Walking on eggshells with my husband

[samybooker]

Been together 5 years, we have a beautiful 10 month old little girl. He has been medically discharged from the army.
Before I start I have been very supportive, I love him, never done anything wrong by him, and I have begged for him to get help and he won't. And none of this affects our daughter, she is perfectly spoilt with love and has everything she needs.
But as bad as this sounds he ruins every single day. I have to be so careful with what I say and that it won't trigger him or upset him because then he won't speak or be grumpy for the rest of the day. He has had bad '' grumps '' as we call them since I met him but since leaving the army they have become so much worse and happen 4/5 days a week! He has become angry with them, throwing things around the house and damaging our house and hurting himself. He even lifted the sofa with me on it and dragged it. He is forever saying sorry and asking if I still love him. He is always accusing me of not caring for him when I have never shown him anything but care. He doesn't go out or do anything, doesn't socialise or have any friends. He hasn't found a job yet which isn't helping. But yesterday all I said was '' it would be nice if we could do more together like more date nights as we have only had one in the last year '' and that was it he flipped, he was saying he was awful and a shit husband and that he is a disease and he didn't speak for the rest of the day and I have to quite literally always tread on eggshells around him. I haven't gone downstairs yet but he is down there and I just know how it is going to be. I will go down and say morning and he will be grumpy and I will have to be careful what I say and hope nothing triggers him. It's so easy for him to get mad. It's so negative to be around at the moment, I feel so low myself. I feel unhappy. I hate to say it but I do. Iknow he is suffering and I want him to get help! But iknow he won't.

His behaviour is not acceptable. He needs to grasp that and so do you, and it is not appropriate for a child to be living in such a volatile environment if the frequency is as high as you are saying. You are naive saying it has no impact on her. Could he live elsewhere temporarily?

All that said, he clearly has some difficulties with his mental health and this can be particularly complex in relation to service men (and women). Medical discharge was presumably not what he wanted? Either way he is obviously not coping with the transition of leaving the army. He needs to seek help and I suggest you explain this is a non-negotiable requirement for you to continue in your relationship together. He can then choose what he wants to do. In all likelihood, he will get help if you force the issue but you are going to have to stay strong and stick to your guns on it. Saying all of this having been through similar myself although very different issues. Huge sympathies.

You need to leave for the sake of your daughter. Sorry. I hope he eventually gets the help he needs. I bet he isn’t flinging it things around in the street or breaking his friends things. It is directed at you and it will get worse

Oh I'm sorry, OP, for you and your husband because it seems like he is having a mental health crisis.

Please pay attention to the posts here: as much as you care for him, his behaviour at the moment is very dangerous, directed towards you and the home environment, and is likely to escalate to physical violence.

Find out as much as you can about what support is available from the army if you haven't already. Is there a former colleague of his, someone military who might understand and who he might respect, that you can reach out to to explain the situation? Someone who might be able to help him directly? Clearly he doesn't want to hear the urgency of the situation from you, so that might be a route to take to get him support.

BUT, and this is so important, you must prioritise your safety and that of your child first. Support him as best you can, but you have to remove either yourself (and your baby), or him from your home. I know that sounds dramatic, but from what you've written he sounds very much on a knife-edge, and as the volatility has been going on a while and is now escalating in frequency, I would not be taking the risk. If he finally crosses the line and hurts you, it's all over for your family life, so act now to prevent it while you still can. Is there somewhere you and baby can stay for a bit? I would go asap, and then call him to explain clearly that you won't be coming back unless he agrees to get help AND you see evidence that he's doing it and it's working. Tell him it's because you love him that you're doing this. It might be the wake-up call he needs. You can keep supporting him, just from a safe distance. Either that, or I would line up somewhere safe for him to go, and change the locks on him. Are his parents about? Would it be a good idea to involve them? It seems like you've done all you can on your own, OP, so now is the time to change your approach.

You have a child to think about, and this kind of volatility in the house is a major NO-NO. Even if you're convinced he would never hurt your daughter, Social Services won't be.

Best of luck, OP.

You're kidding yourself that your dd isn't affected by this. She's living in an abusive household and she will learn to tread on eggshells too.

I agree with a PP that your DH is in the middle of some kind of MH crisis and of course, having been in the army, my immediate thought is PTSD but obviously I have no idea.

However, a mental health crisis is NOT justification for abuse. And what is happening is dangerous. He may well be a lovely, kind, loving man who adores you and your DD, but his behaviour is completely unacceptable and is likely to continue to escalate.

Dh struggled with anger. Before we got married, I told him he needed to sort it or the wedding was off. He did the work, went to therapy etc and things were fine. A few years later, I had noticed things escalating but wasn't quite sure until one day, toddler DS was in the front room and DH and I were in the kitchen. He lost his temper and threw a chopping board at the kitchen door where it smashed against the top of the doorframe and then dropped to the floor. I pointed out to him that while he had no intention of hurting DS, if Ds had happened to wander into the room at that moment, he could have been seriously hurt. DH called his therapist and went back to therapy the next day and we have never had an incident like that, or anywhere close to it, again.

I tell this story because a) it absolutely is something he can fix, but he HAS to want to and be willing to take the time and do the work to do so and b) it doesn't matter if he has no intention of hurting you or your DD, he could still do so.

Does the army not offer any kind of post-discharge support in these situations? For him and for you? Is it possible to contact them and explore options?

He clearly needs some professional help and perhaps the army could offer it?
He should also visit The GP
However OP you need to prioritise the safety of your child and yourself as he sounds dangerous. If he hurt you even by accident it would be awful and he would probably never forgive himself either.
Tell him he seeks help or he leaves (or you do if you have family to support)

He is abusive OP. I'm so sorry. You should contact Women's Aid

I'm so sorry you're are going through this but like others have said this will be having a negative impact on your daughter. This is emotional abuse and babies can pick up on the tension and is no doubt hearing the arguments. Is this that environment you want her growing up in and thinking is normal? He needs to leave, even temporarily and get himself sorted by engaging in Therapy and possible medication. I have no doubt this will escalate to physical abuse in time and I hope you both take action before that happens