Why do I take it so personally..

[bungletru]

Hear me out..

I have an 8month old
first baby after several miscarriages and losses.

I have an issue when goin into crowded areas or people touching my bby. Not always but most of the time I can’t deal with them touching his face, poking, prodding, grabbing him out of my arms.
it makes me feel so uncomfortable as if I feel his discomfort (not that he is always uncomfortable)

is this normal?!
😫😫

just want people to stop touching and grabbing him like he’s a toy. I’m also not a touchy feely person and cringe at it so much.
i don’t like certain people (ppl who I don’t get on with) having him but I grit my teeth and allow it sometimes.

ughhh. Tell me I’m not alone and/or how to get over this.

where do you go where this happens? it isn't normal

Mainly DHs family. People I don’t tend to have the best relationships with. Who’ve treated me badly and had no compassion for what we’ve been through.

o, so family, I thought you meant strangers were doing this

This is actually over the top.
You are putting your insecurities and anxiety onto your child.

I hear you..
but how do I stop it? & if I can see he’s physically uncomfortable with it, then what? I’m still OTT?

At 8 months old he is not "uncomfortable".You are projecting how you feel.
But I have sympathy with not being ok with in-laws .

How have they treated you in the past?

@SomeOfThesePostsAreRidiculous

long story but..
theyve never respected me, emotional abuse, had the losses and they were awful
about it, any time I was pregnant they would be like “oh well we’ll see if you actually manage to have this one”, the list goes on. It’s a bad relationship.
they don’t want me around when they visit they take baby away and tell me to go do something. It’s not a healthy relationship but I’m very aware I would not take a grandparent/ grandchild relationship away from my child.

bare in mind, they don’t visit often because they say they’re too busy. But when they do he’s not happy - he cries more with them than he does with anyone else.
they don’t really care for his needs. If he needs a sleep they’ll say he doesnt.. just so they can continue to play with him when he’s obviously upset. This is what I mean by uncomfortable. Probably wrong terminology. He shows he’s not happy and they continue to do what they’re doing anyway. He’ll reach for me and they’ll say no you’re not going to her. don’t know why I put up with it in all honesty but you’re saying I’m being OTT so I’m curious to know how you’d think I should handle it?

How does your husband handle/respond to his family's treatment of you?

@SomeOfThesePostsAreRidiculous he didn’t used to
he was brought up by them so thought they were normal
but as the years have gone by he sees how wrong it is and now we have a baby he doesn’t tolerate it as much.

Does he stand up for you?
I 💯 understand that it's what they have only known,it's the usual.(husbands)

@bungletru
I'm here if you would like supportive feedback. I have been there.

Yes please go for it.

I was like this with my first, around people I didn't like. I felt a very strong physically connection with my baby and I couldn't stand my in laws touching her and felt they were too physically intimate with her - as in, I felt they got their faces too close, would wipe her face with their spit on a tissue, kiss her on the lips etc. It used to make me physically panic, and sweat. I hated when they got their perfume smells on her. It was during covid though so not sure if that was an element of it. If I could have avoided them altogether I would have! I felt it with my family too but not as strongly. As for a stranger - if an old lady started to put their hand in the pram I would have probably gone mental at them! Looking back, and now with a second baby that I don't feel any of this with, I think it was a sign of my PPD/A. It has caused me to wonder if my bond with my second isn't as strong, but actually I just think I wasn't 100% well.

Oh and as for how to get over it, it's worth exploring if you might have a tough of post partum anxiety or depression of course. But also I found it eased with time. The more independent your baby becomes, the less strong my responses were to their interactions and also the more the baby can signal when they don't like something. My DD went through a phase from about 10 months old where she would cry every time my MIL tried to cuddle her etc and I'm sure it was because she was too "in her face". She's only just come out of that now (she's 3) and will go running to Nana for a cuddle! I think my MIL has also learnt to step back a bit too though, and not force kisses etc. Do talk to your DH about it and explain how distressing you find it. We came to a compromise about how often we would see them and what things we would subtly not allow. For example I hated my MIL changing nappies as she would blow raspberries on my DD which made my skin crawl, so we would just take DD upstairs to change her. But I did concede they were allowed to hold her and my physical reaction eased over time. At the end of the day, your feelings do matter and you need to be comfortable with what happens with your baby.

@headcheffer omg thank you for sharing. So much of this is similar to what I am going through.
I’ll speak to the HV about PPD/A even though I was sure I managed to escape it… probably not 😅

My LO also doesn’t like MIL… I keep thinking maybe he gets the vibe. She’s a fake miserable woman and waaaay too quick to put her lips on him and fingers in his mouth. Urghhh!!

thank you again, really helpful.