Please tell me how to embrace motherhood when I want to escape it

[BelleSauvage9]

Please someone tell me how. Tips, things to tell myself, anything that will help.

When I had dd (11) I was a single parent and I loved being a mum to her. I enjoyed playing with her, teaching her etc. I just threw myself into it, embraced it completely and I was really happy.

Dd2 is 17 months and can be a challenge. Tantrums have begun so she's at a tough age. Ds is 6 weeks old and very unsettled (suspected cmpa and reflux), wants to breastfeed all the time, feeds to sleep and wakes within minutes of being put down. It's full on. He wasn't planned - i obviously adore him but just saying this so it's clear I didn't intend to put myself in the situation of 2 small children to care for and be a decent mother to!

I love my children but I'm very overwhelmed by tending to their constant needs. I have almost no time for myself (I'm not even talking about chill time, I mean time to shower, do housework, make a cup of tea) and it's really hard.

I want to embrace this stage in my life. I want to enjoy playing with dd2, cuddling Ds, talking to dd1. I want to enjoy being their mum. I want to have my shit together and do the best job I can and atm I just feel this terrible desire to escape them all :( because their needs are so constant I feel like I'm constantly trying to get them into a position where I can go away and do something for myself and it means I'm rarely able to enjoy moments with them which is just horrible.

Is there some magic way to make myself embrace it? Dp is very hands on but is back to work tomorrow so it's going to be even harder and I don't want to feel like this every day.. I desperately want to enjoy these ages and stages, I know they don't last long and I'll miss it terribly when it's passed...

What would you tell a beloved sister or friend if she'd written what you've written?

How's about being a bit more realistic and instead of thinking how to embrace it, think more like 'if I just get my head down for a year the worst of this will pass' ? Sounds like you are feeling guilty for not enjoying this period? Well, from what you decribe I would not enjoy it at all, it is relentless hard work. I'm certain you are doing a brilliant job but maybe it'd actually ease the strain if you just said to yourself and others 'this is really hard, I'm not enjoying it much, but I know it's not for ever. The fun will start when then youngest is out of nappies.'

I had a 19 month gap - also not planned. It is so so so so so hard and I remember posting when I was where you are.

DS is 1 now and DD nearly 3. The last year nearly broke me but I turned to DH earlier and said this weekend has been the best weekend since he was born. It really does get better. I promise. I’m not a baby person tbh but they play, they watch TV, DD makes DS laugh. It really does get so much better.

I think I felt like this didn’t help at the time but a few tips -

1. Please, don’t put pressure on yourself. Tomorrow, just do it hour by hour, then naptime by naptime. you’ll do it.
2. subscribe to ‘everyone fed, no one dead’!
3. tv can be educational! Number blocks and alpha blocks made me feel like I wasn’t neglecting the eldest…
4. it won’t be like this forever and you are 100% ok to cry when you want, stress when you want.

You’ll be posting on here in a year telling people they can get through it, because I was where you are and you’ll be me in a year. Lots of love.

Agree with PP, a good exercise to take a step back and see it from an outsiders perspective.

From what you've written I'd say you're doing a great job and you seem like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. It's easy to say it than do it but honestly, housework can wait. Just do the bare minimum to get by and DP needs to help with it too.

Also, rather than thinking 'I should be doing this' etc just try to accept the situation as it is.

In terms of time for yourself, if DP is hands on (and I know its hard with high needs babies), he can take the children to the other end of the home for 30mins/1hr in the evening so you can shower/have some breathing space. Give yourself permission to do that. Your youngest may fuss but if he's fed he will be OK for a short while.

As you know, this too shall pass.

Sorry for not thanking people for responses yet! I did read them the day I posted but haven't had the time or mental energy to reply before now.

Thank you all so much for your replies, they were really reassuring ❤️ @ShadowPuppets nice to imagine having your perspective in a years time! And I've said to myself multiple times 'everyone fed, no one dead' the last few days 😂

Maybe I do just need to accept it will be this way for a while.. I just really want to enjoy it as much as I enjoyed it with my first. But the situation is different, and there was just one of her! I think it's trickier as well because we're all on top of each other (5 people in a 2 bed flat, 4 of us in one room) and I can't get Ds settled well as there's too much noise and stuff going on! And dd2 keeps waking him up

Fortunately the last few days have gone okay so I at least know from experience that I can handle it, and not every day will be really terribly hard 👍

I think I speak for everyone on the thread when I say you don’t need to apologise for late or lack of reply, you’ve got your hands full!

Honestly 2 under 2 is a mission and there’s a reason why only the very mad among us do it 😂 I do promise though in a year you’ll be on here reassuring a similarly daft woman that it doesn’t last forever!

Sounds like you have a tricky set up too, when DS was born we were in a 2 bed as well and that was tough enough without adding a preteen to the mix too! I don’t know about you but one thing I hated was the unpredictability of it - some days the toddler would settle and the baby would be chilled and feed and not scream, and I didn’t feel like I could enjoy it because I was just waiting for the moment it would inevitably go to pot and all 3 of us would be crying when DH got home 🙈

Youre in the trenches at the moment, I don’t know if that’s helpful or depressing! But if there’s a silver lining I do know that on this exact day last year we were in that 40 degree heatwave and I was in this tiny hot house - blinds drawn, toddler had CBeebies from the second she woke until she went to bed because I had a 8w cluster feeder who wasn’t gaining weight and it was HELL. And I do actually think it’s made me a better parent - when life is going to shit I do think to myself ‘is it as bad as that day?’ and the answer is always no and then I don’t spiral 😁

It’s hard when ‘the plan’ didn’t happen and you’re in a situation which wouldn’t have been your first choice. But your babies are going to be your little pals before you know it (like I bet your 11yo is when she’s not embracing pre teen? Can’t speak with any authority on that age!) and they’ll be so close with such a small gap. And you will have showers, hot cups of tea and a quiet tidy house again before you know it!

Sorry - bit of an essay, just really feel where you are given where I was last year! Feel free to message if you ever fancy a winge 😂.

All very wise advice. Also, I am finding it hard to embrace the baby life in the same way I did with my firstborn because firstly there are two of them now and secondly because I feel like I've been stuck in baby land for years now! I find that social media (and I'm possibly alone in this but probably not) makes me feel I have to embrace and love being a mum all the time. That's impossible! So instead I try to recognise one part of the day where yep, I loved being a Mum. And sometimes it's weird things. Today my kids watched too much tv and I did too much scrolling on my phone because I was in a funk. But there was a lovely 20 minutes where my eldest was singing along to her Toniebox, playing with kinetic sand and making my youngest laugh at her dancing in her chair getting sand everywhere... I was unloading the dishwasher and doing the kitchen and joining in with the singing. And I thought yep, I love this! There's nearly always a good moment in the day

I don’t know how you can genuinely embrace something that’s so hard!!! It sounds like it is really really full on. I have one ds and not having anymore because I find one hard enough!! So give yourself a break. Get all the help you can and I’d just focus on making my life as efficient as possible for the next 2 years. No pressure to love every minute of it!!!