Help telling 8 year old about Bio dad

[Blanket12]

I really need some advice on how to go about this so I can approach and tell my child in the most appropriate way.

Back story:

I had my child aged 19, I was with their father from age 16, not long after having our child he became an absent father, we didn't live together and split up when our child was 4 months old, he didn't form a bond with our child and often came up with excuses not to see us even when we were still together ( I later found out he was possible cheating on me) after we broke up contact and maintenance money happened very rarely and in the last 6.5 years hasn't happened at all. I have thought about going through the CSA to claim but had decided it really showed what kind of man he was to abandon his child and not care financially and I didn't want to deal with the stress of it at the time.

I met someone a few months later when my child was almost 7 months, we started seeing each other only at weekends, fast forward almost 8 years and we live together and have had another child. Anyway the partner I have been with since has stepped up and been the best dad to my 8 year old and my 8 year old has only ever known him and called him dad since they could talk.

I feel I need to tell my child the truth about their biological father as in their head my current partner is their only father and doesn't have any knowledge about their bio father. I have probably left it too late and I have always intended to have this conversation with my child but really want to explain it in the best way possibly and causing minimal upset.

I don't want to keep it a secret anymore and I don't want to leave it too late.

Their father (my ex) has moved away and gone on to have other children so If my child did want to see their bio dad I would try and contact him to arrange this, I am not against them forming a relationship although this may upset my current father as he loves my child like his own and doesn't want their current relationship to be affected but understands how important it is for our child to know about his bio dad. I also worry how my child will take this news and I don't want them to feel any different to their sibling.

I have also had recent thoughts about trying to claim maintenance from my child's dad as I really feel that he should be financially supporting his child at the very least.

Anyway sorry for the essay, my big question is how on earth do I go about approaching this with my 8 year old?

I am hoping to tell him during the school holidays

No advice

Bump

I would sit them down and explain in a child-friendly way, the exact truth about the situation including how loved they are by your partner.

Thank you so much for your reply, obviously my child doesn't know about the birds and the bees yet so I was hoping to word it by saying when I decided to have a baby I had a different partner but he wasn't ready to be a Dad so it was just me and you for a while until we met your Dad who was ready to be your Dad and has loved you ever since he met you, but not sure what else to add relating to their bio father.

Honestly, for an 8year old I think combining it with a talk about human reproduction would be the best way. Sperm+Egg=embryo which grows into a baby. Usually sperm comes from Dad and Egg from Mum but sometimes people use a donor or babies get adopted etc. Different kinds of families and all that and ACTUALLY, the sperm that made you came from the man you were dating at the time, but he wasn’t ready to be a dad. Then you met dad when he was a little baby and you’ve been a little family ever since.
It’s not going to make a lot of sense without the birds and the bees part. 8 is a very normal age to start having that conversation. You could get a book to help explain it in an age appropriate way.

I think you need to take your son's lead. For example he might want to know his name and see a photo. Or he might want specifics like what football team he supports.
Be prepared for some difficult questions about why dad disappeared and hasn't been in contact. Make sure he understands that it's nothing that you or your son did.
I wouldn't make any promises like contacting your ex. If you do and he doesn't reply then that could be like a second rejection.

I think it might be a good idea to tell him with your current partner present so your son understands that it isn't a secret.

It's absolutely the right thing to do. I was 13 when I found out my Dad is actually my step-dad. The way I found out was public and traumatic.

I agree that sitting down with your current partner to tell him is a good idea, and to follow his lead. He may want time alone to process it, he may have LOTS of questions. He might even just shrug it off for now and not want to question you further for a while. You know your son best, but no-one can really predict how a child will react to this news.

In my case, I was shut down and had no answers. I filled in the gaps myself, and swung between idolising a father I didn't know to hating him because he abandoned me. It completely destroyed the trust in my parents, that they could lie to me about something so important.

I would advise you to think about having some counselling lined up for him too, because giving him a neutral space to talk about the feelings it will bring up would be beneficial.

I just read my post back and don't want to you think that your son will lose his trust in you. For me it was because the truth came out completely beyond my parents control, and I know they would have carried on the lie if it hadn't happened. I honestly feel that if they had sat me down out of choice I would responded much better.

Can your partner legally adopt him? It might then be easier to explain that the dad he knows as his dad is legally his dad. It seems a bit cruel to tell him his dad isn't his dad, but is his siblings dad. Telling the truth may be cathartic for you, but might be traumatic for him. Is it generally known that your partner isn't his dad? Your son will no doubt tell all his friends, so it will become known to everyone. I know it shouldn't make a difference, but people are an odd lot.

