Helping our 8 year old - really struggling

[FlowersFlowersEverywhere]

Our 8 year old DS is really struggling and in turn it is making family life quite hard. I’m not sure where to go to ask for help in terms of professionals so thought I would start here and see what thoughts people have.

We love him to bits, and are petrified we’re somehow completely screwing up parenting. He’s an only child.

The main issues are:

• Behaviour: he gets stressed and angry very easily, explodes if he can’t do something straight away, but then finds it hard to stop and ask for help or accept help when offered (for example, spelling a word, or even getting the tv to work)
• School: he is getting better at school but is very easily influenced by others messing about in class and ends up on ‘red’ a lot for behaviour. He sometimes says he is bullied and picked on, but teacher feedback doesn’t usually bear this out (he is in a very small school so easy for them to see what is going on and his examples are things I would expect from usual kids teasing etc)
• School: he is behind in all subjects at school although pulling up in reading after we’ve been working quite hard with him over the last year. The school have not been great and we’ve had numerous meetings with them to build a support plan for him. They recognise he has some emotional challenges
• Behaviour: if anything happens he’ll often say ‘not my fault’ even when it clearly is - I don’t want him growing up with some sort of victim mentality where he blames everyone else for his actions. I try to explain this calmly each time
• He only wants to do ‘what he wants to do’ - he can’t see the value in things he doesn’t like

he has suffered a lot of loss in his young life - losing three grandparents and three of our dogs since he was 4, which I think could contribute to the underlying stress-type responses.

My heart is breaking for him. I spend lots of time giving cuddles, try to spend time on activities directed by him so he feels in control. Having said that, we’re not walkovers as parents - fairly strict actually, and always get compliments from others on how polite and kind he is outside the home/school environment.

I don’t know whether to start with a. Child grief counsellor, or behaviourist or what. But we need something.

sorry it’s long. Open to ideas.

Very similar in so many ways to my lovely 11yo ds... we have had big improvements with age and time, as well as with plenty of positive connection. Similar issues in school tho I can I see why it happens as some teachers don't get him and go with the stick rather than the carrot, which whether deserved or not, just does not work/motivate/help as he just ends up resentful. The Explosive Child is good and I read some chapters from a Gabor Maté book which really resonated.. Will copy a link for you, chapters are online.

Have you ever considered neurodivergence for your DS? Not that it’s the answer to his issues, but if it’s something you’ve thought about generally strategies for dealing with behaviour are different.

It’s very difficult, you have my sympathies.

https://drgabormate.com/book/scattered-minds/scattered-minds-u-s-scattered-chapter-nineteen/
https://drgabormate.com/book/scattered-minds/scattered-minds-u-s-scattered-chapter-twenty/

I'm not suggesting it's ADD/ADHD but certainly these chapters were all very familiar to me. See what you think. Children like these need us to parent the way that helps them, rather than along any other preconceived notion. We have to be creative!

Hi, we have a child like this and it's difficult. It sounds like you're doing the right thing. If he'll actually let you coach him on reading that's good. We wouldn't be able to get away with that! I'm not sure it's necessarily anything to do with your losses (sorry about those though).

Seconding The Explosive Child (there's a website too).

We found NVR approaches useful. We did some one to one training. Yvonne Newbold is often recommended (Facebook) although I don't have personal experience of her.

It's worth keeping an open mind about neurodivergence as secondary approaches - not because a diagnosis makes much difference in practical terms, but because it's easier (not easy) to get the school to take issues seriously when you have one. At least, that was our experience.

I would want to get him assessed for ASD/ADHD first, just to get that out of the way, so you know what you are or aren’t dealing with.
What have school said regarding this ?

A lot of this sounds pretty normal to me OP. He could be ND but he may just be "sensitive". For example, it's really common for children of this age to blame others when things go wrong and it doesn't mean he'll end up with a victim mentality as an adult. The Explosive Child book mentioned above is good.

Thank you for all the replies so far. Buying The Explosive Child now on my Kindle.
we haven’t had him assessed for ASD/ADHD mainly because when he’s in an environment where he feels calm, he is calm, able to focus etc. his behaviour isn’t consistent across all environments. And if it’s something he’s interested in, he can focus even in a busy environment- took him to a pottery shop yesterday to do some painting. Busy environment, lots visually, but he was super clear on using the colour chart to choose the right colours, did an amazing job painting the animal he chose. He got upset about one instruction, because no one explained it to him properly - he was told he had to paint the whole thing three times, and he couldn’t see the point. My husband had gone in with him, who knows nothing about pottery and I was running late. As soon as I got there and explained the colours go on three times to make sure they withstand the heat of the kiln, he was fine.

What have school said about possible ASD/ADHD ? If nothing, I’d be asking them.

ASD is a difference in the quality of focus - not an inability to focus. ASD brains are wired for ‘monotropic focus’ (one thing at a time in depth) - whereas ND brains are more ‘polytropic’.

So - if he was ASD - focussing on his pottery in a busy environment would be fine if he was ‘allowed’ to absolutely ignore everything else. School, however, is maddening - because you have to be on all channels at once: learning, peers, teachers, being aware where you are in space, not losing your stuff.

To make it worse - everyone else isn’t finding what you find hard at all challenging - so you feel bad about yourself and push yourself harder & harder (with periodic ‘meltdowns’ as a result)

That last paragraph resonates very much with me @AuntiZoaeshal My son's teacher said he gives 200% and later in the day the wheels come off, whereas she'd be delighted with 80%....

And equally op, he is also calm, capable, focused and organised in the majority of daily life. Recently, and having read that Gabor Matt chapter (did you take a look?) I have considered getting him assessed, for the reasons a pp mentioned. In our case there were no school issues in class before covid..

My son is similar except he does very well academically, behaviourally all the same. With him it’s part highly sensitive personality, part past trauma from a medical condition when he was younger. We have him in play therapy now which is helping us learn how to help him and exploring his feelings etc.

Sounds similar to my DC who is being assessed for ASD/ ADHD. Pathological demand avoidance has also been suggested to us which I hadn't heard of before. I would definitely recommend that you have an initial consultation for an assessment.
My Dc also sees a therapist which has been helpful. I'm confused by why you've mentioned a grief counsellor?

@Toffeebythesea i mentioned a grief counsellor because, as per my op, he has lost three grandparents and three of our dogs in the last four years which is a huge amount of loss for a very young child. The most recent was only a few weeks ago

I see. I missed that bit. I'd just go to a regular child psychologist. They'll be able to help with the grief side of things and also give any recommendations as to whether they think an ASD assessment would be useful