Newborn sleep - only on me (not husband)

[Anonnewbie]

I have a 2 week old baby and he won't generally sleep anywhere except on me and I have no idea how I'm meant to sleep.
He has reflux so often vomits. Whenever he is uncomfortable with it he just wants to feed (I'm breastfeeding).
If I feed him and keep him on me he will sleep for hours on end. If I hand him to his dad or put him in the crib he wakes up and cries and roots until I feed again. I've co-slept in bed for part of the night a couple of times (but would rather not) and even then he often objects to being put down - and usually wakes for a feed every hour.
Now and then he will sleep on my husband or in his own bed/pram, but usually he doesn't sleep as long if this is the case (especially the crib - very rarely sleeps more than an hour in there).
He's better in the daytime so I usually get a bit of a nap (maybe an hour or more) in at some point, but nights are impossible. It feels like there's no point in my husband helping out any more because it just makes two tired people - I might get a bit of rest if he takes the baby and tries to settle him but inevitably the baby doesn't sleep so I'm woken up to feed between 10-45 minutes later.

Everything I see on the internet about sleep issues assumes that the issue is either how regularly the baby needs feeding, or that they will only contact nap (but with dad as well as mum). It feels so unhelpful because it's not hunger waking him up, and we can't take shifts because he won't settle with dad most of the time.

Any tips? Husband has tried what he can to keep baby off me while I rest but nothing seems to work. Prams, cars, slings etc rarely work.

I always just did most of the nights tbh as it just doesn’t work the same for dads and babies- they don’t have the right feel or smell for a newborn to settle with yet and two tired adults made for a horrible risk of us both just snapping at each other through tiredness. Once I accepted I was doing the nights I found making them more enjoyable helped a lot. Snacks, a drink and a box set that I really enjoyed so when I was awake I at least was satisfied. I admit now that I coslept and so check out the safe sleep guidance as it saved my sanity and by 6 weeks I could sleep and feed whilst on my side, but a litter baby couldn’t feed lying down so the first 6 weeks were rough.
Going to bed for a decent chunk of sleep in the early evening worked- baby fed any time after 6 was then given to daddy who could walk them to sleep and they’d often settle at that time of day- so I might sleep from 7-10pm or 8-11 then at least although I had a very broken night ahead I had a kind of head start. No couple time sorry, not for a while… although some nights we got away with both going to bed at 8 to watch a film and feed and I could doze off if baby slept on him…
it DOES pass, and by the time I got to baby four I actually enjoyed the sleepless nights as some of the only time I got alone with this little scrunched up and soft squidgy baby… but I do remember the hell of broken nights. Do you have any mum friends with older children or your mum or MIL as often a baby can and will settle better on a pair of boobs for a good few hours after a feed and they might love to come in the evening and do the 7-11 or 8-12 stint for you… I have done this as I miss baby snuggles.

Same here I left baby with dad for as long as she coped in the evening generally 8-11 or 12, then expected not too sleep but had snacks box sets to help over night. then gave her back to her dad for 530-730 before he left for work. That way we both got some sleep. Most importantly it got better fairly quickly from the newborn stage, 10 months now still rarely sleeping through but nothing like as hard as newborn !

Hi OP, I don't have experience with reflux but the best way my baby sleeps at night is if she's swaddled

@MariaVT65
You know well that I wasn't suggesting anything of the sort. Stop reaching.

The exhaustion and desperation for sleep really hit you hard at about the two week mark when you have a baby. You can run on fumes and euphoria for a while after giving birth, and then your body and your brain start craving a deep sleep, just as the baby starts hitting his stride, feeding wise, and experiencing massive neurological growth.

It hits especially hard with your first baby because there is nothing in life to prepare you for the reality of never being able to depend on getting sleep. You can hear about it and read about it but until you're in the trenches, so to speak, you have no idea how it actually feels.

Babies take a good while to settle into a pattern of sleeping and feeding, and even then, patterns only last until the next growth spurt.

I agree with the suggestion to try to get rest in the early evening when your H can take the baby for a bit, though this can sometimes be a period when the baby has a crying jag too. There's no 'normal' for babies as a whole in the first month to six weeks.

Observe, decide how you and your H can best handle the exhaustion and the needs of the baby, and proceed from there. You may have several more weeks of poor sleep ahead. Try to get 3-4 hour stretches for yourself. Make sure your H understands the baby isn't rejecting him if his efforts to soothe him are not successful.

I also agree there's no point to the two of you ending up exhausted here. Unless you switch to bottle feeding, you doing nights and days with H taking care of meals, cleaning, shopping, and laundry is the best way to deal with this period in your lives. Or split nights, but H will still need to step up and take over household tasks.

