Feeling sad and overwhelmed with baby number 2

[Littletiredzombie6]

Hi all.

I’m currently sat on the couch filled with worry, sadness and regret after having my 2nd child 2 weeks ago.
I feel awful saying that but I’m absolutely exhausted and currently cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I have one DS who is 7. He was such a difficult baby. 9lb 7oz, constantly hungry but had horrendous colic. He cried for months and we finally got a referral for CMA at 4/5 months just for him to grow out of his symptoms. But the damage was done for me. My body took forever to recover after an awful birth, and the loneliness and isolation crept in. I ended up having CBT to try and help with my emotions and I honestly believe I have some form of PTSD from what was such a difficult time. I hated going back to work as I had to juggle all my shifts to ensure we could afford a little bit of childcare.

I only ever wanted one child after this. However, after the pandemic we found ourselves lucky enough to have saved enough money for a bigger house
and my husbands career has bloomed. Our son had started school and my husband said it’d be a good idea. We lost numerous family members during 2020/2021, including my dad and I felt like family was what got us through.
Last year (2022), we decided we’d try and we fell pregnant quickly. It was a bad pregnancy and I was sick for the first 22 weeks, vomiting at least 5 times a day and I lost weight.
As the pregnancy progressed, I found myself thinking ‘Is this a big mistake?’

My eldest was diagnosed with ASD earlier this year and he has his struggles. Although he’s on the spectrum, he’s doing great and is very high functioning (excuse me if that sounds ignorant or not the right terminology- it’s still quite new to us). But I started to believe it wasn’t fair bringing another kid into the world when my eldest needed support.

I’ve hated pregnancy and now our little son is here, I hate the newborn phase. I hate it. I’ve barely slept, I’m Googling everything and it’s the summer holidays so my eldest son is at home too and I cannot do anything with him because I have a baby crying or jobs to do. My husband goes back to work tomorrow and I’m so scared about these next few months. I’m scared about going back to work next year and destroying myself to make ends meet again.
I’m scared I’m going to be unwell again.

I guess I just wanted to vent a bit but please if anyone has similar experiences, please share. Please show me it’s not all doom and gloom.
It’s only been 2 weeks and I already feel like I wish I could turn back time.
I love our new son, so far he’s a bit more relaxed than the last baby but I know that can change as we’re at 2 weeks when all hell can break loose.

Stop and breathe.
All you have to do, until the school holidays are over, is make sure the three of you are fed and clean. That’s it.
Hubby is going to have to dig in and do his share when he’s home too.
Get food delivered. Keep the house tidy rather than clean. You’ll get there 💐

Big hugs. I think we all forget a bit how hard newborns are or we wouldn't have more children!
It took me a few weeks to feel bonded to DD as I was just horrified at the prospect of relentless parenting for the rest of my life. But it got easier and I felt more able to cope and then I actually started enjoying my baby.
Do you have any other family or friends who could help or keep you company while your DH is working?.

Congratulations and hugs op. I’m also in newborn fog with a baby who is 2 weeks old tomorrow and a two and a half year old. I have terrible mum guilt! It’s hard going but this morning I had DS cuddled into one side and DD in the other and it made it worth it after all.

Could your eldest be enrolled onto any holiday clubs or similar for part of the week? DS is at nursery for three days and it is a saving Grace to be honest.

Thanks for replying @Beamur ❤️
unfortunately we’re very much alone.
we only have my husbands mum/stepdad close by and they both work full time and are quite young/social still.
They would help more if they could. My mum lives the other end of the country so she’s too far.
This was actually the case first time around but my husbands mum moved closer to us a few years back to help us when she can with stuff. But she still works full time so it’s not often we see her despite being less than a mile away

Thank you @Summermeadowflowers
Just due to money we’ve not enrolled him
in anything.
I usually work from home and he stays with me during holidays/half terms and it’s always worked but it may have to be something to consider for the future.
I feel like I’m making excuse after excuse 😂 but we made lots of sacrifices moving to our house and now with mortgage rates being horrendous, we have to cut back on a lot of stuff x

I have a 2.5 year old DD and a 6 week old DS, it’s been hard at times to juggle my daughters tantrums and a newborn, but so lovely to see those special moments between them, my son is really looking at her now when she’s talking and playing by him and I’m just holding onto these when it’s tough! Keep going it’s such early days, every pregnancy, birth, newborn etc is different and you don’t know how you’ll feel in a few months time!

Oh OP. It will get better. (I know that's so unhelpful now, but it will!) I remember weeping after DC2 was born, thinking I'd ruined all of our lives - it was so hard. I know exactly how you're feeling, especially the guilt of not being able to do the things you normally would with your elder.

But DC2 is now 18m and they play together all the time. It was so worth it. It will be for you too. Courage! You just have to get through this bit - survival only - and then the good times will come. Honest.

Sending you solidarity and sleep!

You probably have a big hormonal rush now but things will improve. I would drop the pressure to do any little jobs as long as the essentials are done (and get as much outsourced like grocery delivery and food you can throw in the oven).

