Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Did you used to be a shouty parent but found a way to stop?

20 replies

Muminthewest · 19/07/2023 22:36

I cannot help but be driven to shout at my children sometimes. It’s a huge thing that I wish I could change.
Does anyone not shout at their kids? It feels impossible to me. But I really wish I didn’t.
I’d love to hear from anyone who used to be shouty but worked out a way to stop.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
fivetriangulartrees · 19/07/2023 22:39

I'm the same. Following with keen interest.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 19/07/2023 22:44

Yes - my kids got older. That's literally it. I was a real shouter until they were about 6 because they did so many extraordinarily annoying things! I know this sounds flippant; I don't mean it to. I cannot remember the last time I shouted. My kids are now 19,17 and 9.

None of them remember me as being a particularly shouty parent either, which is a huge win, as some weeks I shouted a lot.

justaweenamechange · 19/07/2023 22:50

I think it's ok to shout sometimes, kids are annoying 😀

But, I did find that I was reacting really strongly to certain things my toddlers were doing and it didn't feel healthy. I got some counselling to figure out what was 'triggering' me (sorry I hate that term but there's nothing better) and I found that incredibly helpful. It changed the way I parent.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Creepybookworm · 19/07/2023 22:52

They got older and less chaotic. That and HRT 😄

AbsoIutelyLovely · 19/07/2023 22:54

I just decided I was being shit.
I tried to channel my mum who although impatient and impulsive was always warm and kind with us

they also got older. I was a crap mum I think for a couple of years. And my husband is lovely - I tried to be more like him.

Muminthewest · 20/07/2023 09:30

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 19/07/2023 22:44

Yes - my kids got older. That's literally it. I was a real shouter until they were about 6 because they did so many extraordinarily annoying things! I know this sounds flippant; I don't mean it to. I cannot remember the last time I shouted. My kids are now 19,17 and 9.

None of them remember me as being a particularly shouty parent either, which is a huge win, as some weeks I shouted a lot.

Good to know they don’t remember you being a shouter. Hopefully that will be the same for me.

OP posts:
Muminthewest · 20/07/2023 09:31

Creepybookworm · 19/07/2023 22:52

They got older and less chaotic. That and HRT 😄

😆

OP posts:
Muminthewest · 20/07/2023 09:31

❤️

OP posts:
Muminthewest · 20/07/2023 09:34

justaweenamechange · 19/07/2023 22:50

I think it's ok to shout sometimes, kids are annoying 😀

But, I did find that I was reacting really strongly to certain things my toddlers were doing and it didn't feel healthy. I got some counselling to figure out what was 'triggering' me (sorry I hate that term but there's nothing better) and I found that incredibly helpful. It changed the way I parent.

I think this is where I’m at - being triggered.
Did counselling get to the root of it for you and you felt a release so it all calmed down? Or did you get to the bottom of your triggers and you were also given some advice/guidance on how to stop?

OP posts:
justaweenamechange · 20/07/2023 09:40

Muminthewest · 20/07/2023 09:34

I think this is where I’m at - being triggered.
Did counselling get to the root of it for you and you felt a release so it all calmed down? Or did you get to the bottom of your triggers and you were also given some advice/guidance on how to stop?

Both! I'm still having weekly counselling and that alone just releases the pressure valve.

But yes it definitely helped me identify what it was 'triggering' me and why. also gave me tools to cope when I feel that way.

It actually didn't take long for me to feel a big change in how I was reacting.

justaweenamechange · 20/07/2023 09:41

Spoiler alert: it was some issues from my old childhood 😂

ReeseWitherfork · 20/07/2023 09:44

I have three small children and get very shouty when I’m particularly tired and haven’t had had a break from them. I can usually keep it under control by having some regular and meaningful time to myself. Especially when I’m on my period!

Eileen101 · 20/07/2023 09:47

Yes,
Stopped taking the pill
Went on antidepressants
Identified that 2 kids loud and shouting is my trigger.

