Help me to stop being an angry mum

[Moonshine160]

I am too shouty with my 4 year old. I get fed up of making the same, polite requests over and over again and not being listened to. I end up screeching at him, usually before I’ve even realised I’m doing it, and he listens. But then cries. And I feel awful. I haven’t even got a fuse anymore, I go from calm straight to shouting and feel like I’m losing control over it. Today when he cried he told me that he doesn’t like mummy shouting and I hurt him because I pulled his t shirt over his head too hard when I was angry (because he wouldn’t stop running about to get dressed). I need to change.

His behaviour can be challenging but he is 4 years old. He isn’t the problem, I am, and I need to learn to handle things better but I don’t know how to be calmer. I have a 10 month old too and if both of them are whining I end up overwhelmed and taking it out on the 4 year old. I forget in the moment that he’s still so young and can’t manage his emotions yet and I’m expecting too much of him.

I think sleep deprivation really isn’t helping me handle things better. 10 month old is a terrible sleeper, can’t sleep train because he has health complications and requires heart surgery in a few months so I’m stuck constantly feeding to sleep. I am just so overwhelmed and touched out by the both of them but I want to stop taking my feelings out on my poor 4 year old. I hate the mum I am at the moment. Does anyone have any coping techniques please?

Do you think you might have postnatal depression from your youngest?

My 4yo can be a pain to get dressed too.

See it from their perspective, they don't really understand time frames for getting out of the house, doing the same things like dressing and teeth is boring. So they do something else.

You can try making it a game (pretend to be pirates eg, or that the floor is lava, or set a timer he has to get dressed by) or have consequence for messing about - mine watch a bit of TV before leaving house and don't get it if they mess around.

If you feel your temper fraying, actively notice and don't ignore it - deep breaths, look out the window, think of a beach, step out of the room briefly etc. Anything to get yourself a bit calmer. Remember that getting angry then results in you having to sort out the upset about you being angry, then still having to complete the original task so it just wastes more time!

Do you get time away from the DC? I find it much easier to deal with them when it's not 24/7. Even if it's 5 mins.

The how to talk so kids listen book is quite good.

A 4 year old and a baby is testing of anyone’s patience so I feel your pain. I got to being shouty mum at one point and found how to talk so kids will listen helpful. If nothing else, it gives you pause and an alternative way of phrasing things. And v easy to read in chunks and with recaps, as I’m sure you’re thinking how on earth do I have time to read a book? I’m also honest with my kids, I’ll say that I’ve asked them 3 times, one of their siblings is also being difficult and I’m struggling to stay patient/keep my temper. I don’t make it their problem but they are well aware mummy has a limit and it’s worth being advised when they are near it! But I have three kids now and am dulled to the need for constant repetition before anything gets a response. It is so frustrating. But you’re also in a v tough phase so don’t be too hard on yourself.

@greenteaandmarshmallows no I don’t think so. I think I’m just exhausted and a bit fed up

@AuntieJune @Himawarigirl thank you both. I do actually have that book, I ordered it a few months ago when the anger started but I still havent read it. I will make a point to start it this week. I don’t get a lot of time to myself but I am back at work in less than two weeks and I think this will really help me and the time with the children will hopefully feel more precious as opposed to relentless

With my five year old who hates doing things like dressing and teeth I just refuse to play, or engage with him until he's done as I've asked if he's refusing. he soon gets bored. I hate shouting and loud noises in general so I don't shout, I keep my voice very calm and actually get quieter if he's loud and it seems to make him match my level and he rarely shouts.

Just sending solidarity. I have a 4 year old and 15 month DTs and often struggle to manage my emotions too. Getting away for a bit doesn't really help me. I don't want to escape my children, I want a life at home that doesn't need escaping. I think it's when my basic needs are forgone that I really struggle. Everyone else is sorted but I haven't eaten/washed/slept (DTs still wake to feed a lot).

Also have that book on my shelf but not found time to read it yet 🤣

• Recognise your main triggers. Noise? Tiredness? Pain? Being startled? Disobedience? Once you identify what's angering your the most you can focus on how to alleviate them as best you can
• Prioritise fixing this. Shouting WILL have an effect on your child if it's not addressed in the next couple of years, so make it your obsession to stop doing it

Fair enough. It is tricky, very tricky. I don't know how some people don't become shouty mums :( please know you're not alone

I'm not a shouty mum. It's just not part of who I am as a person. I'm like the pp, when things get frustrating I just don't engage. Sometimes I'll go off and sit in another room in peace and ignore the dc for a while. When I get back they've missed me and usually comply. Other times if I can't get them to do what I want I just don't bother with it (for something like a bath, which for me isn't essential daily). If dc don't get dressed then I tell them we're not going out and then stop getting ready to go out. They usually comply then because most of the time it's a fun trip for them.