Someone tell me nursery will fix this

[stickyp]

We have a nearly 10 month and I’m still on maternity leave. DH gets in very late and works 6 days a week, sometimes 7. He can’t change this and absolutely does all he can around this and is a support.

I am feeling so drained. I can’t do this anymore. We’ve agreed I will go back to work four days a week and we can put the baby in nursery five days which leaves me a bit of time for me. I feel guilty about this but the reality is that every pick up, drop off etc will be on me due to the nature of DH’s work. I can work from home and have a lot of flexibility. I am so worried that the way I’m feeling now won’t go away. I’m not depressed, just utterly fed up of the monotony. The constant fucking needs all the time. The non stop having to think about what is happening next because I can’t stop for a moment. I hate it. I honestly don’t think I would have had her if I had known it would he like this. We definitely won’t have another. Will I feel better when she’s a nursery? I worry I will just be unable to manage both ‘lives’ at home and at work. DH is supportive for me to stay at home or go back to work but I can’t imagine doing this longer than I have. I hate life.

I think that it sounds as though you need to get some balance in your life and your suggestion sounds like a good plan.

In my experience, working was good for me as a parent. Nursery was good for DD.

Others will feel differently, but what's important is what's best for you and your family.

Give it a try. You've got nothing to lose.

I feel you. Going to nursery 5 days should definitely help but it will likely mean you have a very overtired cranky baby when they get home who might not sleep well. Unless you're lucky :) I found life got much easier after 2 years when less sleep was required and there was more communication.

I also didn't want another one until DC1 was 2 and now we have another baby. I'm finding it much easier this time because I know what's coming.

1st year of having a baby is the hardest. Going back to work will help as your brain will be concentrating on non baby things. I really struggled with my 1st couldn’t wait to get back to work and it did help and I started really enjoying being a mum. Have had a second and due back in a couple of months… I would do anything to stay off this time. So different to first, I said I wasn’t going to have another but it does get easier xxx

It will change! It will. Everything changes with time. Probably it will feel even worse when she first starts nursery and you're worrying about her not settling there, or not sleeping there and you're trying to get back into the swing of work but nursery call you at least once a week to pick her up as she has yet another bug. Then after a little while you'll be having a cup of tea and scrolling on your phone during your lunch break and you'll suddenly realise you weren't even thinking about her or for that matter about anything! Then she'll drop down to one nap a day which will become easy, long and predictable and all the constant monitoring of wake windows, sleepy cues and the rest will be over. She'll get more and more reliable in the evening and overnight and you'll then have hours every day when you can be you. This part feels interminable but it really does change.

I find work good for my mental health. It gives me some purpose and makes me feel intelligent/skilled and gives me a chance for adult conversation.

Having a day to yourself also sounds great!

So, yes. I think you'll feel much better.

I felt exactly the same when my DD was this age. Went to work part time and enjoyed my “ days off” so much more, still had everything to do as before but felt much less drained. I was a better parent too felt like I wanted to make the most of the days I had off with her. It’s definitely worth a try.

Do you think it’s possible you could have undiagnosed postnatal depression? Does everything domestic fall to you or is your DH sharing the load?

I felt exactly the same as you and my DH worked similar hours, still does. My DS is 10 now, and life is good I promise you it will get better!

My advice:

• Have 1 child, you will always have 2 adults to 1 child ratio, it's calmer, more manageable, and you won't be as stressed. (Best decision we ever made)

Definitely nursery 5 days a week, my DS went at 10months, your child will love it, mine was never stroppy or tired at the end of the week, he loved painting and activities and singing, and eating and I loved picking him up after not spending all day with him. I was fresh and ready to see him. The 1-2 days your DH is around make sure he is hands on, go out often, do the shopping, meet friends, have a spa day anything so DH knows that you need time too. Do this from the beginning before he takes up a weekend hobby which means he works and then does his hobby! (Yes my DH took up golf!)

Also when they are 5/6/7/8 it's sooo much easier, they chat, laugh, you can go for lunch with them and do things you love together. Under 2 it's difficult. But the older they get the better it is in my opinion. My DS is like my little bestie, we have so much fun together.

You say he can't help it but what's the long term plan - that he never sees for weeks on end? Is he happy with that? Do his wages mean you can buy in extra help?

Sorry not really understanding pp saying husband should work 6 days a week and then give his wife a spa day on the 7th?

I would gently suggest a GP appointment. 'I hate life' sounds a bit like pnd to me.
Can't comment on nursery sorry, although I presume it would give you more time to yourself. But this might not be enough if there is an underlying cause.

Going back to work and DD being in nursery has improved my mental health tenfold. Do it, OP! Prepare for the inevitable nursery illness period (better to get them in during the summer months if you can), but other than that, it works really well for us.

And what exactly did you think would be the benefit of this comment?!

Shame how you seem so unaware of your own cunty-ness. With this level of self-awareness highly doubtable you're the quality of parent you think you are

@stickyp do whatever gets you through. Parenting is a series of phases and some suit you better than others. Make the best of the bad and hope you find some good.

Despite you saying you're not depressed I'd get a second opinion on that . You're describing quite a few symptoms which sound like you feel overwhelmed with your life at the moment.

I'm not sure that going back to work and your baby in full time nursery is going to magically solve anything yet as that brings a new set of pressures. Maybe talk to your GP or health visitor about how you're feeling as a first step.

@strongcupofTea you are completely out of order. My kids didn’t “suffer”in nursery, they loved it. And I loved going back to work and getting a bit of the old me back. The one that got to use her brain, have an adult conversation that wasn’t about my baby and occasionally have a cup of tea that was still hot.
OP it does sound like you would be happier at work, and you being happy will definitely benefit the baby. I don’t think anyone really prepares you for how mind-numbingly boring and exhausting it is having a baby. Opposite to the PP above, I have found it easier having two at similar ages as they entertain each other. It gets easier.

Could you work 3 days and put baby in nursery for 4? 5 full days at nursery is a lot for a baby. I'm not against nursery at all, I sent mine 3 days a week.

I think it will help.
What I'd consider is if you'd be better off working three full days and two half days so that you have two opportunities a week to have a bit of headspace, do some exercise, see a friend or do whatever else is your thing. Just once a week may not be enough to break up the monotony. However, this depends on your job. If it's a type which will naturally expand to fill all available time, ignore me as it should be easier to take one day off than two half days

With respect OP, I think it's likely that you are ein fact depressed and would really benefit from a trip to the GP to get some support.

Your DD will be fine going to nursery but it won't be a way to fix deeper issues. Babies are off a hell of a lot in the first 6 months to a year of nursery aka lots of needing to take days off to cover this and you'll still have her alone 1-2 days a week- although a day a week to yourself will maybe do some good, it won't magically make you find the days with her easier as she will still be the same baby IYSWIM