Baby struggling to bond with her dad...

[Girlmum14]

Hi, my partner and I have a 10month old baby together and either he is struggling to bond with her or she is struggling to bond with him.

We don't live together which makes things very difficult.
He has refused to live with me unless I move 25 miles into his childhood home which is out of the question as my older child has moved around a lot over the last few years and is finally settled. He stays over a few nights a week most weeks.

I get the feeling that maybe he is trying to hard with her which is pushing her away. He is all over her when he is with her, constantly stroking her head. Even when she's eating he is still touching her and kissing her all the time. She has started pushing him away but that doesn't stop him. I try to give them space when he is here but I hear her constantly shouting for me and sometimes he won't let her come to me which makes her so upset.
She has just started crawling and won't crawl to him at all. She crawled to my mum the other day and you could tell he wasn't happy about this as he stormed out of the room.

It's getting the point now that when he's here I feel like I can't act the same with the baby as when he's not here because I am worrying if it's going to upset him.

Trying to keep everyone happy is such hard work 😕

Any advice?

I always find babies do better with space.
no adult human would want to be constantly touched and stroked (shuddering as I think of it) so why do we think babies would like that?!

sounds like he’s being very over the top and childish too.

tell him to engage with her without the touch and the cuddles will come later. Games, peekaboo, reading.
he needs to build a bond which is more than physical touch which she clearly doesn’t like.
I find it quite weird he is constantly touching your baby. I’d be so uncomfortable.

leave them alone together regularly.

Absolutely do not do this.

He is crossing all of your daughters boundaries, she doesn't like it and because he ignores her dislike she doesn't enjoy her time with him.
He can bond first by playing, feeding and being around her more but he HAS to stop the overly tactile approach.
Not that I think he will listen to you at all btw.
He sounds immature and I think unable to see or accept anyone else's pov.
Good luck.

of course do it, he is her father, I doubt her touches her more than your do. They need time and space to get to know each other away from the distraction of having mum in the next room. It will take time, but they will get there

sometimes he won't let her come to me which makes her so upset.

She has just started crawling and won't crawl to him at all. She crawled to my mum the other day and you could tell he wasn't happy about this as he stormed out of the room.

He needs to grow up

No, please don't. This will cause the baby huge anxiety & make things much worse.

This ^^

Your partner is an idiot.

Advice: stop trying to keep everyone happy.

Dump your narcissistic, immature, selfish partner who thinks the baby should take her place in orbit around him.

Honestly, he sounds awful, please leave him for both your children’s sake

No it wont, this is her FATHER who she sees regularly.

They need time together away from the judgements and interventions of the mother to build up their own relationship.

Babies get used to being cared for by other people all the time, this is an 8 month old, surely they have been used to nursery/childminder/relatives care since the mother returned to work.

They will quickly get used to being in their father's care. He has just as much right to care for the baby alone as the mother does

It's only a shame that she has got so old without having regular time alone with her father. She should already be used to it

Ugh poor you. I feel like women are always constantly having to mediate for men. It’s exhausting. I do it all the time with my dp - and he’s weird with my mum and our baby together.
I agree with others - don’t force her. Do fun things together as a family. Probably just making the situation worse if when she’s alone with him, she’s wanting to be with you

He sounds awful. And not much of a partner if you don’t live together. Of course he is going to be less close to her than you are - he’s chosen not to live with her, he has put his needs first.

Um well, she is his child too, so he can spend time with her alone.

You need to explain to him clearly Op that he needs to let her take the lead and not smother her - he sounds quite challenging, but clearly he wants a relationship with her, so hopefully he can hear it if it’s explained clearly.

Overall though he sounds very emotionally immature. Some couples counselling might help you manage that in him.. assuming you want to.

"Babies get used to being cared for by other people all the time, this is an 8 month old, surely they have been used to nursery/childminder/relatives care since the mother returned to work."

OP says the baby is 10 months old.

Thank you everyone for your advice it means a lot 🙏

@orangeleavesinautumn the baby is 10 months old and I am a stay at home mum so she hasn't been to any childminders or nursery. I am in no way a judgy mum. I give him time and space. He takes her to the park. I go and have showers and naps. I have tried so hard to help them bond. He just has no concept of personal space. He definitely does touches her more than I do. He never stops. Imagine someone constantly rubbing your head and kissing you when you're trying to eat, how would you feel?

I really think that if he gave her space she would then be happy to be with him.