Stress and guilt over breastfeeding

[teddytoo95]

Hi, this is a long one so please bare with me but I'm at such a loss with what to do. I'm going to try and give an idea of what we've gone through since day 1.

Baby is nearly 5 weeks now. When she was first born she latched fairly well at first and for the first 2 days was feeding lots. By day 4 we were concerned as she was very jaundice and sleepy. Jaundice levels were checked and were borderline.

On day 5 she would barely wake up, no interest in feeding, hardly any wet nappies and very concentrated urine paired with 11.3% weight loss. We were sent back to hospital and told to pump after she had fed and then feed her that to top her up. I was barely getting 30ml per pumping session so that wasn't really working. Infant feeding team then came to see us and said she had a severe tongue tie so that was then cut on day 7.

For 2 days after that, her feeding was amazing and her latch was great and I really felt like she was emptying the breast and my milk was increasing. Then it all went downhill again, we really persevered and kept going feeding lots, breast compressions etc. Infant feeding team said stop pumping and just feed feed feed. Day 16 and she's at a 12.3% weight loss, sat with midwife for 2 hours trying to get her to latch and she would latch and fall straight asleep or just scream until she fell asleep even though the latch looked good.

The midwife sent us back to the hospital and they said my option was to feed her and then pump and then formula top up 8-10 times per day. I absolutely broke down and the loveliest midwife told me I didn't have to carry on, I have a nearly 5 year old and I absolutely don't have the time to pump that often alongside feeding too and all of the other things such as cleaning the house, school runs and playdates for my other child.

Fast forward to today, we are FF however I still pump 4-5x per day but usually only manage to get 3oz (across all the feeds so not even enough to give her 1 bottle of breastmilk)
We had another appointment today and her tongue tie has rejoined, so in a way it explains why we still couldn't get on with breastfeeding. She asked if I still want to try and breastfeed and I said I would love too, but again she said the only way to up my supply is pumping 8-10 times per day and feeding her too. I just can't commit to it and I'm so so sad about it 😔

Tongue tie is being cut Thursday. So my question is, is there absolutely anyway I could go back to breastfeeding without the excessive pumping? (She hasn't BF for 2.5 weeks) or am I just dreaming and need to accept our journey is over 😔 thank you if you made it this far!

I would seek guidance from a local breastfeeding group, the infant feeding team or a lactation consultant on this. But I just wanted to say that I totally understand your decision RE pumping as it’s a huge undertaking, is essentially feeding twice as you’ve to pump and then feed, and I have seen multiple friends’ mental health suffer when they chose this option.
You have given baby your milk, all the fantastic colostrum and thrown a great effort into it when there have been numerous barriers. Congratulations on your baby and well done! Please choose the option that allows you to enjoy your little one.

Could you try breastfeeding and topping up with formula and skip out the pumping?

Sounds like once the tongue tie is sorted it should be ok? And over time she'll build up your supply again?

You're not getting much from the pumping (I never did either) and as PP said pumping on top of breastfeeding and formula may break you, esp. as you have your DC1 to care for.

Either way do be kind to yourself - you are not a failure if it doesn't work out.

@Whatisityoucantface thank you so much that's so kind. Sorry I should have said it was the infant feeding team I have seen today and she just focused so much on the pumping, which I completely get and if I only had the one child I would.
I do feel like her first 2 weeks of life were filled with stress around BF. I think I know in my heart that FF is the way it will go, but it's so hard for me to finally let go of all hope. X

@andjustlikewhat see this I could absolutely do, and would be happy to do, but from what they said my supply isn't going to get better without the pumping. Its so hard to know what to do for the best! X

Could you try breastfeeding and topping up with formula and skip out the pumping?

This was my thought as well. I had quite similar bf issues with both of mine - jaundice, weight loss. I loathed pumping and it didn't really work anyway. So I bf and topped up for over a year with each of mine. I didn't ever get enough supply to drop the top ups though, possibly because I didn't pump? I don't know.

So I think if your LO is latching then it should be possible to do some bf, but perhaps not exclusively bf? It doesn't have to be one or the other though, plenty of people combi feed. But as pp said, be kind to yourself and don't be a martyr.

@teddytoo95 I combo fed from the start and I think that's why at 5/6 weeks we went to full FF as my supply just wasn't high enough. I was only pumping maybe once a day so would agree this is unlikely to help your supply x

It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time!

Breastfeeding doesn’t need to be all or nothing. You’d probably need to pump to get to ebf but lots of people combi feed. If you’ve still got milk and she’ll latch then you can feed her before bottles and if she’s still fussy after a bottle (eg if she’s tired) you can latch her again to help her sleep.

Honestly OP, BF just doesn't always work and you don't need to feel bad or guilty about that. The most important thing is that your baby is being fed and is happy, whether it be BF or FF.

I would plod on doing both FF and BF - with or without the expressing.
The stress of it all doesn't help your supply imv so if you can just do both and see how it goes, but if the breast milk dries up then that's that. But I would keep going a bit longer. The housework will still be there in a month's time. Just do the vital stuff.