Did we create a problem for ourselves from the begging as first time parents?

[StrawberryAndCheese]

We have a lovely 2,5 year old DS. Generally he’s quite good with his sleep,slept through from 4 months with some odd waking for a milk before he turned 1.
But he always required someone to stay with him until he falls asleep which in general it’s not a problem.
We go to the bed, say goodnight to everyone, he likes to cuddle a lot and then we just quietly lie next to him until he’s asleep. Sometimes I fall asleep even before him and don’t know when he did. I’ve always thought that if this brings him comfort and makes him feel safe, it’s fine. And honestly I have no problem with this. I’m sure this phase will too pass.

What the problem is that lately he wants only Daddy to do this. But DP wakes up at 6 in the morning, comes home around 6:30pm, and is doing manual labour job, is on his legs all day, works 10h. He’s coming home tired, he wants to shower and eat and just a bit relax. Totally understandable. He still plays with DS and everything and when comes the bedtime he only wants him. Also understandable, he haven’t seen him all day.
So at the bedtime he would try to make me leave, he doesn’t wanna stay with me but his Dad. We tried all kinds of distractions, talks,anything. But soon DP leaves the room he would scream and cry, to the point he makes himself sick and vomits, get out the bed to go look for him.. And we don’t know how to deal with it. DP doesn’t mind staying with him on his days off, the have some chat and laugh, but on weekdays he’s just tired. And I understand both of them honestly.
Did we really created this situation from the beginning and now paying the price? How to make DS to stay with me at bedtime?

Could you try explaining that both mammy and daddy like to take a turn and use a chart to show mammy's nights and daddy's nights so he knows what's coming before he is settling down.

If he is upset on your night I would ride it out otherwise he will see that if he gets upset enough he will get what he wants x

He's never been challenged with boundaries set by you (parents) and has always been able to dictate what happens. Therefore he will struggle accepting new rules.

I think at whatever age if you find it's not working for you any more you need to ease him into a new routine. If he is getting in such a state and your dh can't do bedtime every night then now is the ideal opportunity to have a bit of a reset. What sort of bed is he in? Could it be a good time to transition to a 'Big boy' bed and along with that a new routine of a couple of stories and then he can go to sleep with some music or something?. Obviously, he won't just do it straight away and he might get himself all worked up but all you need to do is keep going back in, tell him 'You're OK, sleepy time now' then leave again. You might have to do this a lot of times the first night but by the end of the week he will have got to grips with the new routine.

I had to do something similar with ny ds when I heavily pregnant. The complete shake up and thinking he was being grown up really helped smooth it along.

Google ‘gradual retreat’. Unfortunately, DP will probably have to do it and it’ll take a week or two, but it should get DS used to sleeping alone while still feeling safe and loved.

I think you should put a stop to the lying down to sleep full stop. Think about creating a new bedtime routine. I would make it in to a social story with pictures. Read some books where children go to bed with a story and a cuddle before mummy or daddy leaves. Decide what you will do and then stick to it. It will likely be hideous for a few days but you will have got your evenings back.

I know you say your dp is happy to do this on his nights off and that you don't mind but it must be very difficult if one of you wants to go out or even just to sit down together in the evening.

It started when his dad went back to FT job, before that he was on part time and before that off from work because of health problems so he’s been around home much more frequently and he’s used to that. We tried to leave him for a while but honestly the screaming and crying is too much to handle and also not fair on neighbours, we live in a flat. And I don’t have that many sheets to change because he cries so much to the point of vomiting.
Only thing that kinda works is just forcefully hold him down and rock to calm him down with dad outside the room. And he just keeps screaming Dada Dada nonstop…

I guess you are with him all day? He sees his daddy less, so he wants to spend time with him at the end of the day.
But it shouldn't be his decision.
You are the parent, you decide who takes him into bed.
What I would do is to ask my husband to tell him that: tonight mammy will take you into bed and you must be nice to her!". If he cries or looking for him I would want him to enter the room and firmly say: you must stop and you must stay with mammy--as many times as needed.
Your husband has to be firm with him.
Also maybe tell him some days where you know your husband will do the nightime rutine: "your daddy will stay with you on Saturday but not today".

Agree with another poster. He sees you all day but misses his dad. He just wants to spend bedtime with him, because he knows he'll be gone in the morning. Perhaps your husband should go out some evenings to break the habit. He won't tantrum if dad's not physically there.