Follow up on my ex leaving our toddler alone

[Sillytum]

I posted a while ago about my ex m leaving our then 3 year old alone. (https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4774126-leaving-3-year-old-alone?page=3&reply=125053127) 

We have since started mediation (recommended by nspcc). While it’s been ok for some things, it is limited (they have to stay neutral and can’t advise - fair enough). My ex's response in mediation to the safety issues was generally defensive / angry. I was hoping for some reassurance or acknowledgement that things a haven’t been good enough and have to change but that didn’t come. So I feel a bit lost. I've tried to find courses on safety / awareness but can’t find (most parenting courses are about emotional well being etc.)

To give some background, my partner - who is a loving, caring parent - is seriously lacking in safety awareness egs - leaving her alone to pop out to shop, scooter / bike with no helmet, giving our then 2 year old whole grapes, walking up stairs while not holding our daughter or checking her and downstairs with daughter in front. Just a few weeks ago, he bought her new shoes, didn’t tie the laces properly and she fell and banged her head and had to go to hospital.

I’ve spoken with nspcc, social services and now mediation. They all say the same - these issues are not great but enough to take a child off someone (which I don’t want to do anyway). But something needs to be done. Mediation hasnt been the answer and I now feel a bit stuck now and worried.

Any ideas of what to do or how to make someone more responsible and more safety aware.

Does your ex have any additional needs? ADHD, ASD? If you sat down would he know what the safety rules were but then not carry them out day to day? I’m just wondering about executive function difficulties.
Doesn’t help your situation or ensure your child’s safety.

I don’t know how you are going to be able to relax or trust him but sounds like you are keen to make it work.
The only thing I can think is visuals e.g. a note on the front door saying STOP don’t leave without ( name) a baby gate on the stairs with a reminder to carry or go first.
General food rules in kitchen e.g.cut grapes
Don’t send her in laces. Can he fasten laces?

Reminders on Alexa?
Don’t know if any of this would help?

Apart from the leaving her alone to go to the shop, id say you're being far too anxious about the other things.
There isnt a law that says children have to wear helmets on bikes or scooters, and it’s very common. He could have fastened the laces but they came undone - there aren’t many children’s shoes that have laces these days. A 2 year old eating uncut grapes - again, there isnt a law against it. Walking up and down stairs - can’t see the problem.

Additional needs doesn’t excuse nor make people stupid. I’m getting really bored of this being pulled out on every thread like this. I have hideous adhd and a 6 year old and manage to not put her life at risk incredibly easily. He’s just an idiot!

If he’s not willing to keep your child safe is there any way of organising supervised contact at least until they’re older? Will his parents help?

I can't see that mediation will be any help if he is unwilling/unable to face up to his problem. He is unable to predict consequences which most of us do automatically. So he isn't risk assessing with your DD, which again most people do unconsciously.
He needs something like occupational therapy, the kind people receive after a brain injury to relearn everyday decision making because he doesn't have that innate skill.
I wouldn't be able to trust him if he wouldn't do something to fix this. Has he spoken to his GP about this?

@Ostryga No offence meant and of course people with ASD and ADHD are not stupid
Our daughter was on the spectrum and highly intelligent.

I’m confused, is this the ex partner or current partner or both?

also who pops out to the shops and leaves a 2 year old alone WTAF

Exactly my thoughts and I don't feel I'm a very lax mother.

Fair enough. I’m not sure myself so your feedback helps. In context there are a lot of things - I just mentioned a couple. My daughter has a facial scar from being spun off an office chair, she has a graze on her cheek which never fully healed as it wasn’t cleaned after she fell, broken tooth, she has a new bruise every other week (i don’t just mean skint knees). I don’t think letting a clumsy (she fell so much we thought she had a balance problem) 2 year old walk down outside concrete stairs in front of you, where if she fell you’d have zero chance of catching her, is responsible. So maybe I am over reacting I don’t know but in context, with the leaving her alone (and thinking it was so good he texted me to say how great she was) it all adds up to concern.