Why so Much Pressure on Babies Sleeping Through?

[EMC2022]

Every time we visit certain people we get asked if 9mo DS sleeps through.

He doesn't.

He usually wakes once and has a bottle of milk. An odd time he has slept through and sometimes he also has more wakes that don't involve any feeds. Sleep has been especially inconsistent since 8mo.

I just hate the amount of pressure people seem to put on baby sleep. It makes you feel like a failure if they aren't sleeping through. Even the Internet makes us believe that "all babies are capable of sleeping through at 6mo".

Most people I speak to dont seem to have babies who sleep through by 6mo so why do all my parents generation act like its a mortal sin?

This post is really more of a rant to see if other people have the same question all the time and feel the same pressure/failure I do when I get asked.

If he wakes once and it's not an issue for you, that's fine.

At 9mo I went back to work and had to drive an hour on the motorway each way, dd would wake every two hours or so, sleep was actually a real issue for my personal safety not to mention ability to do my job.

For previous generations may leave was shorter so if they returned to work, the problem came earlier.

Babies will sleep through naturally eventually, or you can give them a more or less gentle nudge to change sleep associations earlier so they don't wake and need milk or cuddles to go back to sleep.

You're right it's no one's business whether your baby sleeps through, people might be thinking of their own struggles with it and empathising. How you cope with broken sleep depends on many factors - how many Wales, how much support you have, whether you're at work, how your health and mental health etc are.

Once a night and reliably going back to sleep doesn't sound so bad, DC would wake many times and cry for extended periods and it was sometimes very hard.

It is definitely exhausting and I know people mean well but I am just so tired of hearing the question and being offered the unsolicited advice.

If people asked, sympathised and moved on I wouldn't mind. It's the "crying never hurt anyone" "you need to not give him a bottle so he knows no milk is coming" etc. That annoys me to no end.

I think it needs to be normalised that it's so common for babies to not sleep through for many months (if not years). I think as a FTM I found it so frustrating. All I would be asked is "does he sleep well?" from the week he was born and it started an anxiety in me that has lasted to date.

People just want baby and parents to sleep because we all know how shit the broken sleep is!

They're thinking of you. It's not a judgement that your baby-wrangling skills aren't up to scratch, it's an acknowledgement that it's hard to be woken at night and they understand your pain.

I feel your frustration and get the same
my ds wakes several times a night. But I’ve never been a good sleeper myself.

sleeping through isn’t the goal tbh. For my the goal would be to have a few good stretches. people ask how he sleeps and I say he sleeps fine for us.

Babies & sleep….not sure why it’s such a must ask question but I agree it’s so bloooody annoying.

My DD slept through for the first time at 2 years old. I don't believe in the "all babies should sleep through from 6m" crap. Babies are people. People wake up for many reasons through the night. I'd be so fucked off if I woke up at 3am, couldn't get back to sleep and the following day someone tutted at DH because I'd woken in the night and disturbed his sleep. We need to move away from this solve the problem culture we have around babies sleep. Sometimes they just want a cuddle

I think a lot of people are just making conversation. It’s a question that rightly or wrongly easily slips in as small talk when talking to someone with a baby/toddler.

I also think it was more normal to do CIO a couple generations ago, so sleeping through would have happened sooner.

But yeah, it’s normal for a baby to not sleep through so don’t listen to anyone who asks/comments in a judging way. Some naturally do sleep early on and these lucky parents will often be smug! Some are awful sleepers. One wake up is good, even if still exhausting. Enjoy those sleepy night time snuggles. I did some gentle sleep training with my DS when he was 6 months and he still didn’t sleep through the night until he was 1 year.

We all love and need sleep It’s an easy subject to talk about realistically there’d not that invested or interested in your babies sleep pattern

I take those repetitive questions as topics of conversations not some group conspiracy to judge you

I understand the question as a topic of conversation around people I don't see very often. Totally normal to check in on progress for people who you only see every month or two. I should have specified its family members (e.g. MIL or my own family) who ask several times a week that get to me.

@bungletru thank god someone else also sees why this question is frustrating.

@WaltzingWaters I agree with CIO I feel all parents of a certain generation seem to have used it.

@Eachpeachpears THANK YOU. "We need to move away from this solve the problem culture we have around babies sleep" that is exactly the point I was trying to make. I think if a baby is happy, healthy and thriving AND if parents are well physically and mentally then why do we need to act like we have to solve what seems to be very biologically appropriate.

Honestly, I don't think you can win either way.

Mine slept through from an early age and I had negative comments and assumptions made about me. I was even accused of lying.

@SouthLondonMum22 ahh that's sad to hear. I imagine it definitely brings out jealousy in other parents and maybe the feel insecure and defensive. I will say I feel soon envious when I hear of good sleeping babies but I would never accuse anyone of lying or doing anything suss. I would just think "wow, they are lucky". Then I hear of people with babies who wake up every hour and I start to think "wow, we are lucky". Its all so relative because babies just seem so individual in every way.

I get asked this question a lot of my 11mo son. He does still wake about 2-3 times a night. I've reframed it in my mind that his wakefulness is a protection against SIDS, it reassures me that it's normal, and he'll sleep through in his own time, and it also shuts people up.

