Ear piercing

[MLH1975]

SD is 6 years old and has wanted her ears pierced for a few months now. Her mother point blank refuses to allow it due to her age (she won’t even let her 17 year old son have his ear pierced either due to his age) however dad has no problem with it as it’s what his daughter wants. They have 50/50 custody. How do we navigate this, obviously we want to respect the mums decision, however surely the 6 year olds choice should come into it as well? Help!

Has your OH and the mum discussed it with each other?

Yes they discussed it for months, ever since the 6 year old decided she’d like them done.

Dad sounds like a right Disney Dad - "no problem as it's what his daughter wants" about something she first mentioned only recently. Does he engage his critical thinking facilities ever, or just automatically take the opposing stance to his ex? 6 is far too young for ear piercing, although the mum is OTT about the 17yo. I would take a step back from the issue if I were you, op, as it's not your business.

Ear piercing isn’t a hill to die on when coparenting, 6 is still really quite young and I doubt that many girl’s in her class at school have them done yet (my DD is 6 and it’s only her and 1 other girl with pierced ears). So probably I’d just shut it down for now and revisit in a few years. Although the stepson can get it done without parental consent at Claires (probably other places too) if he wants, IDK if you want to tell him that though.

There is however a link between piercing after the age of 11 and an increased risk of keloids. So maybe that could be an angle Dad could take with mum when SD is more like 9/10?

A perfect opportunity for both separated parents to discuss something like adults in the best interests of their child...

I would set an (almost arbitrary) date in the future as to when she is allowed to make her own decision about getting it done. I hadn't known about the above mentioned keloids that @TropicalTrama refers to, as was going to suggest 11 / or when she starts secondary school, but perhaps in light of that say 10?

@Joolsin thank you for your comment. Go in for th kill why don’t you. I was merely asking for guidance, not an attack on my OH. FYI she doesn’t always get what she wants and no he does not and never has taken the opposing stance against the mum.

@TropicalTrama thank you for your reply. I agree, it’s probably best to revisit in the future.

@Mummysalwaysright i didn’t know about the keloids issue either. Certainly some useful information to know to add to the discussion further down the line.

At 6 she doesn't have capacity to decide.

We operate on the basis of Parents in disagreement, it isn't a medical need then the "no" is held.

Why not offer clip on s? But no way would I be pleased if any parent went against another for a small body altering procedure. It's not necessary it can be a decisive subject so I would respect her mother's decision, the same if the dad held an opposing view.

This is the wrong place to ask. Mumsnet is quite anti-ear piercing for children (I’ll never forget one thread that claimed piercing a baby’s ears was equivalent to circumcision —!!) but it is acceptable culturally in many places around the world — in my own father’s culture, babies have their ears pierced often at birth and mine were done when I was a toddler.

My daughter has been asking for at least two years but her father (white British) is against it, so we have said she has to wait until she is 8 this summer so she can get it done with a needle vs untrained piercing gun. Could that be a good compromise?

I didn't know about the keloid issue either. I had my ears peirced at 46!
Doen't it depend on how they are done as well - Claire's Accessories vs a proper ear peircer?

I think you need to find a compromise with her mum such as when she goes to secondary school. Also I have a 6 year old and while she’d love in theory to have her ears pierced she isn’t ready for all the cleaning, changing, etc that goes with it and the discomfort if it gets infected.
it’s not fair to put that responsibility on her mum to be dealing with that all when she doesn’t agree to it.

Children can want all they like but parents are allowed to enforce their boundaries.

But I mainly came on to say that my DS Primary School does not allow any jewellery even stud earrings even during healing time after a piercing so do check the little girls school will allow her to wear them at any point before she gets her ears pierced, if that decision is made.

Definitely compromising is the way forward we know that. As I mentioned the 17 year old isn’t allowed his ears pierced either, so I’m not sure how we go about compromising. Mother has ear piercings and several tattoos (as does her dad) so she’s not opposed to piercings in the general sense.

Re the keloids thing, it was DD’s paediatrician who told me about it so presuming there is truth in it and not just an urban legend but ultimately keloids are pretty rare so it’s not even close to a must do it by aged 10. It just might be a handy way to start an objective conversation with mum should her dad want to go there in the future.

I totally agree with this though: she isn’t ready for all the cleaning, changing, etc that goes with it and the discomfort if it gets infected. it’s not fair to put that responsibility on her mum to be dealing with that all when she doesn’t agree to it
Since she doesn’t live FT with you, at a minimum SD has to be old enough to take care of them herself, clean them twice a day whilst healing and then take the earrings out/put them back in herself. So that likely rules out her being younger than 10 and even then only if she’s pretty sensible.

Reputable piercers don’t pierce that young. 8 is generally the minimum. Partly it’s about capacity to make informed consent, and partly it’s about size of ears - too young and their ears still have too much growing to do, meaning that piercings can end up lopsided. So I’d rule this debate out for at least another couple of years, anyway.

If the parents don't agree then there is nothing to navigate. SD will just have to wait. 6 is on the young side and there will be plenty of girls at school who don't have them done so it's not as if she'll be left out. My dad refused permission until i was 18 - that was a bit extreme (i never had them done as the desire had faded by then). My daughter is 9 and we've said she can have hers done in the summer holidays (to allow healing time) between primary and secondary- if she wants, she hasn't shown much interest. Is the mum willing to commit to an age/ date she would consider? I'm a bit surprised she's saying no to her son at 17. My son got his done age 16 or 17, no discussion, just showed us in a matter of fact way. Didn't occur to me to object - he'd left school by then.

I’m perhaps a bit over the top on this but if exDH had taken DD to get hers pierced when I’d said no I would just have taken them out when she was with me so they grew up. DD1 has just had hers done at 11 with both our agreement, I don’t think she’d have been capable of looking after them before, some days it’s all I can do to get deodorant on her! The 17 year old could easily go and get it done if really bothered about it and I’d leave them to navigate it themselves. We also operate on the if one says no it’s no, or try to!