A friend of mine had the very similar circumstances and decided not to tell him... it didn't work well he found out aged 11 and went off the rails.

So it's great you want to be honest with him.

So just talk to him and be prepared for a bit of shock and be ready to show him photos and talk. Answer all questions he has, don't shut him down.
Get his now dad involved in the conversation too.

I think absolutely do it asap, and do it with both you and your partner there, so he can be reassured that there’s nothing secret about it and that nothing will change in his relationship with the man he knows as dad.

Also think he should definitely know about sex by now - my 5 year old has known about it since he was 2 (in an age appropriate way obviously).

re maintenance - it’s unrelated to this stuff really but you and your son are entitled to it.

I'd suggest to his bio dad he either pays maintenance or he signs over his parental responsibility and lets your partner adopt him.

"obviously my child doesn't know about the birds and the bees yet"

Your child is 8, it's far from obvious that they don't know anything about human reproduction! Most children ask where babies come from, surely?! My 6 year old asked and we explained in an age-appropriate way. They should also have basic age-appropriate sex ed at school.

I think you need to do this in two stages. First get a book and look at it together. I strongly recommend "Let's Talk (about girls, boys, babies, bodies, families and friends)" by Robie H Harris. I borrowed it from the library but then bought it. There are good explanations of biological facts but also what different families can be like (eg single parents, separated parents, adopted children, etc.)

Once that has sunk in a bit - your child might bring it up again and have more questions - you could tell him that he has a different biological father.

On a separate note, if you want your partner to have parental responsibility (particularly important if you died, but also important for other reasons) you need to marry him.

Is your child's father named on their birth certificate?

for me I got told when I was 12/14 one of the two.
On occasion I do wonder and have questions about him as it my explain some or a few questions I have but overall I don't think I'll get any answers.

Overall I'm happy with the dad I have even though it's been mixed over the years but it's helped shape me as me.

I think this is a good plan. Plus as @cupofdecaf said find out if the bio dad wants to pay maintenance or give up parental responsibility before you tell him his dad isn't a bio dad. Then you might be able to say that your partner wants to adopt him as long as your son wants that too.

Thank you so much for your response on my post, I wanted to tell him before hormones kick in so it is definitely something I wanted him to know before he's 10. I will definitely answer all the questions and be very honest

I am so sorry this was your experience but thankful you have shared this on my post, this was my worry if I left it too long before telling my child. I will be as upfront and honest as I can and answer all questions that may be asked

Hello,

Thank you for your response on my post, I am aware my child knows some details but its never been brought up before and my children have never asked me, I will look into the book you recommended as I agree it is important for my children to know about their body and reproduction, I am just a bit clueless on what age children learn about these things and as far as I am aware they haven't learnt about reproduction at school yet.

We are looking into parental responsibility and hoping this can be sorted within the next year or so

My childs bio dad is on their birth certificate

Definitely a good idea to do it. And beware of letting it drift - in your last post you wrote definitely before 10, and this is how it slides and slides.

You have to grit your teeth and do it. I suggest role playing it first where your partner pretends to be your DC and throws all kinds of questions at you to practice. Then swap so he is ready too.

I think the wording you suggested upthread sounded good. If it’s gone to put you off telling him about sex first, or at the same time, leave that to another day and just get in and do this because the earlier the better and it is already late.

It’s clear how loved your DC is and so that’s an amazing foundation for them. Good luck!

It's definitely the right thing to tell him the truth, and it needs to be as soon as possible.

He's still at an age where you can casually bring it up at an appropriate time and chat about it without it seeming like it was a big secret. In another year or 2 it may seem like it was hidden deliberately.

The birds and bees chat might be a good start. Maybe get some books about different types of families. Adoption, blended, same sex, fostering etc and say "oh this one is a bit like us because X is your daddy by choice even though he wasn't around when you were born". It just opens the door for an open and honest chat about it without shocking or worrying him.

Good luck!

Thank you for you response on my post, This is something I am hoping to talk to my child about this summer before they are back at school, but in my head I have always thought it is a conversation that we need to have before they are 10 and I think 8 is a good age so it is a conversation that I am preparing for now, I am unsure on the wording without explaining how reproduction works and thank you for the last comment I really appreciate that and we do love our children so much and I think that's why it is so important to get this right as once our child knows there is no taking it back or regretting how things were worded

Thank you so much for your comment, this is how I would like to explain to my child I don't want it to be a big dramatic conversation but also want it to become a known fact that he has a bio dad and then a dad that stepped up and has taken him on as his own since he was a baby, I will have a look at books like that too as I am more keen on explaining different families at this moment in time 😀

How’s it going? Have you been able to tell him?