Can't cope with five year old DD

[ChrisTrepidation]

Sitting here in tears because I've had such an awful day with DD and feel lie such a terrible mum.

I have b/g twins. They will be 5 next month. I am really really struggling to cope with DD and desperately need some suggestions.

She is the sweetest, kindest, cleverest little girl but she has the most horrendous tantrums and is just so willful.

She will shout at me, scream at the top of her lungs, throw things, bite or hit me (and sometimes bite herself) She wouldn't get down off the wall in the bus station earlier on. I told her to get down and she screamed "No" at the top of her lungs until everyone was staring. She does this in public quite a lot and it's so embarrassing.

I feel like I cannot control her and I'm honestly scared how I will deal with her as she gets older. I'm a lone parent so already always tired and often quite low on emotional reserves. I'm ashamed to say I often end up shouting back and I've smacked her a few times in sheer frustration. I know it's wrong to do so but I just get to beyond the end of my tether sometimes.

I love her so much. I just want to do the right thing for her and for her to be happy. I feel so alone with it all and I just don't know what to do to change things.

Do you ever have one to one time with either of them?

Occasionally but I'm a lone parent so it's not easy to have one on one time with them. I would love to spend more time with them separately.

My parents have them when I work. I don't want to put on them even more. They are both in their 70s so it's hard work for them.

Sending support and sympathy to you. A child who has tantrums is very tough and it’s difficult to see a way through it. I looked after my sister’s DS a lot and he had tantrums at exactly the same age. There were times I was completely at a loss to know what to do. At 5 he was too heavy for me to manhandle and he also kicked out.

I spent a long time talking to my sister about what to do but really there’s very limited advice out there. We agreed to take the ‘gentle parenting’ approach so I simply waited until the worst was over. This is really difficult in public although everyone was sympathetic rather than judging. It would often take 40-60 minutes before he calmed down.

What we found helpful was to talk to him about the tantrum when he was able to join in a conversation-often not until the next day. Asking him how he felt, not blaming but seeing it as a joint issue. Talking about what would help him. We bought books about emotions and talked about what the choices were if he was angry, tired, frustrated. We made sure to tell him what was happening each day, so he felt more in control.

To be honest, it has been mostly the passage of time that’s helped most. He’ll be 6 shortly and is hugely improved. He’s always liked nursery and is soon going to school.

I really sympathise with your reaction, it’s so tough when a child acts up and their parent is already anxious and stressed. I think you know that your response isn’t good so please do what you can about this. Make up your mind never to hit her and don’t shout at her. A tantrumming child isn’t being naughty - they’re genuinely unable to control their response. Sorry if that sounds preachy and I know how tough it is.

It does get better so shouldn’t last too much longer.

My daughters always did As I said for things like this because I was brutally honest with them.
for example if she walks on a wall and refuses to get off you grab her and get her off then you say “I got you off because if you fell you’d smash your head in, your skull would be in pieces and your blood and brains would be everywhere “

this is how I taught my girls not to run across roads. When I see parents shouting at their kids but not telling them the brutal truth as to why they need to behave it annoys me.

Are you on any twins parenting groups on FB or anything? Just wondered if other parents could help.

What is the relationship like between the twins? Do you feel that they may have fallen into “ good” and “ naughty” roles?
Must be so hard parenting twins on your own.

Is her behaviour the same in school? You could try “ planned ignoring “ in case some of her behaviour is for attention and really praising her for little things she does that you like.
Sounds like she gets really frustrated and angry. Is there somewhere she can go at home to chill out and relax? She needs to know that it’s OK to be angry but not ok to hurt Mummy.

Maybe think about the language you use with her e.g. if she climbs up on a wall instead of shouting “ get down now “ you could try something like “ I bet you can’t get down before I count to five”
I know this isn’t easy in the moment. Can you reach out to other Mums , family or friends to give you a break sometimes?

Single parent to twins -wow, not easy!

I would echo the advice above about talking about the behaviour when calm/happy. My girls both loved roleplay too although they grew out of that around 5/6. so not sure if that would work for you, but it was so interesting. especially then they would play the role of the parent and me the wilful child.

But in the moment it’s really hard!!

This too will pass…….