Navigating newborn phase as first time parents

[augustRainday]

Hi everyone! Just hoping to get some advice about how to improve relationship with DH since arrival of our baby last month.
We had a really great relationship throughout pregnancy but I think a combination of sleep deprivation and suddenly being in close proximity with one another all the time unfortunately caused us to become poor communicators. We've also started to brew resentment towards one another and have been really snappy about small things. With all the sleeplessness we've not really had time for each other.

DH works from home mainly, I am on maternity leave. DD is EBF (nurses) so I do all the nights.

We've tried the following arrangements:

• DH gets up with me at night time on days off: changes nappy, hands baby to me for feeding and takes baby back for burps etc, settles baby.

DH cannot function at all with little sleep; this led to him being completely out of it the next day. He also doesn't always hear baby cry (heavy sleeper/doesn't have the hyperacusis I've developed). I end up being awake anyway so we've abandoned this.

• DH takes shifts (from 7pm after work to midnight, and from 7am to 10am so I can have a bit of a lie in).

Baby is still young and needs feeding every 2 to 3 hours. She's also got some reflux and a bit colicky so sometimes during his shift, I am up too. Sometimes DH is exhausted from work and falls asleep on the couch (despite having had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep the night before). But this is what we are trying to do now and I think it's working out a wee bit better.

DH really doesn't like to cook or clean so he takes out the trash/does the gardening/car and general household maintenance etc. I cook and clean. I had a very busy job prior to maternity leave and our house was a mess. DH used to cook some dinners when I was pregnant but I think there's perhaps expectation I would manage all that now that I am on maternity leave. Upon reflection, I think this is probably the source of most strain in our relationship. I think solution to this may have to be hire a cleaner.

The point of this isn't to blame DH I think we are both trying our best. He's stepped up to being a father incredibly well. I am just looking for some advice or similar experiences to navigate this.

My in laws normally live far away and are visiting (they'll be living nearby for a good month). DH was brought up in quite a traditional household - his mum would do all the housework and cleaning. They are quite keen to help with DD and offered to take her away for some hours so we can get some sleep which is a lovely offer, but I feel incredibly uneasy having never been away from her and I want to continue nursing her until 6 months at least (AIBU?). I recognise this whole trip could potentially be another source of conflict so any advice on that would be amazing too.

Sorry it's a bit of a waffly sleep deprived post!

DH really doesn't like to cook or clean so he takes out the trash/does the gardening/car and general household maintenance etc. I cook and clean.
These things aren’t even close to equal are they?

Add up all the time you spend cleaning, sorting shopping lists and cooking.
Add up all the time he spends taking the bins out, doing the gardening & car.

If your solution is getting a cleaner be aware you’ll still be cleaning, and he won’t, the rest of the week.

He just sounds like a lazy arse who can’t be bothered tbh.

im sorry but that’s life with a child. I was up breastfeeding Ds every 1-2 hrs for a year, and was back working from home from 6 weeks. Dh worked full time and we tagged teamed who had to work late, who had baby etc… my son is 3 years. I still very very rarely get 7hrs sleep. It’s not great, I’m always tired, but it’s life. I would love to just fall asleep on the sofa after work, but very few people who work, clean, cook and have a young child have that option. My dh cleans, cools and has Ds in between his work also

He doesn't like those things? What a shame, just as well women absolutely love cooking and cleaning!

He needs a rocket fired up his arse. I didn't want DH to help overnight as I found it pointless both being awake, but then he took baby very early in the morning so I could go back to sleep, and also whenever he wasn't working if I needed to sleep. He also did plenty of cleaning, cooking. Do you know why? Because he's an adult man who is responsible for the household the same as I am.

DH cannot function at all with little sleep
And what if you said the same, would the baby just starve?
DH really doesn't like to cook or clean
Who does like cleaning?!

Hire a cleaner. He does all the cooking from now on. I couldn’t care less if he doesn’t really like it. I’m sure you don’t like being sleep deprived any more than he does but someone has to feed and settle the baby. You’re doing that so he can cook a simple meal.

The ILs offer is nice but doesn’t sound particularly practical with a breastfed baby and regardless of whether you take them up on it, it doesn’t make a difference to the daily grind so I would consider that completely separately to everything else.

Absolutely hire a cleaner twice a week.

get some nice meals from COOK

dont let PIL take baby as a favour to you if you want want to be apart from baby, tell them the helpful thing they can do is cook and clean!!

*Don’t want to be apart

The most useful thing we did was to get up with the baby on alternate nights, so neither of us was more than one night tired, and when you'd been up a lot on a difficult night, you knew that you had an uninterrupted night to look forward to.

DS was formula fed so I don't know quite how you'd sort this for your EBF baby, could you express so DH could bottle-feed, or perhaps mix feed? At the very, very least you stay in bed on your night off and DH do all of the fetching and carrying with the baby, so you're not getting up at all.

Neither me or my husband enjoys cleaning or housework. Should neither of us do it?

Tell your husband to pull his weight. If he wants seven hours uninterrupted sleep (who doesn't?) then he can pull his weight more in the daytime hours. Isn't it recognised now that women actually need more sleep than men? If he can't function on poor sleep then neither can you.

I nurse(d) both my babies at night and I agree with you that it's a bit pointless to wake your partner up if you're awake anyway unless they can help in a meaningful way. But if I'm sleep deprived then you can be damn sure that it will be my partner who will take the brunt of the cooking and cleaning and whatever else in those early months!

I think to counter the expectation that you should do everything because you're on maternity leave is to look at how much "free time" you both have and strive to both have an equal amount of free time. Hard at the beginning, i know.

I read somewhere that the time spent exclusively breastfeeding your child for the first year adds up to almost a full time job.