I think a lot of it is just small talk. People don't really care or expect it, it's just something of interest and to fill the silence.

It's probably just small talk, but also some people seem to think that a 'good baby' is one who feeds to a schedule, doesn't cry too much, sleeps when they're told to, and doesn't inconvenience the parents too much.

It's a very strange outlook, especially when some people seem to think they get a gold star for their baby's sleep pattern.

I completely agree. I find it weird that there is so much focus on baby's sleep.

I'm from a South Asian background and there is no focus on schedule or baby sleep at all. It's not expected for them to sleep through and be on a schedule so there is no discussion about it. However, being raised in the UK I still feel the pressure of baby sleeping from friends, social media ect ect.

I've now given up on it all. The kids sleep when I do and they nap if they are tired. It works for me for now.

These threads always turn into a bunfight about sleep training.

I would say that it's worth recognizing that being able to wake multiple times a night for an extended period takes a certain set of circumstances, often privileged ones.

If you have other kids/are pregnant/have neighbours and thin walls/have to go back to work fairly early/have health issues/are a single parent - you might not be able to deal with disturbed nights until they get better of their own accord.

I always imagine the typical 'I don't mind waking loads until my child grows out of it' is a sahm with a partner who earns fairly well, comfortable home, well educated etc. A

Also to add to this it is biologically protective for a child to wake through the night. Awful for parents but that's how the human race has survived. I don't get why there is this huge obsession with trying to "correct" a childs sleep pattern when it's fine the way it naturally is. I'm sure baby's are more aware of how much sleep they need than us.

Toddlers okay, they can be wild but baby's know what they are doing.

Do they? My baby becomes a grumpy, overtired mess if he misses his nap or goes to bed after his bedtime. A parent led schedule helps him sleep at the times he needs to sleep because he’d happily try and stay awake when he’s clearly tired.

A schedule may not be right for every baby but it’s definitely right for mine.

@LolaSmiles I agree. I think I take it illogically personal for that reason too. I feel like I'm trying to justify he is still a great baby, even minus the sleep some nights 😅

@MamaOf2Cubs so interesting to hear this might be a cultural obsession. I definitely feel like the west has made a large money making business with baby sleep ideals. Regarding waking through the night, I did read that, apparently, humans sleeping in one block only came about during the industrial revolution. Maybe the babies have it right and we adults are wrong 😂

@AuntieJune I do think people have misconstrued the purpose of this post. It's not whether sleep training is right or wrong. It's really more that a parent should decide what is best for them, their baby and their circumstances. This post was mainly about outsiders interest in babies sleep. I feel like I could bring my 9mo out riding a unicycle and I will still get asked "but how does he sleep last night?" for the 5th time that week by the same person as if he had a sleep epiphany since the last time they asked 24 hours ago😂

If schedules work for you then that's good. I'm not against schedules but there is a natural sleep flexibility that children lose when they keep to a schedule.

Most of the world puts their baby's to sleep when they show cues of tiredness. To me it makes sense. Some days they are more active than others, some days they have growth spurts. Excess sleep is not necessarily a positive thing. It obviously makes sense why in the UK why people prefer schedules. There are no late night activities for family's, shorter daylight hours, income being generated from both partners ect ect

I just think that baby sleep is being monetised in the west. It can be unfair for both mothers and baby's if a strict sleep pattern is not necessary for their lifestyle.

No one is forced to do it if they don't want to or feel like it wouldn't work for them. I feel like being baby led is more popular and encouraged now too and is also monetised to a certain extent.

Honestly, most things related to parenting are monetised.

@LolaSmiles I agree. I think I take it illogically personal for that reason too. I feel like I'm trying to justify he is still a great baby, even minus the sleep some nights
I definitely felt people judge me when mine were younger too, and then came to the conclusion that I really didn't give a...
😂

Some people have the idea that a good baby slots into their life and doesn't impact it much, they want to feel like they're in control so everything is controlled, logged, scheduled, etc. They seem to view their baby as an extension of themselves so when they get all smug and say "my baby slept through from 6 weeks and (insert uninvited sleep training advice here)", what they're actually communicating is "please come to the conclusion that my baby's sleep pattern is because I'm such an amazingly organised mother. I really want you to view my baby's sleep pattern as an extension of me, so I can sit smugly tilting my head and making it just a little obvious that I think people who haven't done it my way brought it on themselves and then deny that's what I'm doing in my comments".

Others do the opposite. The baby is an extension of them so their idea of being a good mother is running themselves into the ground, getting terrible sleep and functioning like a zombie so they can sit at playgroup and say "you're so lucky to have 4 hours sleep. I don't think I've sleep for 4 minutes at a time in 2 years". What they actually mean is "please notice that I'm the best, most amazing mum ever. I want you to notice just how much I'm sacrificing in pursuit of being the most amazing mum ever".

Meanwhile most parents are doing their best to meet their baby's needs, know all babies are different and there's no magic bullet.

Yes that's true, maybe it's the social media algorithms showing me baby sleep consultants all the time.

@LolaSmiles I think this is my favourite comment ever 😂