Issues with sisters parenting

[Bfiddy]

Might be a bit of a long winded one so apologies in advanced.

My sister (23) has a son (3) and she has never really looked after him, always dumped him on my mum so she can go out drinking or have time to herself. My mum suffers from long covid but she also finds it hard to say no, even if she doesn't want to watch him, he has no routine and will be up all night until 4am before he goes to sleep. However recently my mum has been telling her no but my mums partner has been telling my sister yes they will have her child, with out actually discussing with my mum first, My sister has recently said she is trying for another baby because she wants a girl, we all know we don't get to choose so you can imagine what will happen if she does get pregnant and it is another boy. More things have happened that have lead to me contacting social services about her but seems they are easily lead with my sisters lies and the other people protecting her. I'm worried for my mum as its making her ill, and I have spoke to her about this and my concerns but there's only so much I can do, it infuriates me she is trying for another child when her and her partner treat their current child like dirt and throw him on anyone that comes their way whether they have known them for years or a week. Is there anything more I can do? I'm so worried for my nephew being bought up like this and it stresses me out, i want my daughter and nephew to have a relationship but I can't when they teach him things that are so very inappropriate for example, putting a bag on his head and running around saying 'Allah akbah' they think its funny. I can only hope and pray his nursery, when he starts, will pick up on all these things.

Any advice would be much appreciated, I can't even spend a day with my mum without my sister ringing and asking for her to have my nephew and when my mum says no she lashes out and says my mum never cares and is never there for her and it just ruins our day.

You can't do anything. Just try and support your mum.

I can imagine that's frustrating and painful to watch, OP. I assume you've spoken to your sister to ask how she's coping with him? She might be a bit overwhelmed and that's why she's dumping him all the time. But it sounds to me like she sort of hasn't realised or accepted the responsibility of motherhood yet. I have no idea how to help with that, but it seems like she needs a wake-up call of some sort. How is she with her son when she does take care of him? I can tell you're angry with her, but can you talk to her without judgment, or is it too far past that point?

Practically, if there's no talking to her whatsoever, can you offer to look after him instead of your mum? It would take some of the pressure off her, and it sounds as though he could benefit from a positive influence.

In some ways the negative aspects of his behaviour might offer a useful teaching opportunity for your daughter if she's old enough to process your explanations that what he's doing is not okay. If she's old enough she could also model 'appropriate' behaviour to him. Unless you suspect it would be wildly disruptive and detrimental to your child, I'd be spending as much time as I could with my nephew if I was that worried about his upbringing. You're right that nursery will offer structure and boundaries that seem to be missing, and as he's three I'm guessing that's just around the corner.

@Bfiddy , @deliwoman1 is right. It would be so commendable of you to take on your nephew, for your mother's and his sake.
Could you think of it not as enabling your sister but rather truly helping the poor abandoned child ? Wouldn't you prefer to educate the child rather than he be sent to a foster home or social services?
It is probably not as bad as that, but every bit could help him immensely.

At any rate, you're a very good person, sister and aunt to be concerned for him.