75% of the time you’ll ever get to spend with your kids is over by the time they turn 12

[Muminthewest]

I’ve just come across this quote, which I’ve never seen before, and being in the thick of things with young children, it’s actually blown my mind a bit…
“75% of the time you’ll ever get to spend with your kids is over by the time they turn 12.
90% of your time with them is gone by the time they’re 18”

Parents with older children - is this true? If so, how do you adjust?
And most importantly, what’s the best advice you’d give to someone who suddenly feels they only have a few short years of quality time left?

What about all the time spent doing things together as adults?

Time with children seems to naturally evolve, I only see my 25yo son a few times a month but my 22yo daughter still lives with me so I see her daily. So long as there is no false influence that makes you spend more/less time it just feels part of a natural process.

That sounds about right in the OP, we don't see adult DS very often as he doesn't live locally, we speak on the phone about every couple of weeks to catch up but it's fine.

What about when you’re old and decrepit and your children become your carers?

I think it's a vastly oversimplification
Yes early years are intense and full on and if you're good at it and lucky in terms of health etc then as they mature your kids seek independence. So minute by minute yes you probably spend less time as they get older but it's different. The time I spend with my late teens is lovely and in my opinion much more enjoyable than the baby years (all be it I get others love that early time). So I guess my advice is don't read too much into memes just enjoy the different stages as they come.

But I think that’s the point. You might see them once every few weeks for a few hours. A lot of people see their parents less than that. During covid I didn’t see my parents at all for 2 years. Once your children no longer live with you, the vast majority of the time you’ll ever have together is gone

If it helps I see my mum at least twice a week, she comes on holiday with me, we have days out, dinners out etc. I still see her loads! I don't think 18 is the end!!

I don't think that's a bad thing though? I mean right now dh and I read dd endless Mr Men books at bedtime before she goes to sleep. That alone is an hour an evening. Plus bathing her, feeding her etc etc.

When she's 18 I won't be doing all that, no way (thank god)! Maybe I'll have an hour long chat with her per week, or something. But it'll be more of an interesting chat probably. I imagine I'll get more out of that than reading at her endlessly until I'm so tired I'm muddling the words.

So absolute time spent in minutes/hours doesn't equal the quality of time spent.

Sounds about right. You enjoy them as babies, children and teenagers and then many of them are off, never to return permanently. Time spent with adult DC is wonderful but they need to lead their own lives and spread their wings.

Ehh I don't think it's universally true, its like the stupid thing about putting your kids down one day and never picking them up again, I made a point to go and pick the buggers up they were pretty confused/worried for my mental health haha.

During Covid we were lucky ones that weren't in tier 4 at Christmas, nor was he so we did see DS Christmas 2020 after not seeing him all year but unfortunately after only seeing DS once in 2021 we couldn't see him Christmas 2021 because he got Covid

That feels like something people invent to sound deep.

It sounds sad at first but it's really more of a function of just how much time you spend together as small children rather than a sign they just disappear at 12/18.

I love my son but it won't be sad when we don't experience his every poo together.

It might be true but I don't think it means that much when you consider the quality vs quantity of that time spent.
I feel like good conversations and smaller amounts of good quality time spent with an older teen or adult child can be better and more enjoyable and memorable for both of us than the endless hours of helping a grumpy 7 year old through maths homework or watching them play in the park for collectively months of your lives.
So like you still get to share good moments their whole lives but as adults you don't have to share all the extra stuff like time spent working, commuting, grocery shopping, hoovering, ironing etc.
I am perfectly happy for my children to grow up and spend less of that time with me because the 10% of time we have is the good quality time that we enjoy and remember.

I don't think this is stupid. I don't know when the last time I picked them up was, the last time they wrapped their legs around mine and snuggled into my neck, and actually, right now it makes me want to weep.

Op it does change and you want it too, seeing children grow up and live as adults is a privilege that not all parents get. But my God the time is short. Take photos and enjoy what you can. We all waste time and take things for granted it is part of life.

Isn’t this obvious? Of course children are with their parents more When they are younger and less as they get older and move into adulthood. Relationships change and develop. I think the key is finding the joy in the relationship at whatever stage it is at (feel hypocritical saying that having had literally the worst day with mine yesterday….but …..that’s the aim).

Your children should never become your carers!

This attitude is why we are so deeply fucked as a society, look to the state to solve everything, nobody has obligations or responsibility for anyone else. Seen it so many times, just chuck your child out, go no contact with everyone, if someone is not bringing you joy every minute they are worthless. This is not how humans thrived and survived, no wonder mental health problems and loneliness is so prevalent.

You spend less time with them but it’s more time enjoying their company rather than parenting.

How do you even record that. Dd is 15 and the time we’re together is lovely. Less than when she was 3 because she dressed herself and doesn’t need help wiping her bum… these are good things. Now I get to mostly do the fun stuff.

Yes to what @hellywelly3 said.

It certainly isnt true in this climate! No one can afford to leave home, mine are still here saving up madly in their twenties, as are ALL my friend's kids. I still see them almost every day, eat meals with them, go on outings and holidays with them, watch films with them, go shopping with them, etc

I completely agree, @hellywelly3. DD (18) is off to university in a few weeks (we’re in the US and they start earlier). Most of the time I spend with her now is fun, not parenting. I’ll miss her, but it’s fine, she’s ready to live her own life now.

That was my job, to get her ready to launch into the world!

These replies are all great. Thank you. Lots of wise and reassuring comments 💗 This is my first Mumsnet post and has given me such a boost.

I think my concern comes from feeling that I suddenly have less time to enrich my children’s childhoods, to get over my own anxiety to truly ‘be’ with them. Particularly with my 8 year old daughter. I feel I’m not the mother she needs yet, not strong enough for her or connected enough with her. And although the 75% quote probably isn’t based on science, it’s made me realise - God, the clock is ticking for me to do the best I can and teach her what I can. These are the formative years. The strong memories she’ll carry in her life.

I suffer with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and also get so stressed and frustrated at times. I’m waiting for myself to get on top of this so I’m not a constant cross, shouty mum. But I kind of feel like - ok, now is the time. Get over this and focus on your children because they could suffer from a mum who doesn’t give them a calm, secure and happier foundation.

Can anyone else relate?