Panicking about pregnancy with new partner post divorce

[pregnantpanic]

Hi all

Named changed as I've had some long posts on previous issues with my now ex husband.

I got divorced a few years ago, it was a messy unpleasant divorce, he was very abusive when I left and had been pretty unpleasant to me throughout the marriage. We have a now 5.5 year old dd who we share 50/50.

I've been with my new partner for two years and he is perfect, I have no doubts about him at all. We do want a baby together and we tried for the first time this month. I've just done a test and it's positive - a huge shock given I needed ivf for my first daughter!

My daughter will be over the moon - she's been begging me for years to have a baby, knows my partner well and loves him, and understands that having a baby would mean he would be the daddy as opposed to exh. I know I sound naive when I say she loves him but they do genuinely have so much fun together, he's so calm and patient and knows that she absolutely comes first in everything.

I'm just panicking about it all. I'm nearly 37 and so couldn't wait any longer really if I wanted to have a second child. I've been very deliberately slow in introducing him and gone at her pace, but it was a fine balance of not rushing my daughter with a second baby but also not being too old to be able to have one, especially given previous fertility difficulties. We have a house he's bought recently, close to where me and my daughter live, and we will all move into that house in due course. Writing this all down sounds like it's just going to be so much change for my daughter to handle, even though she will be excited about it. I'm panicking about her feeling left out when she goes to her dad's, and things like birthdays and Christmas when she might want to be with her sibling but her dad won't allow it just so worried about the inevitable unpleasantness exh will unleash on me when he finds out about this, and what his behaviour and attitude will mean for making the best arrangements for my daughter.

Has anyone else got a second child with someone new and how does it work out for their older child? I am so worried about her feeling left out

I am coming from this from the opposite side if the fence. I am a SM, and my SS's mother has another child with her now husband. Similar their relationship went alot faster than ours / we would have liked, but again she is late 30's so probably had an impact on the speed also. Within 3 years they moved in together, got married and had a child. My SS obviously loves his little brother but his life is so different in both homes that he doesn't really bat an eyelid. Kids are alot better at the bigger picture than we give them credit for. In the same way that he knows he has pets and rules in one house, he has no pets and different rules in the other.

Being the family with no extra kids yet, I urge you to remember that your daughter deserves Christmas at both families. You are no more special now because you will have another child.

Also, you do not need to tell your EX or ever discuss your child with him. Obviously he will find out, but don't engage if he tries to argue.

@BudgetBuster thank you for your levelling words. I really don't want to come across as thinking I have the the 'better' home because we'll have another child, I'm just worried that she will want to stay here more because of it. If she doesn't want that, then that is great! I just want her to be settled and happy. Can I ask how you split Christmas with your SS? We do a midday swap at the moment (alternate which house she wakes up at each year) which works because we live so close together but I imagine in the future she'll want to stay in one place all day.

I was thinking I would have to tell my exh - I would send a short email on it once I've told my dd further down the line, to basically say new baby is due in x month, dd knows and is happy.' I'd rather notify him upfront than him find out through her and have to try and modify his reactions without warning. But I know what his email response will be like - probably something along the lines of hoping the baby has some sort of disability due to my age etc...

My SS is now almost 11 and we swap Xmas day at 1pm. He loves going to both houses - more gifts 😂 You have to remember that at 5/6/7, children do not know what is best for them.

You absolutely do not need to tell him. What's the point really - ye clearly have a difficult relationship anyway. It would be different if ye were really easy going with eachother and that he might help you out a bit when the time comes but he obviously won't. We don't get on with my DHs ex, she never told him she was expecting. We never told her we were getting married. These things are your personal private life and he has no say in them. You will need to tell him that your daughter is moving house, but everything else I wouldn't bother - his reaction is going to be crass so don't give him that opportunity.

Thanks. Lovely to hear your SS loves the Christmas arrangements even at 11

Yes, hear what you're saying re exh - I think I'm still in the mindset of trying to act based on what will appease him the most. If I don't give him a heads up I'll be under fire for not 'giving him the courtesy' to let him know of a huge life event that will impact our daughter. Then that sets us off on the wrong foot from the start. But alas, whatever I do it'll be wrong anyway in his eyes!

Years ago we would have told my DHs ex lots of things to try to co-parent. But we've found in the last few years that telling her the necessities (leaving the country for holidays, medical, moving house) is all we are willing because the more she knows the more she wants to know and that leads to her overstepping. We are actually pregnant now, but haven't told SS, and we won't be telling her. Whether you tell him or not, he'll be rude.

My SS knows no different at Xmas, and to be honest he needs the structure of minimal changes to his routine!

Thanks Budget, and congratulations on your pregnancy!!