Thanks everyone. I tried cosleeping last night again but it didn't work so well, he woke and demanded feeding every time I tried to get him laid on the bed instead of my chest (no matter how stealthily I did it). I also tried feeding lying down a few times over the past few days but neither of us seem to be able to get the hang of it - he gets a very shallow latch. I think our bed may be too soft as baby's face and my boob both sort of sink down a bit.
He did sleep on husband in sling in the day though so I got an hours sleep and a shower. He also took him out in the pram which didn't go well but another half hour snatched...
I've cut out caffeine as that was easy. I'm considering milk too as that's apparently a common problem but it's a bit trickier!
I agree it's much less distressing if you get comfy and entertained (and if I'm eating I can't fall sleep!), but by 4am I just can't stay awake. I also worry that the noise and lights of the TV will not help him to learn day/night. And when he sleeps so peacefully on me for hours I can't help but think I should try putting him down and getting some sleep, I suspect I need to just keep on trying to put him down or hand him to H when he is full because every now and then it works, but it's so much more frustrating to keep going round in circles than to just plonk in front of the TV!
I do try to swaddle but I think we need better sized blankets. He doesn't hate it although it hasn't seemed to help so far and I find I wake him up by swaddling him, or if I swaddle then settle I manage to make the swaddle come loose. One to keep trying I think.
I'm going to go to a BF drop in tomorrow. I haven't so far as they've all been on in the morning when I'm trying to catch up on some sleep, but the pattern seems to have changed to include morning cluster feeding the past few days. I am getting sore nipples (but then I did 21 feeds yesterday...) so it would be great if it's something straightforward that I can fix.

I think this might be something to aim for as we've had a couple of evening stints when husband was able to settle him and I got some sleep. Once he is asleep on his dad he will stay settled it's just convincing him it's ok to be there that's the struggle!

I had completely anticipated the broken sleep and struggling to sleep in a cot, I guess what I'm finding hard is the not sleeping on others and the unpredictable nature of when he will settle. When people say babies will sleep for up to 3-4 hours, that's sounds ok to me but there's no way to know whether you're going to get 5 minutes or 3 hours. I had to chuck a visiting friend out today when the baby fell asleep in the sling on my husband as I couldn't pass up the nap opportunity! Meanwhile the number of times I've thought he's settled and climbed into bed only to get up again to feed 10 minutes later...

I am lucky he's my first, I can't imagine having a toddler or even an older child at the same time it must be so hard! Currently I can't imagine having a second especially as pregnancy was difficult too but perhaps I will change my mind once some time has passed!
I think you're right about trying for longer. The pram seems not to work so well as he's sick lying down, but I've just had 4 hours sleep which is by far the most I've had since he was born, by making sure he'd had plenty of feeds all evening then just leaving him in the sling with my husband. He cried for half an hour then slept soundly - husband woke me up as it was 5 hours between feeds, baby was still sleeping!

@Anonnewbie woohoo 🎉 4 hours it great. Do you feel better for it?

Let us know how it goes at the drop in today. 4 hours! You must feel like a new woman!!

4 hours was wonderful. Easily stayed up 2-6am with him (no crying by either me or him for once!), and then dared to try the bassinet which wasn't a total failure - 50 mins sleep in there with my arm in there too, and he wasn't sick (used infacol when feeding, tried to take breaks for winding, kept him upright and skeeping for an hour after feeding so he could digest and get properly asleep, also propped the crib up slightly).
Plenty of little sicks this morning but not as severe as they have been :)

Update because I often come across old threads and wonder what happened!

7 weeks now. I'm non dairy while we test for CMPA, this did initially seem to help a lot with vomiting although I'm not so certain now, either it's not an allergy or he still has reflux as well as CMPA.
Not sleeping on dad was resolved pretty quickly. Dad just had to perservere really - if he knew he's not hungry he just kept rocking/walking/shushing with him til he slept. He now sleeps longer on dad than me.
He still wakes up if he reaches the end of a sleep cycle and is laid on his back (so we get about 30 mins max of crib time as we have to hold him for 15 mins before putting him down).
cosleeping on our sofa bed which is very firm works well although he's usually on his side which worries me, however it never seems like he will roll on his fron which is I think the main issue with side sleeping.
ita a slow process with the doctors, so far we have been told probably a virus then probablY CMPA and to wait and see re diet change. They do entirely accept he has reflux but reluctant to prescribe anything unless really needed as apparently the meds (not gaviscon but the proper stuff) are believed to inhibit calcium uptake.
Overall it seems his issues with sleep are all linked to being in pain really so we are just doing what we can and ignoring sleep advice which is all really unhelpful to us (putting down drowsy but awake for example is really distressing to him).

Oh also, I gave up burping him and it has made no difference or possibly slight improvement. Also means I'm not stressed about whether to wake him if he falls asleep feeding (although he no longer does that so much as reflux means he gets unsettled at feeds often).
I read a study saying burping is unnecessary and actually increases vomiting with no benefits and that has been the case for us.

With reflux baby she would scream for hours and we just had no bloody clue. Only thing I could do to help was to put her in a sling and walk and walk. Thankfully she was a June baby, but unfortunately there’s not a lot to be done. Omeprazole helped, but weaning pronto was what solved it eventually (weaned at 4 months).

