and my DH is almost 41yo.
For some context, I am an only child (parents both passed also) and my DH just has 1 sibling (who I can't envision ever having children tbh) , so my child has 1 (uninterested) aunt and no cousins on either side, a very small family circle.
This brings me to my issue. The talk of a second baby has been on the horizon for 2/2.5 years and I just can't commit to actively ttc. TBH, the only reason I would be having a baby is to give my child a sibling. I don't know if this is reason enough. I'm so torn, that I'm almost depressed. I suffered with very bad HG in pregnancy and PPD which I don't think ever went away fully.
My husband knows all of this so has left the decision to me in a way. He would love the thoughts of another baby but he knows I'm worried that, without being dramatic, I would lose myself even more than I did after my first . I'm so sad as I write this but I'm ashamed to say it out loud.
Is giving your 1st child a sibling reason enough to have number 2?

Not in my books. It really is okay to just have one child. Putting yourself in a position where you may have a difficult pregnancy again and have PND all just to give your first child a sibling is crazy to me.

Now, if you really wanted to have another child and one of the many pluses was that your child would have a sibling then of course go for it. However, that’s not your situation. Mine have a 11 month age gap which wasn’t planned at all. My labour with my daughter (first child) was awful, just awful. If I had given it some time and thought, I never would have put myself in a situation to potentially have another child.

Speak through things with your husband but as a mum, most of the pressure gets put onto us. It’s our body that carries and births the baby. Along with any emotional/mental struggle that can come with it. Your husband may like your child to have a sibling but he’s not the one going through all of that. Good luck with whatever happens in the future!

Being an only child you're probably more qualified to answer this than most. Are you happy as an only child? Would you be happy for your DS to be? Do you wish you had a sibling?

Tbh I think having the gap that you do will mean they're not particularly close as children and that will possibly carry over into adulthood.

Ultimately, you shouldn't have a baby you don't want for any reason.

Honestly with next to no family around my child yes I would- just being honest.

No one should have a child if they don’t want it. But the lack of family in your situation would be a big deal for me. I came from a much bigger family then you and have been glad to have them on numerous occasions as an adult.

I LOVE both my kids but it's a tough dynamic, it makes more sense now we know our eldest is autistic, but by god they bicker, I'm on antidepressants and a lot of that is because of managing two very different children with different needs. They have gorgeous moments but they are gems amongst the coal (I'm on a wet Wales holiday right not, might not be as positive as usual!)

On the other hand, I have two brothers in their 40s and although we had a rocky relationship as teens, I really value them now. But there is no way of predicting how you'll be.

And having a sibling by no means will guarantee a good relationship and support when they're older.

It’s entirely your choice. I had two with virtually no family support. They were really close in age and the best of friends and good company for each other for a long time. Then had a time hating each other. It was hectic and extremely hard work. One child would have been much less hectic.

As they get older your child may go on the occasional sleepover or go away with school or a group activity giving you a little bit of free time. But it would be highly unlikely to have two children away at the same time ever in my experience.

Go with what feels right for you.

I agree

I would not have a child just to give a sibling.

There is literally no guarantee they will even get on.

I was an only child with no interested family or cousins and I had a great time, never knew any different!

Remember you set the tone for your family. DC need never know they are supposedly 'missing out'.

I have siblings and love it and I’m dreading not giving my child one from me. I have 2 siblings from
my dad who I never see. My child has 3 siblings and doesn’t see them now so what hope does she have so I feel like I need to.

MN always advises not to have a second baby just to give a child a sibling, but it was the main motivation for us to have DC2 and it was absolutely the right thing for our family. The bond between the dc is amazing. I didn't have any issues with pg or PPD though so in a way it was an easy decision. It's a busier life for me but I also work very short hours so I know I'll get back some time for myself once DC2 is in nursery. I am not sure if I would have made the same decision if I was working ft out of the house, as I'd always be either at work or dealing with the 2 dc.

I can't believe some of the responses on here. You do not have another child unless raising another child is what you really want to do. You don't have one just to give it the job of being your existing child's family member, who may not even ever be close, btw. You have another baby because you want another child to care for and love for the rest of your life.

TBH, the only reason I would be having a baby is to give my child a sibling.

If this is the case, then your answer is a clear no.

In your circumstances, no I wouldn't.

I have one sister. Honestly, life would have been much easier as a child without her. It might have been a bit more boring at times but we never got on. As adults we get on OK, but I wouldn't actually say she adds anything to my life. I'm not complaining, but we basically live totally separate lives as we're totally different people.

With a large age gap, they are less likely to be friends in the short term. They will have fewer years living together and will be at very different life stages.

If you're not sure about another child, and if it might strain your mental health and have a negative impact on your existing child, I really don't think you should.

I really need advise as I’m not sure what I’m meant to do.
My midwife put me at almost 3 month pregnant and booked me in for my sizing scan at the hospital. When I went for my scan they couldn’t see the baby and I was told I had miscarried and I would need to let my midwife know.
I did as I was told and I let her know what was said.
however the next day I got a phone call asking me to go back to the hospital the following week for another scan as they now think I’m not as far along as the midwife thought and this is why they couldn’t see the baby.
So to be told I had definitely lost my baby then to be told there was a chance I hadn’t I’m very confused and needed advise.
I have tried to get in touch with my midwife however I think she’s dropped me and has blocked me as her phone number no longer works.
Do I need to get a new midwife or do I wait and see what the hospital says? This is my first baby and I feel like I have been left on my own with no advise and I’m unsure what happens now?

You need to start your own thread as you won't get many replies here.

Your midwife will not have blocked you.

Call your maternity unit, tell them what has happened and ask what you need to do next.

I am an only child of a single parent with no cousins etc, so my mum is my only family and the thought of being a bit alone when she goes does scare me a bit. I didn’t mind not having siblings at all when I was younger but now I do feel a bit sad that when my mum goes, there will be no one to say “remember when…” to. Obviously I know there’s no guarantees that they will get on in adulthood, but my partner has a lovely relationship with his siblings which I am a bit envious of. I had a difficult pregnancy and an incredibly traumatic birth but would like to have another child because of the above, however my DD will have cousins on that side which provides me some comfort if we couldn’t have any more children. That all being said, it’s also completely fine to have only one child and there are many benefits to being an only child, I think i’m a lot more independent because of it. I also had all of my mums love and attention growing up and we are still extremely close.