Disinterested grandparents

[HazelraBlackberry]

I'm finding it really difficult to come to terms with my parents lack of interest in my children and I'm wondering if anyone has been through the same.

The most difficult thing about it is that they seem to want the appearance and self-image of being a close family on WhatsApp etc and get very cross and act all perplexed if I stop bothering with them, but they don’t actually want to be close or see me & my kids or step up in any way. I feel like I’m being pushed and pulled.

They do wrap around care for my brother's child during term time, but this isn't full time as he goes to his mum’s a lot. They are are retired and fit and we only live an hour away.

They haven't been to our house for nearly four years and whenever I ask there is either an excuse, or they get defensive or just don't respond to my message inviting them up. We live an hour away and my dad has traveled over an hour for events he wants to go to - so they could do it if they wanted.

I've spelled it out to them that it's hard especially in the holidays and that the kids would love to see them, but get radio silence back or they get cross with me for asking. When both of my babies were born they came for one day and didn't contact me or see me for weeks after that.

I do visit them but it is difficult as my kids have hobbies and parties on the weekends. I'm not asking for any childcare or even overnight stays, just for them to have a relationship with my kids. What messes with my head is that they keep saying 'oh we'd really like to come up', or 'you're always welcome here' but then they get irritable when I follow up by inviting them, and if I go down there they make very little effort to interact with the kids, act like it’s a bit of an imposition plus the house isn’t at all childproofed.

I feel like this is a kind of gaslighting really - it would be so much easier if they just said that they can't be bothered to see my kids. It's like they don't want to feel bad so they say the right things but won't actually do anything.

The galling thing is that I had a lovely relationship with my Grandmother who was very involved with me, and I feel my kids are being deprived of that wider relationship with extended family.

I am getting the point of accepting that they aren't interested, but the way they are towards my kids affects how I feel about my parents. I can't help it and feels like a natural outgrowth of their disinterest in me and my kids, especially at times when they know I’ve really struggled for example when I had a miscarriage and still just didn’t bother to see me. It's made me really reassess my relationship with them, it doesn’t feel at all like a real relationship, and I just don't feel like I can be bothered with making the effort with them at all.

It feels like they’ve broken the social contract that has naturally existed between grandparents and grandchildren for generations and the fact that they choose to spend their days on the internet rather than having a real relationship with their grandkids means I have lost a huge amount of respect for them tbh.

Added to this they don’t allow any of their grandchildren to call them grandma or granddad and insist on being called by their first names.

I know we live in very individualistic times but it’s such a shame and feels so wrong.

This sounds like hard work, I'm sorry. When they message saying things like they'd love to see you etc I'd maybe keep saying "it's your turn to come to us, let me know dates you can make it and I'll tell you which ones work for us!"

That said, could there be a reason they don't want to come that they're not sharing with you? E.g. failing eyesight so struggling with driving, IBS or similar so want access to their own loo, do you have a big dog they're scared of/allergic to? Etc etc.

Yes, this is rubbish. In many of these posts on MN, the OP seems to be expecting a lot, but in your case you're hardly expecting anything and they're still letting you down. The right answer is to go low contact but it's so hurtful, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thanks for your replies.

takealettermsjones that’s a good point but there isn’t a good reason really no since they both drive and my dad drives and takes himself off to things that are an equal distance to where we live. I don’t get it but I need to work on accepting it and also accepting that the nonsense about wanting to see us is in fact nonsense. You’re right though if they do ever bring it up (which they never do - they only ever say they’d love to see us while simultaneously saying that they can’t in response to me asking) then I will give a direct response suggesting dates like that.

I think you’re right LobsterCrab - low contact is the best option for my sanity. Difficult to come to terms with though.

What happens at Christmas and birthdays? Do they make an effort then?

'The most difficult thing about it is that they seem to want the appearance and self-image of being a close family on WhatsApp etc'
This would seriously annoy me, they are dickheads!
You've made an effort and it's a joint effort even if one person puts in more effort than the other.
Can you confront them with exact this and ask why? It wouldn't be the nicest conversation but I would ask it very directly and see what they say even if they avoid the question.