DC2 was born last year and I had a brilliant time taking DC1 out to parks, shows, soft play, farms, museums. Babies are really portable and sleep a lot. I recommend a sling then you should be able to be a bit active and be involved with your dc1. Contact his friends parents and set up play dates, and check your council's website for activities in the summer, there may be short breaks available for autistic dc. We have lots of sports and arts activities in our area. If you can afford camps, he should be old enough to enjoy those too.

I feel this OP. DS1 was an extremely unsettled newborn/baby and it wrecked my mental and physical health for well over a year. DS2 is also 2 weeks and I’m on tenterhooks waiting for the screaming to start. I can’t wait for the newborn phase to be done already. I want to enjoy it and so far he seems more settled…but I just can’t. I’m too anxious and tired. I hope your DS2 remains settled and you survive the summer holidays x

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate it immensely.
I had a wobbly moment this morning so it really knocked me. All of your responses have been so kind and helpful.
I’m sorry you’re feeling the same way @VivaVivaa ❤️ When you’ve had a hard first experience, you really are just waiting for the ‘bad phase’ to kick in. Every cry is painful for me to hear and I’m sure you feel the same. Here’s hoping our newbies remain chilled and make these next few months (years/decades) easy for us. Lots of love x

I posted something really similar about 6 months ago when my second was born! At 2 weeks your hormones are all over the place and you feel your life has turned upside down. All I can say is that it does get better, just focus on getting through each day.

Month by month I’ve found it easier having two, my second is now 6 months, and whilst it’s hard still it’s also wonderful! I wouldn’t change a thing now My two love each other and seeing the baby laugh at his sister makes it all worth it! My eldest had colic and cried every night for weeks. I remember at 2 weeks with my second worrying about the dreaded colic and if/when it would arrive…it never did! So don’t think too far ahead, just take each day as it comes!

@Tired00 Thank you for sharing ❤️ I’m so glad things have gotten easier and that the colic never kicked in! What a relief! I’m praying for us and that it doesn’t come, it’s soul destroying.
I will try to take things day by day x

Hi @Littletiredzombie6 just wanted to say congratulations on your new arrival and big hugs 🤗 I'm feeling very similar to you at the moment, DC2 is 12 days old and have a 2.5 year old DC1. I find myself crying most evenings and worrying about how I will cope when DH goes back to work. But I think I will try taking one day at a time and hope it gets easier 🙏

Just wanted to say you're not alone and if you ever needed to chat I'm here x

@Littletiredzombie6 very unMN hugs. Your hormones will be all over the place right now. It is still early days and it is always overwhelming. I don't know a single person who breezed through any of it. I liked having friends who told the truth about how hard they found it. Does your eldest have any good friends he could go to for a playdate? Maybe just a morning and you will pick him up before lunch? Would that be helpful to you? TV never killed any child as far as I know, put it on, use what you have to entertain your eldest. Audiobooks too and YouTube.

It is going to feel overwhelming but remember to look back every day and realised you did it, you made it through. The holidays aren't endless and the routine of school will soon start again. I remember Dh going back to work and my Mum leaving when Ds1 was 3 weeks old and looking down at him wondering who had made the decision that I could do this. I felt the same way with Ds2 and he was an incredibly poorly baby. I also had no family help apart from Dh.

Pinterest is full of great ideas for children for entertaining them. Get your Dh to dig deep and he can sort out activity prep work. Also get your Dh to ask him Mum to help out for an afternoon or morning over a weekend. If it is a small chunk of the weekend she is much more likely to repeat it.

Have you any friends who can help out at all with anything? Bringing a lunch for you and Ds1?

Thank you both - @Lwizzer and @BerryGoodPuddingSir ❤️
you’ve both made some great suggestions and I feel better knowing I’m not alone (in a nice way, I wouldn’t want anyone to feel crappy and down!)
it’s definitely been rough with it just really being me and my husband but he’s been great today and calmed little man down through a fussy spell and let me just wash some bottles with some music on. We also took the big lad to a trampoline/inflatable place so it was nice to see him so happy.
I really wish the weather would brighten up, sunshine helps!
Sending you both love and thanks for your kind words, it’s made my day feel so much better after a horrendous night last night 🌺

@Littletiredzombie6 it is easier once you are on the other side, ie my babies are now 20 and 17 years old. It was hard but I had a great husband who came home from work and just rolled his sleeves up and got on with parenting, plus I could escape for 30 minutes and he made me a cup of tea and kept the children downstairs. He had a lie in every Saturday and I got one every Sunday. He was and still is my rock.

I have never forgotten how hard it was and I never sugar coat it. I think knowing and accepting that there will be absolutely horrendous days as well as brilliant moments within that day and looking back over the day, giving yourself a pat on the back and trying to find the happy times. It is a bit like when you are awake at night feeding and you are so tired it is unreal but you look into that adorable face of the cause of your no sleep and your heart just melts. I hope you have lots of positive and happy moments.

Keep posting when you need to, MN is a really good and supportive place. Just don't post in AIBU because that is a bloodbath at the best of times.

@BerryGoodPuddingSir Thank you for being so understanding and for your kind words ❤️ I’m hoping it’ll get better for us soon x