My son is nearly 2 years old, since before he was even born I have had issues with MIL overstepping boundaries, giving unsolicited advice, judging me, disrespecting me and doing things that have compromised my sons safety. When called out on behaviours, she shows no remorse, is unapologetic and behaves like a moody teenager (eye rolling, getting defensive, making excuses etc).
It got so bad that my partner and I almost broke up because of the issues she was causing. Eventually I had to make the decision to cut her off to protect my sanity and mental health as I could no longer cope with her (no reasoning with her what so ever)
My partner still has a relationship with her and takes my son to visit her. (Visits had to become supervised due to her making constant mistakes that put him at risk)
Some of the things she’s done/behaviours so you know what I’m taking about:
Used a faulty prep machine that dispensed the incorrect amount of water so therefore she was feeding him extremely thick formula bottles, for weeks everytime he was at her house she would complain to me that something was wrong with him because he always cried and had stomach issues, obviously I had no idea as to the reason (he was fine at home) until I made a bottle at her house and immediately noticed that amount was not correct. This was when he was only a couple months old (I didn’t feel comfortable with her even having him but I was bullied and guilt tripped into it) when I pointed it out to her and questioned why she wasn’t checking if it was the right amount in his bottles she just said it was an accident these things happen (basically I needed to get over it)
Drove with him in the car seat with the straps hanging off him so loose that he may as well have not been in the car seat, when I questioned her about it she said he was crying and didn’t seem comfortable when car seat was attached to pram so she loosened it and then forgot about it, again these things happen it wasn’t done on purpose so I just needed to get over it, no apology or responsibility taken.
She would guilt trip me and my partner about wanting to have him alone as my mum has him alone but then when we would ask her to have him she would make constant excuses not to have him, it was only allowed to be on her terms when it suited her and even when she had him she would end up bringing him home sometimes late at night because she “couldn’t settle him”
Not give him dinner when he was in her care because she “didn’t know he needed it” yet then when I would write out a clear routine for her to follow she would get offended and be funny with me for not trusting her make comments such as “I have had kids you know” etc
Arrange to collect him at a time of her choice to have him when she has asked too (not me asking her to babysit as a favour) and then turn up hours late with no care in the world, no apology and again the attitude of “these things happen” I need to get over it.
These are just a few examples off the top of my head but so much happened and every time we tried to address it with her she wouldn’t take responsibility and got defensive hence me stepping away and cutting ties.
Life has been easier since I stopped being involved with her directly but of course with her still seeing my son and partner there have still been some issues it’s just that I will speak to my partner and he will speak to her and handle it instead of it being down to me.
I thought that things were going well and she finally understood and respected that we are his parents however I recently discovered she took it upon her self to change his car seat to forward facing without even asking us. Obviously I am aware that it is legal from 15 months but even a small amount of research will show you that it is much safer for little ones to be rear facing for as long as possibly (a fact that I previously informed her of when she purchased the extended rear facing car seat) I know this may not seem like a big deal to some but for me it’s just shown that she still has absolutely zero respect for us as parents and feels that she is within her rights to make decisions for our son on our behalf. Now I could maybe understand her feeling that way or making the decision if she constantly had my son and was one of his primary caregivers and maybe was in the car with him just the two of them a lot so wanted him to be able to see her but even then I’d still expect the courtesy of her discussing it with us first but anyway that is not the case at all, she doesn’t care for him alone, we don’t ask her for anything, she barely sees him and is not a big part of his life so I just can’t comprehend why she thinks it’s her choice to make.. whenever our son is in her car my partner is sat in the back with him so he doesn’t fuss.
Obviously I cannot trust her to check with me first or make decisions that aren’t based on her knowledge from having a child 25 years ago however I thought I could at least trust my partner to supervise and check things with me if he wasn’t sure however he knew about the car seat for weeks and didn’t even mention it to me, he asked his mum why she had changed it and she informed him “I googled it and it says 15months, it’s better for him this way he can stretch his legs” and he just took her word for it and didn’t even think to say anything about it to me, obviously this worries me as clearly he will not challenge her or question her or even think hmmm we don’t do it this way maybe I should double check with mum to make sure it’s right.
After I found out and told my partner to put it back the other way and sent him all the info on why it’s safer, he showed this info to his mum and once again her attitude was still “well he’s okay the other way it’s more comfortable for him but fine put it back the other way” so still even after being shown the info she believes she knows best and I’m over the top and it’s just my ridiculous opinions.
I understand that a lot has changed since she had a baby so it might be strange for her however my mum has absolutely no problem accepting that her knowledge may be outdated and therefore she needs to follow what we say or check with us, I really don’t think it’s that hard!! Also not sure if it’s relevant but I’m actually a qualified nursery practitioner so I really do know what I’m talking about but she still thinks she knows best!
Anyway I’m not unsure of what more I can do, I’ve cut contact with her and limited contact between her and my son to supervised only yet she’s still finding ways to be defiant and make her own choices without regards to what’s actually safest for my son.
If you read all of this thank you, I know it’s a lot.
If you were in my situation, what would you do?