As someone else said, I'm sure you'll be spending many more hours cooking and cleaning as that it something that happens multiple times a day as opposed to garden / house maintenance etc.

If he doesn't like doing it, tough shit really. I'm sure you don't like having to be wake up every 1-2 hours but you just get on with it.

And if he thinks he gets a free pass because he's the only one contributing financially you may want to think of what would happen if you weren't there. He would need to pay a childminder and a cleaner. By doing this work you are contributing financially.

Of course YANBU to want to nurse for at least 6 months -- NHS recommends 1 year, and WHO recommends 2 years! Of course YANBU to stop at 6 months either. But definitely don't doubt your right to say "no thanks, MIL, she doesn't need a bottle, she gets what she needs from me".

DH needs a rocket up him on the cooking and cleaning.

Actually, if they're around for a month I'd tell your MIL that the most helpful thing she can do is teach your DH to cook and clean.

DH really doesn't like to cook or clean so he takes out the trash/does the gardening/car and general household maintenance etc. I cook and clean.
These things aren’t even close to equal are they?

This

He just sounds like a lazy arse who can’t be bothered tbh

And this.

He’s having a full night sleep, still napping after work and not doing a damn thing apart from taking some bins out once a week. But let’s not blame the poor lamb now.

I’m so sick of women making excuses for these fucking shitehouse men too.

I recorded breastfeeding time a few days at 1 month old. It was average 7hrs per day I was feeding baby in 24hrs. That’s basically a full time job alone. Plus all the other baby stuff, it’s more ‘work hours’ than he is doing.

We're on baby number 2 now. H is shit at waking up in the night and doesn't hear the baby at all. He always does ask how it was over night. I've had to grudgingly accept this.

I do all night waking and feeding (mixed feeding) the gorceries, some cooking and cleaning may be 2, 3 days at a push during the week. He works full time with a commute into London (about 40 mins each way) He does all the school runs, the clubs, the parties, cooks and cleans including laundry, the gardening, all life admin, does the bottles and will take take baby after I breastfeed at 10pm and settle so I can get at least 2-3 hrs solid sleep. And, on the weekends I get 3 hrs each day to do as I please whether it's sleep, get my beauty treatments done, shopping, flake in front of the TV. Etc. That's my headspace time. He has Tuesday and Friday nights to himself.

There's no way I can physically do more than what I'm doing on the amount of sleep I'm getting. We've had to divide the chores up like we have otherwise nothing would get done and we'd be living in a midden. He's always exhausted as well apparently, and I kinda get it. He never has has to do the amount he's doing now plus working.

I highly recommend that you both look at what needs doing and divide it up. Otherwise, resentment will build and I've seen it kill several long term relationships. It nearly finished us off when we had dc1. Communication is always difficult get a white board or notepad somewhere where you can leave each other notes. We've been known to email and text eachother info as it comes up and it needs to be shared...ie, MOT booked, parties, DIY thats needs doing, plus general life etc

I absolutely agree with the general sentiment that he needs to step up.

That said, sometimes you do need to play to strengths though. My DH functions really poorly on no sleep and it just wasn't a goer with work, whereas I'm genuinely lower sleep need. He took on burdens elsewhere so the general effect was equality. I agree with the sentiment about considering looking at leftover "free" time and sharing that.

Get a cleaner. Even a few hours fortnightly helps you feel on top of things and make maintenance feel more possible.

Absolutely get a cleaner in if you can afford to. Our budget was strained when we hired a cleaner but it was cheaper than therapy and really made a significant difference to our wellbeing.

For the meals, can you come up with a menu of acceptable quick meals? I'm generally a cook from scratch kind of person because that's how I was raised. When I realised it was ok to eat freezer crap occasionally it was a revelation. I can put some frozen things on a baking tray and come back 30 minutes later to a meal with minimal washing up. It's not the most delicious meal I can cook but the lack of effort is worth it. We also make a huge batch of bolognese that takes 10 minutes to prep and bubbles away for a few hours. It makes 10 portions though we could do more. We freeze portions flat in freezer bags so they defrost quickly. We put it on a low heat then start boiling the kettle. Fresh pasta cooks in 2 or 3 minutes and the bolognese is hot by the time we've boiled water and cooked pasta (15 minutes max start to finish, usually 10). We make big batches of Thai curry paste to freeze too. We cook it off, add coconut milk and a big bag of stir fry veg to fill it out and can have it done with rice in about 15 minutes.

The way we reasoned it was this: looking after a baby is equal to a full time job. If you were working, you'd be paying someone a full time wage to look after the child, making it full-time work.

Therefore, 9-5 when dh was at work, I was also "working" and my only job was looking after baby. It was equally if not more exhausting than working a paid job. Outside of 9-5 EVERYTHING was split equally.

I hate when people say "x doesn't do well without sleep". No one does well without sleep. That's just not how humans are designed. I also EBF so every time I was up, DH was up too. Keeping me company or changing nappy or helping clean up after inevitable spit up or burping. This way, we were equally sleep deprived and did not resent each other.

All household chores are split. You're his equal partner, not his maid.

Sorry to be blunt but the only way for new mothers to survive when they're struggling through this stage is with proper support.
Demand it. You've just gone through 9 months of pregnancy, birth and you're now breastfeeding and he's the one that's tired and needs his sleep? And doesn't really like cleaning? Nope, sorry. Man up.

Also, I went by the rule that I could only have one out to these three things: happy and clean baby, happy and clean house or happy and clean parents. Obviously most days I chose the first one. On a really really good day I managed two of them. I never managed all 3. Accepting that only one of those things can comfortably be achieved with a newborn can really take the pressure off. Don't forget to congratulate yourself for making it through each and every single day.