Want a 3rd child but it's a terrible idea..

[mimoo1]

I have 2 children (aged 3 & 6). I have recently started to feel that massive desire to have a 3rd child.

It's a terrible idea for the following reasons:
-developed epilepsy during 2nd pregnancy. It's all under control now but what if another pregnancy started the seizures off again.

• I'm constantly exhausted anyway.
• don't have enough bedrooms (2 would have to share).
• would need a new car.
• could just about afford another one but wouldn't be able to do as many nice things as a family.
• childcare costs would be ridiculous.
• can't imagine family members would want to look after 3 kids at the same time.
• I'm not sure I could survive all that early stage again.

-feel like I'm only just getting a bit of my old life back and starting to work out who I am again.

All these terrible reasons but I just desperately want another one!! Anyone else been through this? Does the urge to have another one eventually leave you?

Keep reminding yourself of all the reasons why not to.

I'll add to your list.

Teenagers are expensive - 3 x mobile phones, 3 x laptops (they will each need one for homework), 3 x school uniforms and shoes, 3 x school trips

Teenagers take a huge emotional toll on you. You can hug and kiss a three year old better, but when your 13 year old comes home from school crying because they are being bullied you can't sort it out for them.

Other stresses - 3 x GCSEs, 3 x A levels, 3 x UCAS

And the biggest expense of all - 3 x financial support through university.

I am the same. I have two children who are nearly 3 and 4 and I am so broody.
There are so many reasons why wevshouldnt have another but my family doesn't feel complete with two.

Childcare is the huge cost initially then you have a little dip in expenses then teenage costs are large. Mobile phones, computers, clothes, shoes, school trips, possibly driving lessons and support during university/apprenticeships. Now obviously you don't have to pay for all of these things and you can economise but most parents who can, want to help.

Even with all this I understand your desire for a third, kids are great. I wish I'd started younger. The most important thing though is your health and I'm your shoes I'd want at least a chat with a doctor to check that it's unlikely to seriously affect your health.

Take care

Teens are lovely but demand so much of you emotionally and financially. We often say how glad we are we stopped at two

I think the only one I'd be really worried about there is the epilepsy. Have you spoken to a Dr? Otherwise it all sounds pretty manageable if you want to make it work.

I do get the burning desire for a third child @mimoo1 but honestly, being 'just about' able to afford another isn't fair on anyone - I say this as someone whose parents went for a third, sibling was born with severe additional needs and we were very poor for years because all their childcare plans had to change. I look back and it absolutely blighted my later childhood because there wasn't enough time/ money/ energy to go round - I had to do without basic things like a school coat and sanpro because we couldn't afford them. So please, please, if you're thinking your finances are stretched now, consider what it would be like if you had a baby with SEN/ twins/ anything else that stretched your budget even further.

Your priority should be your existing kids not your feelings. As harsh as that sounds why should they lose out on time and opportunities including sharing a room just because you want another dc? So much could potentially go wrong, hopefully you can find a way to be grateful for what you have.

It basically comes down to hormones, there is a strong biological instinct to reproduce otherwise species would die out. I have kids a similar age and although I hate being pregnant, didn't enjoy the newborn stage and had PND I still get the urge to have another. I just keep having a strong word with my brain and telling it to stop being an idiot 😂

Ask your doctor about the epilepsy starting again if you become pregnant. If it’s certain then you’ll have the medical reason to hold onto. It might make you feel able to not have another child. If you don’t have a medical risk then why not? Having kids is a huge amount of work and cost. Your two kids can pass down clothes, baby equipment, toys - you will need a new car seat. You’ll work out the house and car and childcare.

How many on here who say go for another have teenagers?
If you can only just about afford another when they are small this cost is a drop in the ocean compared to teenagers. Also they will want their own space when studying for GCSEs and A levels.

God no. 3 School aged kids all wanting to do different things at different times. Costs. Teens - even worse

I had a really strong urge to go for number 3 too. It was the posts on MN about the teenage years that really made me reconsider. Mine are 8 & 6 now so still not there yet, but the intense urge has passed thankfully.

I think it's common to have a bit of a panic at the ages they are now, they're starting to get easier and you can see how they will need you less and you don't want to leave it too long. But honestly do not underestimate how much older children need you, all the reasons you list are good but also the most valuable thing you can give your children is your time, and you will have much more of it sticking to 2. Don't waste these precious years yearning for something that isn't practical. Parents with 3+ kids look away, but I think you will develop deeper and more meaningful relationships with 2 children vs trying to spread yourself across 3, especially if you work. Focus on what you do have and the positives.

Oh and yes whilst I wouldn't say the urge was huge, the should I or shouldn't I thought process was really time consuming in those years, I think by the time my youngest started school I was resolved with 2 and my mind went calm! DH got the snip so we wouldn't come back to it (especially if there was a surge or broodiness late 30s!)

I have zero regrets, and it's much easier for me to look at it practically now and know it's best for my kids this way.

It does pass. For me it was having a 4th not a 3rd, I was absolutely convinced we’d have another as I was so broody I couldn’t imagine not having another baby.

Now I have no feelings of broodiness at all and very happy we didn’t go for another (my youngest is almost 4). Life is just starting to get easier. And yes, older kids so expensive so think about that too (recent purchases for my teen: laptop, summer camp with scouts (£300), new uniform (£600), school trip to Italy for geography (£700). And yes they aren’t all mandatory but for us we wanted to be in a position to do this stuff, hence making a brain not heart decision.

I don't think the urge goes but I'm no advice as I have 4! We managed to extend into 5 bed house but that took time. One never had their own room for most of his life. Three get on, the oldest doesn't snd is resentful ( wanted to be an only child)

It's messy whatever you choose. Sharing is OK, as long as the room is big so we stopped the master for the kids double before extending

Mother of three here, and let me tell you when one of the kids is out of the house and I just have two to look after things are SO MUCH EASIER.

It seems like 2 children play nicer together than 3 (less conflict), I can do activities with them easier, keeping an eye on them while out and about it easier. 3 really is hard work. And I feel like my one on one time for each is really stretched. I have no idea how I’m going to do school work like reading and homework with them all once my youngest starts school in sept.

So while you think you may want three, it’s probably just the drive as a human to procreate that is making you think this. It might be a disaster in reality, esp as you can’t guarantee a healthy baby. Even a SEN issue like ADHD (which my eldest has) is going to make things a lot harder, and that’s not out of the realms of possibility.

Don't do it! Environmentally responsible too.

@mimoo1 I think the age of your youngest is the trigger age for a lot of us wanting another. They're just coming out of early toddlerhood and becoming more independent. I'm in a similar boat and have similar reasons to you as to why it's a bad idea. The main one I focus on though, if that I know I'd be spread too thin attention wise and I don't want to take that away from the two I have. So I'm committed to doing what's best for them and so I tell my ovaries to pipe down! 🤣

The broodiness wears off. Two teens even lovely ones is quite enough for anyone.

I have just about finished raising my two now and I'd say don't do it. I had easy teenagers but it was still very challenging as they required much more of my mental capacity than I had thought. The problems they have as teens are actual real and heartbreaking problems that keeps you up at night worrying about them. I think two teens and two parents is just about doable, any more and you are spread too thin.

The main point for me, that the OP has left out, is the environmental impact.

Also, it is just hormones. You have many arguments why it would make life for everyone just a little bit worse, so your desire to have more is not rational.