How do you deal with incidents that happened in school

[mariiiajane]

This is quite boring, so I will try and keep it short.

A parent from the kids school (and for context, someone I thought of as more than just an acquaintance but not a exactly close friend) has been quite unpleasant over fb messenger tonight.

I've subsequently blocked and removed from all social media/phone contact seemingly because she didn't like my response.

All of our children were taking part in a multi sports session after school. A mixed primary school age casual club, of all ages and abilities.

It isn't competitive, it is just about building confidence and learning skills, with a short game at the end to practice the skills learned during the session.

From what I can gather from my kids, her older daughter was being dismissive of my younger daughter and stopping her from having a go of the ball - despite pleas from the rest of her team to give the younger ones a chance to have the ball.

I was told every time my youngest tried, her oldest would swoop in at the last minute and take the ball away. (They were on the same team during the game).

My older daughter (on the opposite team from them) decided to teach her younger daughter a bit of a lesson after this happened a few times, and made numerous tackles on her. Not hurting her in any way, only legitimate tackles as part of the game.

My oldest admitted she made a comments about doing this deliberately, and told her she should think about being kinder to more vulnerable participants.

She is protective and sensitive about her younger sister and I suppose she wanted to play on their vulnerability as a younger player, as she had done to her little sister.

Anyway, my kids didn't mention this on the walk home. And I would usually get a running commentary about anything significant.

I didn't know about any of it until I got a fb message from this parent telling me a similar story but with her youngest being talked about as a victim and my oldest being "nasty and unkind", and "tackling and laughing" at her youngest.

She said her youngest told the sports coach during the session, but she wanted an apology for her youngest and for me to deal with this so as to teach my oldest right from wrong.

I kept it brief. I said I'd spoken to my kids and their version was different. I said as I wasn't there and it was mentioned to the sports coach during the session, I'm not sure what else she wants me to do. I wasn't concerned about it and didn't feel there was anything more to be done. I wasn't rude or dismissive, but clear that I didn't feel any more action was necessary.

She was unhappy that an apology wasn't forthcoming and was quite critical of the fact I wasn't going to "teach her right from wrong".

I didn't reply any further at that point as I was making tea, dealing with general chaos around the house. And to be honest I was a bit unsure what to do or say and was taking some time to think.

By the time I went back to my phone after cooking I had a few more messages telling me my response was very disappointing and not to bother contacting her again. And then found I was blocked on all platforms. (I only looked as the chat screen had changed significantly indicating something along these lines).

My youngest daughter has learning difficulties and a disability, she is quite fragile and low in confidence at the moment. Coping at mainstream but needing support which the school provide perfectly.

The sports coach is fully supportive of my youngest daughter attending and is always complimentary of her efforts and growing confidence.

I am actually proud of my oldest daughter for sticking up for her sister and showing solidarity. I'm reluctant to do anything else when as far as I can see this is just standard kid stuff.

They were both probably less than perfect, but it happened at a time when neither parent was there and the responsible adult did what they felt was necessary (which I'm assuming was to encourage them to continue playing, as it wasn't mentioned at pick-up).

I don't always side with my kids. I am the first to tell them if they need to apologise or correct their behaviour.

But I am completely baffled!

Basically what I am asking is, if something minor like this happens at school/a club, and the staff don't mention it, then there isn't any need for parent wading in is there?!

While I understand your older daughter was being protective about her younger sister, taking her feelings out on the younger sister of the other girl was not the right way to handle it. You don't mention the other young girl being involved, so it is out of order for your daughter to get rough with her.

I would speak to your oldest about ways she can support her little sister, either by verbally calling out the other girl and asking her to share and be a team player or by speaking to the coaches. I would also encourage your youngest to speak up and tell both girls you are proud of their efforts but that there are better ways of handling things.

As for the other mum, I wouldn't give it another thought. She is feeling protective of her youngest just like you are but she will feel silly if she keeps getting involved in every school yard squabble.

the coach should be dealing with this, not you or the other mum who seems overly invested and reactive. However I’d remind your eldest to speak to the coach rather than take the law into her own hands. It’s lovely she’s keeping an eye out for your youngest but needs to sort issues the proper way.

It was the parents youngest daughter that was being difficult with my youngest. There is an age difference between those two but they are the younger sisters of the older ones.

My daughter didn't get rough in any way.