My baby has bad sikent reflux, he had it from about weeks old but it got bad enough he is now on omeprazole. The acid was hurting his throat and making his in pain and completely miserable. The screaming crying was one thing but the pitiful sobbing moans cut me to the core 😭 he also comfort fed as it soothes, but it also made the reflux worse as his little stomach was too full. We use a dummy (which I never planned to use, ah the naivety of pre baby life!) which soothes without overfeeding, and means my husband can hold and cuddle to sleep while soothing him. The meds are what has worked though, I was loathe to have him on them but the alternative was a very unhappy baby. He had just started babbling and smiling and then stopped completely and any small noise was so hoarse from his sore throat :( hope your little ones just stays usual newborn reflux, and using a dummy to soothe her would help husband be able to rock her to sleep.

Sorry read first post and didn't check the date, irrelevant advice from me there, glad things hv improved for your boy :)

My daughter doesn't have reflux but is super clingy to me also, I don't breastfeed, but won't go to dad, I had a next to me crib and would put my hand in for her to hold when she was tiny, now she's in a cot and hates it. She falls asleep in my bed but I always transfer her to her cot when asleep and sometimes when she's being fussy, I will lay her in the cot and she actually settled herself tonight just persevere and you will get there. Enjoy every second cos they grow too quickly 😢 good luck and congratulations xxx

Hi Op, sounds like you’re doing brilliantly. This was me two years ago. Omeorazole was a game changer for us and whilst my baby continued to be sick until she was one (it decreased over time), she was comfortable with it as the reflux wasn’t so acidic any more. I ended up seeing a paediatrician privately as was blocked from any proper support by my GP. Paediatrician was also a senior NHS consultant and had no issues with prescribing omeprazole, she said GPs tend to be overly cautious and not always the best informed regarding treatment of reflux. As I understand it, it acts as a protein pump inhibitor and whilst the stomach still produces acid, it just doesn’t make quite so much that their throats can feel it. My consultant said to me something like ‘much better to make them comfortable and protect their throats than risk damage by repeatedly throwing up acid or them having feeding aversions.’ My paediatrician didn’t mention the link to calcium uptake that you’ve been told about, so would recommend you see a paediatrician and ask them to advise? Is it just that in large quantities omeprazole could in theory be an issue, but the amounts prescribed are too low?

just a couple more points in case you weren’t fully aware. As you mention, it’s possible for cmpa to be the sole cause of reflux, or it might be one factor that exacerbates it. In our case, my DD had cmpa but even when she was prescribed an amino acid formula (neocate) she was still quite sick. The paediatrician explained that in her case, the sphincter muscle at the top of her stomach was a little ‘floppy’ and needed to develop to stop liquids whooshing back up. It was only when she was walking all the time at 12 months (ie upright) that she finally stopped vomiting. She’s not sick now when she’s messing about on the floor so I’m assuming her tummy muscles are now working as normal.

if you’ve cut out dairy it is also advisable to cut out soy as the soy proteins look very similar to the body and can be mistaken for them.

I understand you’re breastfeeding but if you ever did go down the formula route, there are two levels of prescription formula for cmpa. The first is a fully hydrolysed milk (milk proteins are partially broken down). This didn’t work very well for us, but it does for others. The next step to try is an amino acid formula, where the milk proteins are so small the body absorbs them without reacting to them.

if you do end up using omeprazole, the dose MUST increase with baby’s weight or it stops being effective. You’ll find baby then becomes uncomfortable and starts getting a feeding aversion (stressful!) baby will need regular reviews to ensure they’re on the right dosage.

giving omeprazole can be a little bit of a fine art at first but soon you’ll easily manage it. If given in tablet form, we were advised to put the tablet into the syringe and draw up the required amount of cooled boiled water (v slightly warm helps), then gently shake the syringe so the tiny beads of medicine mix with the water. Syringe gradually into back of baby’s cheek where their molars will eventually be, stroke their cheek towards jaw bone to trigger swallowing reflex. Don’t wait too long as the medicine will clump and then be too big to go through syringe. Aim to administer I think about half an hour before one feed for maximum effect. Wash the syringe immediately otherwise any residue will be impossible to get off.

Do you use wedges to prop baby up and make them more comfortable? Talk to your HV or doctor about what you can use unsupervised and at what age, but I used a range in her pram, Moses basket, under her at baby groups, under her changing mat. Try looking at wedgehogs who make them in lots of sizes.

Best of luck and congratulations on your baby

Thanks that's good to know.
I can't find anything online about calcium uptake so not sure where that's from, although it was a paediatrician who said it to me. GP prescribed gaviscon yesterday so we will start with that. Of course at the GP appointment he was happy as Larry despite having spent the morning fussing and vomiting away!
I really feel for everyone who has worse reflux/colic/allergies because objectively our problems are mid range I think but they feel terrible when you're in the middle of it!

So true about idealism pre baby...I had images of them sleeping in the garden in a moses basket while I catch up on sleep in the sunshine 😂, we also were not planning to use a dummy but are now (mainly for car journeys actually as he hates the car and will scream non stop), likewise were not planning to cosleep or in any way bend the safe sleeping rules but it really has made the difference between sleeping 20-30 mins at a time to being more like 45mins to 2 hours.