I feel such a failure - DC are horrible

[BlowDryRat]

I have two DC (13 and 10). The older one only speaks to me nicely when he wants something. The rest of the time, it's constant moaning, scowling and complaining. If he doesn't get his way then he flips straight into "You're so mean, it's so unfair" mode. The younger one has such an attitude and is so bloody rude. She absolutely will not listen to the word "No" and tells me constantly how weird and embarrassing I am, when she's not demanding that I do/buy things for her.

Nothing is ever good enough. They ruin days out bickering and demanding things. DH (not their useless father) and I tell them off but they're straight back to it a second later.

They're both absolutely vile to me and I'm so hurt. How do I address this?

Sound like normal “ Kevins” to me!
Don’t be bullied by your own children!
Boundaries and firmness- Don’t be a walkover.

Easier said than done, but kids seem to like structure and discipline.

Good luck!

That's exactly how I feel: bullied.

DD had her friends over on Saturday for most of the day. They did some crafts they wanted to do and I took them swimming. One minute she was reminding me loudly not to embarrass her, the next she was making arrangements with them (without asking) for me to take them to an expensive climbing wall.

I've just spent £500 replacing school equipment that DS lost/broke last year, including his Chromebook. He couldn't care less and I just get whinged at for getting him the wrong colour ruler or other such crap.

Well you can stop doing those thoughtful and generous things of course.

Why are you being a doormat with them? I'd tell dd off and tell her if she is ever rude to me when she is having a friend over then she won't have friends over. Stop letting them walk all over you.

Stop buying them so much , they are just seeing you as there you dish out the cash . Start not being able to afford it as xmas is coming .

"Oh well I'll have that ruler back then, and the laptop, and you can have it back when you've apologised and are speaking to me like a human being. Oh and by the way I'm too busy to give you a lift tomorrow."

Then go turn off the Wi-Fi 😂

This. If it helps OP I was a vile horrible brat as a kid/teen. I honestly cringe with disgust looking back at how I treated my parents, I felt so much unexplainable hormonal anger and rage at them. Rest assured that by my 20s we had a lovely relationship and I went on to work in psychology helping others. I also cared for both of them in later life. So, just because they’re selfish brats now doesn’t mean they’ll stay that way. But definitely impose consequences to their behaviour.

Striking works.. If they can't show you respect as their dm then you withdraw dm duties. I stopped doing dd's laundry at 13 as it went in the floordrobe. Homemade teas happen when manners happen.. Or it's self service from the freezer. Phone top ups happen when a tidy room happens.

I told DD I'm not taking her climbing. I'm busy working.

DS is getting his own clothes, shoes & equipment budget from September. Hopefully that will focus his mind on how much things cost to replace. One week he ripped through a pair of school trousers every single day at school playing football in the playground. His school shoes looked like something out of an Oliver Twist adaptation within a month. It's just ridiculous.

To be fair, I was a horrible teenager too I remember the hormone rage feeling very well!

There you go, it’s karma then! 😂
But seriously, it does sometimes help to remember that teen feeling because it’s horrible, you feel so confused and out of control of your own moods. Like having permanent PMT. That doesn’t excuse poor behaviour of course but it helps to remember it’s not deliberate or malevolent.

Withdraw services and remind them how rude they are being , you're not alone my DS10 was awful one day last week I was close to tears after everything I do for him . We gave him a firm talking to and he has been a lot better since.

@BlowDryRat Was discussing this subject today with my {now adult} son {A teenager attempted to rob me the day before {I was able to retaliate and thankfully kept my bag!} hence the discussion with son.

I sat them down this morning and explained how I feel about their behaviour, giving specific examples. DD was inclined to argue about it but I cut her off. DS seemed to take it to heart. Both have made an effort today. Fingers crossed it sinks in.

It's a good job they're cute when they're asleep. I still check on them every night before I go to bed and they look positively angelic.

I know it's hard, but it's also normal OP!

Very often when we are in the thick of it, we can only see the difficult aspects of it - certainly is the case with me. The discussion you had sounds positive.

I think you need to pick a few clear areas and set boundaries - e.g. regards amount you are prepared to spend on clothes, what happens if he breaks his Chromebook, the deal around playdates. Make these crystal clear to them and then if they try something, just remind them, clearly, but without a big row.

From my kids, I know when I'm exasperated and cross with them, they ultimately tune out. If I can keep it clear and straightforward, what I need them to do, it works better. And also, the stuff that enrages us as adults, just doesn't connect with them.

I do think the respect is important - you need to call it out, give them a chance to improve and a consequence if they don't, and do this consistently. If they think that sometimes, rudeness or pestering gets them what they want, they'll do it more.

This ^.

You're a mother not a servant.

Pull on your big girl pants and parent them.

My pda autistic child sounds a lot like that.