Hi all
i have a step daughter, 14 years old.
I believe she may be on the autism spectrum but DH doesn’t agree and I worry a lot about her mental health and I guess I just need to sound it out and see if there’s anything I can do to help make things ok.
there are two other children, 11 & 13 who do not seem to be on spectrum etc and are pretty easy kids tbh.
the child on question has always been difficult, and I have been with them since she was 4.
life always seems about know how to manage her, rather than expecting her to know how to manage herself. Even the younger kids adapt around her behaviours.
she has sensory issues with noise, food and clothes. She masks these issues alot better these days. She does get extremely anxious with social gatherings etc but her behaviour in these situations comes across as being extremely rude and acting like she hates everyone, looking at them like they have done something wrong and ignoring etc. so this makes others feel very uncomfortable around her, always asking what’s wrong and if she’s ok. I didn’t like to say too much to others since DH doesn’t really like to talk about. However I did get upset recently and tell him everything I was thinking, as I think it affects her mental health. She has no friends as they all drifted apart as they got older. Her siblings think she’s weird and find it difficult to play games with her as she’s a poor loser and also a poor winner so games are not fun. Ask her to do anything and she has a meltdown and DH basically keeps saying we have to pick out battles. But basically he picks the battles where she disrespects him but when she is rude to me I’m supposed to just accept it. She can extremely nasty and say hurtful things if she doesn’t get everything she wants all the time. Family trips etc all planned with mostly just her in mind to make sure she will be ok and the others just expected to comply. Which they do.
we have a 2 year old between us also yet my step daughter takes up most the attention and work. Sometimes the other 3 get ignored a bit as we try to keep the 14 year old happy.
life is difficult for her I know but I just feel nothing is being dealt with. DH always says it’s a phase she will outgrow but I do not think it’s all age appropriate or age related, as I think her anxiety can be leading to depression and I feel so frustrated that DH and her mum will never do anything. But I know it’s different for them. Perhaps hoping that she will be fine etc
I said at 6 years old I felt she really needed a referral as I worried her life would get harder and she would struggle with the transition in high school which is exactly what happened.
she’s never happy with anything and always complaint despite the fact we bend over backwards to make everything suit her. For example holidays away and the treats we buy, what we watch for movies etc but it’s never good enough. She says nobody knows her as we can never seem to get it right what she wants. But I actually think she doesn’t really know what she wants or who she is. I refuse to believe that she is just horrible to everyone for no reason but not sure how to get her help or deal with her behaviour . And I worry about her behaviour around the 2 year old - ie telling him she will kill him while pointing a knife at him which she thinks is a joke but obviously that’s not good, or waving a lit matchstick to his face and thing him ‘play with fire’ etc … I don’t want him thinking this behaviour is ok or repeating what she says etc.
maybe I can speak to DH again but any advice on what i can say that might make a difference?
tia x