Devastated that DD thinks I don't like her

[AmIclutchingpearls]

Hi ladies, I am hoping some of you have some words of wisdom for me because I am absolutely devastated at the moment and don't know how to handle this.

Seemingly out of nowhere (but obviously been building) my 5 year old daughter broke down and said she feels like I don't like her. I had complimented her on the outfit she had chosen to wear, she said it's because I buy her nice clothes. I said that's because I love you and she burst into tears saying she feels like I don't like her because sometimes I shout at her. She was so upset and it really broke my heart

For context, she can be quite highly strung at times and just an absolute bundle of energy so I do regularly have to remind her about things like stopping at the end of the path to check for cars, not picking up rubbish in the street and things like that then often after repeating myself a few times I sometimes do have to raise my voice to keep her from danger but I am very sure I 'shout' less than most other parents I know.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Aw I'm sorry, I'm sure she knows really! Could you incorporate more everyday praise into your conversations, and be specific? E.g.

"I loved spending time with you doing X this morning, I had so much fun"
"I admire you trying to do X at the playground, you were brave and you didn't give up"
"You were so kind today when you did X, I really like that about you" etc

Can you spend time 1:1 with her, doing something she really enjoys?

(I took DS to see monster trucks last week, not something I have the remotest interest in myself, but he was in heaven).

You could also make an effort to praise her explicitly - do you tell her how kind she is being, how beautifully she has drawn something, what lovely hair she has, how proud you were of how polite/brave/fast she is?

I think some kids are just really sensitive and need a lot of reassurance and love even if they don't always seem to. My DD can be very sensitive and I tell her all the time how beautiful she is inside and out, and clever and funny and all the rest of it. I'm really really trying to build her self esteem up as much as I can. I think kids can perceive correction and telling off as more devastating than we realise at times.

Gently, OP, kids do say stuff like this but it doesn’t mean they believe it deep down. You’re taking it to heart, though - so do you think that you’re actually a bit sensitive too, like she is?

If my DC have ever said stuff like this - and they have! - I’ve reassured them I love them so much and that sometimes that means shouting to keep them safe (stopping at roads, etc). And then we discuss how can we avoid the shouting, when I think you might run in the road - what do you suggest DD? See what she says.

Honestly, she knows you love her. If she’s right at the end of reception year everyone’s tired - kids and teachers! - and small things get blown up. It’s almost certainly not you.

Do you have any other children? If so, I wonder if she's feeling she isn't getting as much attention for some reason.

I think it’s fine to verbally chastise/nag/remind or whatever but only you know how much that is balanced with telling her positive things about herself. If all she hears is negatives then she probably wouldn’t think you like her.

My kids do my head in sometimes and they know about it when they do but they also know that I think they’re the best things since sliced bread, I love being with them and am really proud of them.

Get her a diary and each evening before bed write something in it that you like about her or you are proud that she did well that day. Encourage her to do the same about herself.
This is science backed, it trains us to look for those positives during the day. Also what a lovely thought for her just before bed knowing that her mummy noticed her efforts and her good qualities - they will flourish if you water them like this xx

Another tip is to 'externalise' so you could say 'oops I saw some rudeness/messiness' rather than 'YOU're being rude/messy' etc

Do you tell her you love her every single day? Without fail, at least once?

Could someone at school be saying they don’t like her or something and maybe she’s projecting?

It could be any of the things PP's have suggested but my DD has always taken the tiniest 'telling off', criticism or slightly raised voice/sharp tone completely to heart and she has now (at age 14) been diagnosed with autism. It's a pretty huge leap to say that's what's going on with your DD but it doesn't hurt to be aware, you could google rejection sensitivity and autism if you want more info.

When my eldest was younger she was very sensitive and took any negative tone to mean I didn't like her, or I was cross with her, whether I was stressed, irritated or correcting her. If I was not upbeat it meant I didn't like her. I learned to talk a lot about my feelings and label them to her so she could interpret them correctly. I also learned to apologize or explain if I acted out of frustration or panic and my tone was not appropriate. Like "right now I'm frustrated with this situation it has nothing to with you I'm sorry". Or " I shouted at you because I was worried you were going to cross the road and a car was there, I didn't mean to scare you, it's because I love you" She needed to be taught that it was ok if I was tired, grumpy, irritated etc, I still loved her the same.

Ahhh my DD had a little phase of this, every time she got in trouble (not necessarily shouting, just any disapproval) it would be “you don’t like me, you like daddy more than me”. I’ve always told her I love her plenty and talked about the good things about her and encouraged her to do the same, but what I started adding in was a reassurance that “even if I’m cross and even if I shout, I always always love you and there’s nothing you could ever do that would make me not love you”. It seems to have helped and she’ll sometimes repeat it back when we’re having a cuddle after I’ve told her off

You are way overthinking this OP. Maybe she's very sensitive, maybe you need to reign it in on the criticism a bit, maybe she was having a bad day. To be 'devestated' by such a relatively common place occurrence is totally disproportionate. Parenting is a long road and.you cannot allow how you parent to be determined by your children's emotional reactions to things. They will in moments hate you, feel you hate them, think you are the worst, so unfair etc but that's all very normal and just so that you have boundaries that they butt up against.