She tackled her the kid more than she probably would have done ordinarily but called her out by telling her to think about being more considerate of vulnerable participants. But she wasn't physically rough or nasty.

I have reminded her to be careful of how she is reacting to these things and to talk to staff too.

I would ignore the parent. Kids only tell their side of the story so the truth will be somewhere in the middle.

Let the school sort it, but it doesn’t sound like it was actually a problem. I would tell your daughter how proud you are of her for sticking up for her sister. Assuming she really didn’t do anything to rough she didn’t do anything wrong. Tell your daughter that if the mother approaches her to walk away quickly and stand with a teacher or another adult as the parent doesn’t sound stable.

Just realised I made an error, apologies!

From what I can gather from my kids, her older daughter was being dismissive of my younger daughter and stopping her from having a go of the ball - despite pleas from the rest of her team to give the younger ones a chance to have the ball.
*
This should have said YOUNGER daughter*

Oh that makes more sense. Honestly op the other mother is being really over the top in contacting you regardless. Some people have to learn the hard way not to get involved in every little drama that their children have.

Encourage your kids to let the coach know if there are any issues and move on. I do agree it is nice seeing siblings stick up for each other though.

I would ignore the parent. Kids only tell their side of the story so the truth will be somewhere in the middle.

Let the school sort it, but it doesn’t sound like it was actually a problem. I would tell your daughter how proud you are of her for sticking up for her sister. Assuming she really didn’t do anything to rough she didn’t do anything wrong. Tell your daughter that if the mother approaches her to walk away quickly and stand with a teacher or another adult as the parent doesn’t sound stable.

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Exactly, I have no doubts there will have been right and wrong on both sides.

Ultimately I'm proud of my daughter for sticking up for her sister and doing it in a way that fitted in with the game and taught the other child a lesson about preying on vulnerabilities.

I have no doubts that wouldn't do anything physically rough. She is a gentle kid who is sensitive particularly towards those who have additional needs because of what she has seen over the years with her sister.

I'm just shocked that I've been reprimanded in this way over something neither of us witnessed!?

Being up at this time isn't good for proof reading

Thanks for taking the time to reply it's good to get other parents view when you feel like you might be missing something!

In our final newsletter last week there was a big reminder to parents to leave issues between children in school and not to get involved with the other parents.

You've rightly śaid that you weren't there so don't know exactly but have spoken to your daughter. I wouldn't give it another thought. You've done enough, let school deal with it if there is anything to deal with.

I was told every time my youngest tried, her oldest would swoop in at the last minute and take the ball away. (They were on the same team during the game).

And again this should be her youngest would swoop in

Being up at this time is clearly no good for proof reading effectively.

It must be exhausting for staff to have to deal with parent squabbles aswell as the kids!

Unless school contacts me about something, I assume anything they needs dealing with in the moment has been dealt with and it doesn't need bringing home aswell.

A friend had a mother message her about something even more trivial than your situation. She was polite at first then basically told her to go away.

😂

I would have mentioned her own daughter's disablism in your reply and that actions reap consequences. Why didn't you?

Because I don't see it as disablim, its's kids doing things that kids do. Perhaps a bit of showing off and using a smaller child to look big and tough.

It seems being brought down a peg or two by a child who is switched on to these things was plenty.

I would respond pretty similarly to how you have, it sounds like it was dealt with in the moment, and I too would be proud of your older daughter, she clearly already has a good sense of right and wrong. The only thing I might do is have a very casual chat with the coach, just to check in that both your daughters are having a good time at the club, and everything is going OK. If the coach doesn't raise any issues with you, that would be the end of it as far as I'm concerned.

It's highly likely the other mum had had half a story, and that half has been spun to put her daughter in the best possible light because the girl is annoyed that she got a taste of her own medicine.

So how is her Mum to know that your oldest daughter isn't just a competitive bully using a smaller child to look big and tough?!!
Her texts are down to her ignorance of the situation as her youngest isn't going to tell her the full story.

She doesn't know the bigger pictures that's the point.

My main issue is that she came at me via social media in quite an aggressive manner and didn't ask at school what actually happened.

If my kids had told me a story like this and I felt that I needed to understand more, I would ask the teacher that took the class. I wouldn't contact a parent with potentially half a story and be rude and aggressive towards them demanding that I teach my kids right from wrong 🤷🏼‍♀️