I'm much calmer and happier with them and can nip the shouting in the bud faster. 5 year old also has more realisation that he is at school volume than home volume.

justaweenamechange · 20/07/2023 10:30

I have also aways hated loud or sudden noises, really rattles my bones. I think general overstimulation is definitely a contributing factor!

Toothiepegg · 20/07/2023 10:32

Creepybookworm · 19/07/2023 22:52

They got older and less chaotic. That and HRT 😄

And gin

Sequinsandfrills · 20/07/2023 11:12

I grew up with a shouty mum. If she had a grievance with me from anything minuscule to major, her default was to shout about it. I remember the resentment, embarrassment and distress I felt by being shouted at.

Think about it logically. If shouting actually worked, you would only need to do it once and then nothing for ever?! So in short, shouting doesn't work. It may work well on rare occasion but only if it's so unusual it would be something to really take notice of.

Shouting only really works for the shouter, because they are stressed (probably about unrelated things) and shouting makes themselves feel better. They are letting out tension and stress at the expense of the recipient. Kids are an easy target for shouters.

I'd start with pausing for breaths between sentences when you find yourself starting to shout. Or keep it short. One or two shouted sentences might come out, but there's no need to carry it on into a tirade. It can be reigned in.

Another one (harder to do an not a long term solution, but effective for training every now and again) is forcing yourself to whisper your annoyance. It's really difficult but you will realise how much energy it takes to shout and how much of a conversation you will shout.

Sometimes, it's helpful to recognise that you can't deal rationally (ie without shouting) with a situation, and (depending on how old the DCs are and what the situation is) it's best return to the subject when you have calmed down after a few minutes/later on.

Kids won't always remember the content of the shouting (unless it's combined with unpleasant personal put-downs, in which case they will likely remember most of that) but they will remember the shouting and volume and anger in general. We as adults know that we are "only" raising our voices and are otherwise in control of ourselves, but kids don't necessarily know this. They don't know what other lack of control might follow. Shouters can look very frightening to a kid.

However a PP has said that her kids don't remember her as a shouter (which is really good). I think if the habit is broken, then the shouting times become faded, perhaps to the point of forgotten, but if the shouting isn't curtailed (and exchanged for healthier communication habits) at some time during the childhood then it will still be memorable into adulthood.

Ostryga · 20/07/2023 11:48

It’s ok to shout. The biggest thing is once you’ve all calmed down is to apologise.

The biggest thing I took from my childhood was that my parents never admitted when they were wrong (still don’t!) so I made a massive effort to whenever I lose my rag with Dd to apologise to her afterwards and explain that big feelings are ok, but it’s not ok to sulk/make the other person feel bad for ages and ages/keep making it a thing.

So no nastiness for the sake of it. Your only human and children can be exceedingly annoying! Just own it and talk to them afterwards in age appropriate speak.

YRGAM · 20/07/2023 11:52

Find the triggers and work on how to stop them triggering you - for some parents it's noise, for some it's physical contact (child hitting, for example, even if it's accidentally), for some it's fear of judgement, for some it's being reminded of incidents from their own childhood, and so on.

Also, it's good to recognise that this should be an absolute and immediate priority to change. Despite some 'aww Hun it's OK' posts on Mumsnet (not in this thread though) it's really not good at all to shout at your children and there aren't many excuses for doing it unless it's to save them from immediate danger

YRGAM · 20/07/2023 11:53

Great post from @Sequinsandfrills

PearlRuby · 20/07/2023 12:00

Yes. My mum died when my children were toddlers and I had a moment of reflecting on my childhood and desperately not wanting my kids to feel the same about their childhoods as I did mine. So I stopped shouting. Read “how to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen” which helped enormously. I also stopped drinking those couple of glasses of wine of an evening which also made me much less irritable. My kids are almost teens now and our house is a calm one.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page