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Original poster

How can I parent with a partner who can't regulate their emotions - help!

20 replies

Jojohammy · 19/07/2023 09:46

We have a 3 year old and a 10 month old. It is becoming increasingly obvious that my husband has 0 ability to regulate his emotions.

I'm still on mat leave so doing most of the parenting and often find I'm solo parenting the 2. It can be HARD but I strive to gentle parent and control my emotions. I might lose my temper after a long day but always regret shouting etc.

My husband is so quick to anger and even name calling, it's ridiculous. He will be watching them for only an hour and he'll have lost it! He's a grown man but sometimes I feel like emotionally he's a teenager in this house.

An example was my 'long lie' this morning. I woke up to hearing my toddler moaning and hassling my husband. I thought oh no. Then within 5 minutes it had escalated to my husband saying get out of my sight, I don't want to see you, I'm done with this, stop crying! I jump down stairs to intervene, angry at my husband and pick up my toddler who is obviously now crying. My husband is still saying he's an idiot, he's bullying his brother etc. He has a shower, I ask if he's calmed down and if we can talk. 'No' is shouted, he slams his door and starts work. (He works from home full time).

Ugly morning and I just feel so defeated trying to parent like this. I know his parents are trash and obviously haven't equipped him with the ability to emotionally regulate.

HOW can I deal with this and help him to learn?

When I calmly said we need to talk about it, he said I would just be talking at him again...

OP posts:
duvetday9 · 19/07/2023 09:57

You cant. If he cant see it is wrong, you cant.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 19/07/2023 09:59

Will he speak to a therapist? His behaviour is abusive. I’m so sorry OP.

NewDogOwner · 19/07/2023 10:00

You can't. You have to protect your child from the emotional damage caused by growing up in a house with an abusive, frightening father.

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Pufflebow · 19/07/2023 10:03

I don’t think you can
its one thing if he gets overwhelmed and loses his temper and then calms down and feels remorse and recognises he should do better
better still would be that he makes a plan for how to cope when he’s getting overwhelmed, figures out his triggers and decides ahead of time how he will plan to cope with these, but obviously he doesn’t.

at the very very least if he thought he was right to get annoyed but not right to name call. But he’s not even gotten that far.

I don’t think you can entirely blame his parents for this one, he’s old enough to know better.
does he call you names too? Or people at work when he gets angry?
if he does he doesn’t seem very nice
if he doesn’t, then you know he know he does know how to control it but doesn’t bother for your children

MustardCress · 19/07/2023 10:04

That’s horrible. I agree that you can’t. If he doesn’t see there is a problem then he won’t change. Even if he wants to change it will be challenging and especially amongst the usual stress of having young children.

Your children need protecting from him otherwise they will be damaged too Flowers

NoSquirrels · 19/07/2023 10:05

Would he agree to a parenting course? Then it’s not you telling him he’s wrong.

P1ckledonionz · 19/07/2023 10:25

Why don't you ask him what he intends to do about it?

Original poster
Jojohammy · 19/07/2023 10:25

Yeah I do. It hasn't happened enough for my toddler to have internalised it. He's definitely not frightened yet, he's more indignant when he cries in response. But who knows if I wasn't there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jojohammy · 19/07/2023 10:27

Yeah he doesn't with anyone else. Crying and moaning babies and toddlers have been his only trigger that I've seen...

OP posts:
Fleamaker123 · 19/07/2023 10:45

This is very difficult for you. He sounds very emotionally immature, and to try and change that is going to take a massive realisation and a lot of effort from him.
But a word of warning, if he continues this behaviour, despite your best efforts, in time your children will mimic him. They will name call, shout and be unable to control their emotions too, and you'll have a battle on your hands.
I agree with a previous poster, he needs help, I hope he will agree to this with you.
I feel for you x

nasanas · 19/07/2023 11:10

HOW can I deal with this and help him to learn?

How do you deal with it? Leave him. He isn't your problem to sort. He doesn't need help to learn. He fucking knows. Such a common pattern of abuse. It will only escalate.

londonloves · 19/07/2023 14:55

My mother said things like this to me for my whole childhood and it really affected me. If he can't see it and won't get help, please leave for the sake of your kids.

AutieNOT0tie · 19/07/2023 15:36

If he genuinely wants to change this he needs therapy. He needs to accept your policing of his behaviour and he needs to do a parenting course. Solihull is very good.

If he's not willing then it would be in your child's best interests to split.

CupEmpty · 19/07/2023 15:43

So speaking as someone who has been where you are - they can change if they want. My husband isn’t perfect (neither am I) but he is miles better than he was a year ago. My children and pretty much exactly the same ages as yours.

he was a pretty awful father to be frank, but he has now realised he needs to be more responsible for his own emotions. The thing I think made him realise was he was expecting our toddler to be able to control her emotions but he couldn’t. I said those words to him.

