15 year old curfew

[Spinkles123]

What do you think is a reasonable curfew for a 15 year old during school holidays? What do you do when they break their curfew?
DS is 15 and usually has a curfew of 10pm during school holidays, unless he is going to do somethings like a party/cinema when we would allow it to be later. Most of the time he is just wandering round our town with his mates. Over the past year he has been in trouble on several occasions for taking drugs, so we have serious concerns about what he is getting up to when he is out with these so-called friends. He usually leaves the house around lunchtime and doesn't return until late in the evening. We have said we aren't happy for him to do this as he isn't eating while out so was expecting to heat his tea up every night when he returns at 10pm. We've said that at least needs to come home for tea in between if he is going out for long periods. He did do this last night as requested but then wanted to stay out later to make up for the time he had 'lost' by coming home to eat.
The main issue we are having is that nearly every day he calls us ten minutes before he is due in and asks to stay out later than planned. When we say no, he gets aggressive and he has now started to refuse to come back when asked and is basically doing what he wants. He knows that by leaving it so late to call that he has no chance of getting home on time anyway as he has left it so late to call. This seems to happen no matter what time the curfew is set, even when it has been later, he has still showed up late. He has been at least 45 mins late every day this past week. If I tell him he is grounded or has an earlier curfew for being late the day before he just ignores me and does what he wants anyway. It feels like I'm loosing all control of him and he has free reign to do whatever he likes. I know he is a teenager and to a certain extent this is what they do, but given the history of him taking drugs, I am really worried about what he is getting up to.
In terms of consequences, as he is getting older I am at a bit of a loss what will work anymore. If I take his phone away he will get aggressive and it would turn into a huge argument, it would also mean that I have no way of contacting him when he does go out. Interested to know how others would deal with this?

I have no idea what I would do. Apart from stop giving him any money. Mines curfew is also 10, it’s late enough

@Annaishere we already don't really give him money due to the previous issues with drugs. We stopped giving him cash and only loaded onto a card so that it couldn't be spent on anything we wouldn't want, but then found out that he has buying stuff on his card for other people so that they would pay for his share of the drugs. He has very little access to money already.

Does he have scope to join a boxing club op? It is very good sport for boys with too much time on their hands....
2 of my adult ds's have fought for charity events. It does absolutely not make your ds aggressive and a street fighter. Quite the opposite ime.
It takes dedication and fitness to box. No time for trawling the streets with dubious mates. Those who box are into food and fitness not drugs and down and outs. My ds 22 was on a dodgy path at one time. Very dodgy. Now excelling in the army and boxing too.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it must be so worrying

Yes, there is a really good one locally and we have suggested it time and again but he has no interest. He used to do a lot of sport but has stopped attending it all. He does nothing now except sleep till lunchtime, meet with mates and repeat. If it doesn't involve going out with his friends he doesnt want to know.

Thank you.

Mine weren't allowed to wander around end of, they were allowed friends over whenever they wanted though, I'd feed whoever was there (mug that I am) I'd regularly have 6-8 young people sat down for dinner . We had a big house, living room areas etc and I knew they were safe. They did go out, just not to hang out on the streets, kids on streets get into mischief

Yes, my feelings are the same. Would much rather he was home with friends than out wandering the streets. What I'm finding hard is that while it is easy to think these things about what we would like them to be doing, the reality is that if they don't want to then I don't know what to do? I feel like every day is a battle with him.

I know it's not helpful but I'm pretty much in the same camp as @gogomoto - go out with a purpose (cinema, bowling, friends house, scouts, club or stay home with family - and have an open house for friends to come to ours). Aimlessly roaming the streets is not an option.

It very much depends on the area for me where I used to live it would be when it got dark. Where I live now it's very very safe so would be much more flexible

And what would you do if they simply refused this and went out anyway? I completely agree with you and hate the thought of him wandering the streets (although I do remember doing exactly that myself as a teenager but was never home later than my curfew). He has essentially realised that there isn't a lot I can do to stop him doing whatever he wants. I feel stupid saying it but DH and I are both at a complete loss on what we can really do about it.

On the whole the area we live is pretty safe. Its a small town but there isnt much for the teens to do. Drinking and drugs are the main concern I would say, but this is only because we know this has been an issue previously, if we weren't aware of that I would assume that he was perfectly safe going out and about. It isnt like there are areas in the town that I would be concerned about him going to.

What drugs was he using if you don’t mind me asking ?

This was one of my biggest fears while raising my sons. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

@Spinkles123 oh it's so difficult! I wish I had the answers, they can be so bloody stubborn!

Would a club be of interest to him? Something like Royal Marine Cadets perhaps? They do really cool things and activities and courses ...

We know 100% that he has been smoking weed. We also know that there has been Ketamine going round within the friendship group, unsure if DS has been taking this but wouldnt be surprised. He was also caught with a variety of prescription medicines which he had stolen. I've also seen phone messages of him trying to get hold of pills. He was referred to the council's substance advice team about a year ago but it doesnt seem to have done much good as far as I can tell.

We have suggested endless things for him to get involved with but he doesnt want to know. I know it would be really good for him but he isnt interested unless it involves hanging out with his friends.

No answers op but have exactly similar issues with my dd 15. She does exactly the same. Asks a few minutes before curfew. I have her location and can see she won't be in in time. Rocks up 5 minutes late too.

Agree grounding doesn't work at this age its bloody hard. Solidarity.

Thanks 😔its so bloody hard isn't it. I know he needs to grown up and become independent but I just want to know he is safe and heading down a really dark path.

Nope, it completely useless, and he knows it too. I'm sick and tired of being so stressed out by it all and worrying myself stupid every bloody day. I dont feel like I can relent and just let him do whatever the hell he wants but it all feels so pointless if he is just going to ignore me/DH anyway.

That’s very concerning. It may not be an avenue you want to have to go down but have you talked to him about harm reduction ? I’ve told my son that he shouldn’t ever use drugs but that if he does, never ever to ie use ecstasy pills. That if he uses mdma it should be a clean white powder, that he should only buy it from a source he trusts and to only take a small thin line of it. And that there are testing kits he should use. That the tablets often contain rat poison and are produced by reckless immoral people. Never to buy loose “prescription” pills not in blister packs and the amount it takes to kill someone, and the lethal interaction between benzos and opiates/ alcohol

Wandering streets nearly always leads to trouble. I agree that he needs more structured activities.

Hugely concerning! 😔The Substance Advice team that he meets with do a lot of this with him. I've not ever been a drug taker myself so have very little knowledge and wouldn't be best placed to advise him...I'm very risk adverse when it comes to things like this so really struggle to understand why he would even want to do it. He has had some counselling and was referred to CAHMS but he wont interact with them so all a bit pointless really if he wont engage. His opinion is that this is just what teenagers do, we are making a fuss about nothing and he should be left to get on with it and do what he wants.

Completely agree but how would you get him to engage/take part if he is refusing?

He has had some counselling and was referred to CAHMS but he wont interact with them so all a bit pointless really if he wont engag

Again this is my dd. She had cahms for a year. Now refuses.
Feel like every day my heart has something to stress about.