should I ask school to move DS to another class

[zmaj]

DS has been bf with another boy since reception, in September they are moving to y3.
My son is a bit obsessed with this other boy, and when I see them playing outside of school, it's an odd relationship - my son is always trying to entertain the other boy who is very different from him. it just doesn't look like a balanced friendship. Whereas DS is social, a bit silly and quite sporty, the other boy is ok, but is quite different to my son - doesn't like any sports, doesn't have many friends (a bit arrogant), and is academically doing worse then my son. Likely to become introverted and into computer games (his father is). At class they put them to sit together, even though we asked them not to (and for a while they didn't). DS is happy with that and obviously finds some comfort in having his bf there, but we have found out that he often helps the other boy with lessons.
So, I am worried about this

• that even though DS is a very social boy/gets along well with others, the other kids will stop playing with him identifying him as one of the pair
• that he doesn't get anything positive from this friendship - academically or socially
• that it will impact his self-confidence as he is always trying to please the other boy
• that it may be too late if we don't act now (or maybe it already is)

on the other hand, don't want to make transition into y3 worse for him, as he is quite a happy boy. or create a bigger issue by separating them artificially.

We have been on the verge of asking the school to separate them a few times now, but it the end thought it will resolve itself once the boys realise they don't have much in common. this hasn't happened yet.

they have now put them again together in y3 class and I wonder if I should ask that they move my son to one of the other classes in the same year.

please help with your advice or thoughts, what would you do?
(I need it very quick before the term is finished)

thank you!

My DS is similar, quite keen on one friend and feel it is hindering him making other friends and the friendship is very one sided too.

We spoke to the school about it and they agreed to sit the boys separately and it does seem to have helped a bit, if this could be an option?

It sounds like your DS is happy and doing well academically so I don't know if moving class would benefit him. Plus they need to learn to navigate friendships and if he moves class he may struggle to make new friends. Could you plan some playdates with other children in his class

I would certainly discuss with his teacher but be prepared for them not to change. They k ow the. Children and the dynamics within the groups

Thank you Honeybeesintrees.

We will ask to sit them separately for sure.

He does have many playdates with other kids outside school, although mostly not from his class - perhaps you are right that we should organise some playdates with other kids from his class. trouble is - not many boys in his class, although he does play equally well with girls too.

So far he always prioritises his friendship with bf whenever that boy is around, above the friendships with other kids, no idea why.
Has a much healthier/better play dynamic with almost any other kid.

the teacher doesn't see the problem hence they moved them together to y3 (for comfort during changes, etc)...they think it's ok but I wonder if it's because it helps them too (the boys are happy in their own world). They get a new teacher in y3...

You say your DS doesn't get anything out of the friendship, and perhaps from your adult perspective he doesn't get out of it what YOU think he should be getting out of it, but your DS clearly likes this boy and wants to be his friend.

Lots of friendships have friends who are different from each other, bit it can still work.

It feels a little like you think being sporty and sociable are more desirable traits than being introverted and playing video games, and that you care more that he's popular?

My only concern would be that your DS tries to impress the other boy - my DD has a friend like that (who my DD is constantly trying to impress for some reason) and that part I do understand.

You could ask for them to be separated, but you need to make sure it wouldn't actually upset your son.

It sounds like you don't want your popular bright sporty DS to be mates with a quiet, nerdy, thick gamer.

At least own your prejudice, don't dress it up as your DS not getting anything out of it.

Hopefully the teacher will tell you to do one.

Thanks Whichclubisittonight.

I think it may upset him a bit (and that has stopped me from asking so far) but I wonder if it would still be preferable than him being bullied or teased by other kids later on, for his intense/one sided relationship.
they would still be at the same school/breaktimes.

you are right that he must get something from the friendship....I do think that life will be easier for him if he stays social and continues being into sports - I think it helps with making friendships later in life, especially for boys/men (he is an only child, not much family around).
if DS changes by himself that's fine, but he is so easily influenced...

maybe I worry about nothing.

Face the fact that throughout their lives, especially as adults, your kids will make friends with people you don't like or consider suitable. School is only the start of that uphill stony road; just wait for sex :-)

The best preparation you can give them, is to let them make social mistakes, learn from it; and move on. Nobody is perfect (including our children) but as they learn to recognise and tolerate other peoples imperfections, they will learn to accept and live with their own. And that's what real self esteem is built on.

Equally, among school mates they will learn to recognise boundary lines, which is just as important in adult relationships.

btw - I don't mind them being friends, I ocassionally organise playdates with him/his parents - they are ok.. my own DH is a bit nerdy and into computers so I'm not against it. I would just prefer if it was a bit less obsessive/more balanced and wonder if other parents would intervene or let it happen.