They always turn down invitations to come to the kids birthday parties and send a load of gifts in the post instead. My youngest is four and they’ve never been to a birthday of his.

They haven’t invited us over for Christmas for years and if I invite them up her over Christmas they make excuses or say they’d love to but can’t for something something reason.

I’ve confronted them before and they just say they can’t because of the dogs or cats or there is an endless list of excuses and they get very defensive. Then they will say months later that they will come up, and they don’t. I do get that animals make it harder to go out for long periods - i have a dog myself - but they could get a dog sitter or ask one of my siblings. Or invite us down and just engage with the kids! There’s just zero reciprocity.

The worst was a few weeks ago I face timed them with my little boy and he said to them ‘why don’t you ever come to my house’ and they said ‘oh we will’ and I bloody well know they won’t! And they won’t invite us down either! That was shitty I thought.

I’m sorry op - what a rubbish situation.
You’ll just keep going round in circles the longer you try to get them to engage, getting more frustrated and your dcs will probably pick up in it, it is very unlikely your parents will change.
They sound selfish & unworthy of your dcs time. It’s sad, but I would be going low contact from now on. They really don’t deserve your efforts.

My DM was a bit like this (no DF). My two DCs are late teens now, and she hardly sees them. They like her and she likes them, and that's the best it will be as they had just enough contact, but it's not the close relationship that she seems to expect.

DHs parents have died, but his sister has always made the minimum of effort as well.

The best thing we did was ignore the lot of them. When they were young we made sure we had childcare as no one in the family was going to help us. Now they are older we make sure that we have family activities together as a 4. The idea being that these will continue as they grow up and have their own families.

DH and I have often said how we will be different grand parents.

As for my mum, she occassionally comments on how she's not close to the kids or suggests they 'should' do something. I ignore it and refuse to feel guilt as it's of her making.

Agreed RockyRoady. Thanks for your kind words everyone.

I’m sorry you’ve had a similar situation. Well done for finding a way through it. I think I need to develop a similar level of detachment and move on. Like you my husband and I have talked about how we would like to be be different with our own grandkids.

Your posts make for very sad reading, OP. They sound like a distant and uncle rather than your mum and dad, mildly fond of you but with no wish to play a part in your life beyond Christmas cards and the odd phone call. I can kind of understand people not having a massive interest in their grandkids (though find it sad) but to lose interest in their own daughter seems so cold.

They're unlikely to ever change, as I'm sure you're aware, so I suppose you just need to resign yourself to the knowledge that they're the real losers in this scenario.

You can be the type of grandparent to your grandkids that your own grandfather was.

I lived a few hundred yards away from my DPs. My DM made it very clear that she wasn't interested in being a hands on grandmother from the birth of my first. She had had to bring up her brothers, two were brain damaged and then struggled with me, in and out of secure mental health facilities with PND and psychosis. She said she was done with childcare. Maybe your DPs feel the same way and have their reasons.

I've been the opposite. I've spent nearly 25 years of continuous childcare for my seven grandchildren. It's exhausting especially as we get older, but we wanted the bond with them.

It really is entirely up to grandparents how they want to be. I respected my DP's choice and just got on with it.

Bare minimum here too. I wouldn’t be making the effort any more if I were you. I’d just take the empty promises at face value and carry on with living your life and making your own plans. If they can fit in with it every once in a while then great, if not, it is their loss. Setting expectations low for the kids will also help manage any disappoint, it won’t be long before they will realise for themselves that there isn’t much input and that will become the norm
. You can’t make people interested in you, sadly.

Stop contacting them and remove yourself from the WhatsApp group. See what happens.

I could've written this except the titles. I live a 12 minute drive from my parents, though, which seems to cut more deep. It's shit and I'm sorry you're going through it too.

I've been through this with my in laws. They are hugely involved with my niece and nephew but have no idea about my children. When they do see them, they speak to my partner and don't interact with the children. My kids have had more conversations with the postman than their own (local!) grandparents.

It's taken me years to come to terms with this. It's so disappointing but my kids aren't missing a relationship because they've never had it. At Christmas I get annoyed at the pretence that all grandchildren are equal, but other than that, I'm happy that they have interested and loving adults in their lives elsewhere.