GingerIsBest · 19/07/2023 15:51

Does he find it bizarre that a three year old won't do what he's told, firs time? And then use bellittling language?

Honestly, I don't know the answer but this is not okay. DH could be a bit like this when DS was younger but it was only very occasionally AND while he was in it he would refuse to listen or back down but he always always accepted he was in the wrong and apologised afterwards.

He did it maybe once or twice a year for a few years and even that was enough for me to consider leaving him due to my concern regarding the damage he might do to my children. Doing it CONSTANTLY, and never recognising how poor that behaviour is .... that's very very bad.

MayBe6 · 19/07/2023 16:03

I would be questioning why I’m with him if I were you. It is not ok to frighten a little toddler like that, ever. And it’s not your responsibility to change him/help him learn. He is an adult now and part of that is identifying your weaknesses and trying to be a better person. Sounds like he doesn’t care anyway and would rather you all change to suit him. Poor kids are probably scared of him too which is not what they deserve. I’m sorry but I’d be off.

AndyMcFlurry · 19/07/2023 16:13

Jojohammy · 19/07/2023 10:27

Yeah he doesn't with anyone else. Crying and moaning babies and toddlers have been his only trigger that I've seen...

Three options

  1. Crying children are a particular trigger for him. He will recognise that his behaviour is unacceptable and go and get professional help.
  2. Crying children are a trigger but he believes that parenting is not his job so you need to do it all yourself . He will continue to abuse your children until you stop asking him to do any parenting he doesn’t like.
  3. Crying children are not a trigger , he is acting like this on purpose so that you stop asking him to do any parenting ( unless it’s something he wants to do ). He will escalate this behaviour until you do so.

if it’s 2 or 3 then you will spent your life trying to make your children be quiet and behave at all times so that their father doesn’t abuse them ( or you ).

You need to leave him. Yes he will threaten that he wants to have the children half the time or even all the time. They all say that - to punish us for leaving as well as to avoid paying child maintenance .

But the reality is that if he can’t do an hour on his own with them now he won’t do every other weekend. As soon as he has a new Gf he will dump his kids.

Im not saying this to be mean, just to prepare you. Sorry, I know you wanted to hear how you can fix him and make him into a good father.

Original poster
Jojohammy · 19/07/2023 17:19

AndyMcFlurry · 19/07/2023 16:13

Three options

  1. Crying children are a particular trigger for him. He will recognise that his behaviour is unacceptable and go and get professional help.
  2. Crying children are a trigger but he believes that parenting is not his job so you need to do it all yourself . He will continue to abuse your children until you stop asking him to do any parenting he doesn’t like.
  3. Crying children are not a trigger , he is acting like this on purpose so that you stop asking him to do any parenting ( unless it’s something he wants to do ). He will escalate this behaviour until you do so.

if it’s 2 or 3 then you will spent your life trying to make your children be quiet and behave at all times so that their father doesn’t abuse them ( or you ).

You need to leave him. Yes he will threaten that he wants to have the children half the time or even all the time. They all say that - to punish us for leaving as well as to avoid paying child maintenance .

But the reality is that if he can’t do an hour on his own with them now he won’t do every other weekend. As soon as he has a new Gf he will dump his kids.

Im not saying this to be mean, just to prepare you. Sorry, I know you wanted to hear how you can fix him and make him into a good father.

Show quote history

I hear you and it's a good point regarding the motive potentially being not wanting to help with difficult parenting. There might be an element of that. I have never and would never encourage my children to pander to him, I am a good advocate for them and always defend them. I'm just thinking, me responding in anger to my husband isn't working, and I don't know how to get through to him that he needs to change. I like to think a seperation would be amicable and he'd always be there for his children, maybe nieve...

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 19/07/2023 17:59

CupEmpty · 19/07/2023 15:43

So speaking as someone who has been where you are - they can change if they want. My husband isn’t perfect (neither am I) but he is miles better than he was a year ago. My children and pretty much exactly the same ages as yours.

he was a pretty awful father to be frank, but he has now realised he needs to be more responsible for his own emotions. The thing I think made him realise was he was expecting our toddler to be able to control her emotions but he couldn’t. I said those words to him.

This is wise counsel. If he’s willing to listen he’s capable of learning. And ‘expecting our toddler to be able to control her emotions but he couldn’t’ is spot on.

nasanas · 21/07/2023 07:48

I hear you and it's a good point regarding the motive potentially being not wanting to help with difficult parenting. There might be an element of that. I have never and would never encourage my children to pander to him, I am a good advocate for them and always defend them.

You should never have to defend them and advocate for them against their own father Sad

This is so damaging for them

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