Threenager or behavioural problem?

[Junz84]

Hi this is my 1st time posting and was just after a bit of advice regarding a very demanding little boy! My 3 year old has always been hard work. He demands attention from the minute he wakes up to going to bed and if he doesn't get what he wants immediately he has the biggest melt downs. He is very smart and has had a very good vocabulary from being very young but he isn't very sociable. For example, if we are out and someone says "Hello!" to him he frowns, crosses his arms and huffs like they have offended him! He would never go up and play with any other children and just wants us to play with him constantly but we are finding it exhausting and not enjoyable because if we don't do something "right" when playing with him, like his figures, he just kicks off. We have been pulled in on a couple of occasions at nursery about his "controlling behaviour", as they put it, saying he has to be in control for him to be happy and if he's not in control then he will have temper tantrums that are off the scale! We have tried their techniques of visual cards and signs to tell him to "stop" and "listen" and giving him cues to what is going to happen next etc. so he is prepared but I think his behaviour is just getting worse. For example tonight, he wouldn't get in the bath because his dad had ran it and not myself and he had the biggest melt down, throwing things at us, screaming and scratching us. He knows what he's doing and usually apologises afterwards and says things like "I'm being a good boy now" but I feel he's only saying it to get his own way as will immediately start having a tantrum again if we explain to him that even though he's apologised he still can't get what he wants. We tell him all the time we love him and shower him with cuddles and never shout infront of him so I don't know where all his anger comes from! He starts full time nursery in Sept and I'm dreading him acting like this! He is our only one and we don't have any other kids in our family so not sure if he is just being a typical "three-nager" or if there is actually some sort of behavioural problem that needs looking at. Suppose I just want some advice of anyone who has been through a similar experience or am I just being a neurotic Mother?! Thanks for reading my novel 😂

How long has he been going to nursery for?

My daughter is also 3 and has been going to nursery 3 days a week since she was 1. It sounds as though your son needs a little more socialisation - if he has no siblings or other children in his close family and hasn't been going to nursery for long then he may just need more exposure to other children his own age and learn to share/compromise a bit more. It's always a tricky lesson but of he starts full-time nursery in September I'm sure he'll pick it up and you can just reinforce at home.

Does he spend time with dgps who cave to his every demand?

Thanks for your reply. He has been going since Sept last year but only 2 mornings a week. We often get comments on him not sharing with others etc. But yeah I would agree he doesn't spend enough time with other children. He always levitates towards the grown ups if we go to anywhere with other kids!

@Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets my Mam is quite strict so not as much but she also has mobility problems so I know for a fact a few bribes happen through the day when she has him so she can get him in his car seat etc, which of course he now expects everytime he goes in the car! My MIL says she doesn't give into her demands but she has him a lot more than my mam and I know for a fact she is a softer touch and he does sometimes say things like "well Nanny let's me"... Hmmm!

I think it just sounds like a classic case of only child syndrome (my husband is one so I know it well!) and not having spent much time around other children that much as opposed to anything you've done massively wrong. Going to nursery for full days will help so I wouldn't worry too much!

@MrsSamR ❤️ thank you

I’d reduce the explaining. At three it’s just too much for them.
Simple choices - red plate or blue plate. Rather than which plate.
With the bath - work together you and DH - strip him off and pop him in. He doesn’t get to choose who runs his bath. Minimum explanation and talking. V quick Bath - to make a point. Then dry off and bed time. Cuddles etc. But with clean short expectations. Not lots of explanation or talking about feelings. Because when they are tantruming they are just beyond logic.
If he’s the kind of child you can cuddle to calmness then do that. If not it’s ok.
Hes likely realised that grown ups are more biddable that other children when it comes to playing.
It will pass. Some kids like the idea of being in charge. In reality it makes them unhappy. That’s the parents role.

Fluffyclouds is correct, toddler brains cannot rationalise the explaining. Big little feelings on instagram has done a few posts on this which could be helpful. It doesn't always work, but the choices is key. "you're struggling with this right now, it is making you sad and you don't want to leave the park. Do you want to to wear your red or blue shoes to the shops when we are going?" . The two choices really help and make them feel somewhat empowered. We found our 3 year old (also oldest child, very advanced and tantrum prone) loves the colour monster pop up book and shouting when pretending to the be the angry monster. That one helps post tantrum or to cool it faster "let's go read the colour monster and see if we can identify how we are feeling". Aside from that, I recommend distraction. If you can get in before the big blow up, and completely change the topic and make them laugh or look at something completely different. "Oh Daddy just did a very stinky fart, can you smell it? Is Dad stinky?" "oh I think I see an aeroplane, can you see it? It is huge and so fast" that tactic helps a lot!

These resources have helped me with my threenager

https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/threenager/

https://instagram.com/dr.siggie?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

I don't have much other advice apart from you seem to be quite concerned about the nursery's comments. Have you asked them what strategies they are adopting to help your DS? It's all very well saying he does x, y and z but what are they doing to help him navigate these situations? Maybe he needs some more time at nursery to help with his social skills? Could it be a hangover from being a covid baby? My DD has taken 7 months at nursery to come out of her shell (3 afternoons a week)

The only other thing I have to say is solidarity OP. Threenagers are a difficult animal!

Three is a hard age for little ones and their parents I think. I wouldn't necessarily agree that having a lot of adult attention means he will be more bady behaved than children who are in nursery though but I would say it's probably the reason that his vocabulary is so advanced as like my own dgs being surrounded by adults gives them a good foundation. The trouble is that because he speaks well it's probably assumed that socially and emotionally he is on the same level as his vocabulary and expectations are higher on him as a result where he's still a toddler with the same frustrations as those who maybe don't have equal language skills. Limited choice but always a choice and distraction work all the time with dgs alongside very predictable routines and warnings of any transitions.

Behaviour is communication.
He needs to feel in control, he’s just one of those people.
Pick your battles.
Decide what you will let him control, and what are the non-negotiables.
Let him choose as much as possible.
His pervasive visceral need to control
everything in his life will reduce.

I advise this as the mother of a now 14 yr old boy who was SO high maintenance as a baby and toddler. Turns out he’s Autistic so things not being “just right” feels painful and distressing for him. We have a wonderful relationship now and he is a delight (most of the time).

Its great that your DS is very verbal as it means as he gets older you can take a collaborative approach and things will feel much calmer in the household.