DS awful behaviour at dad's. It's my fault

[mupu]

DS4 spends 1-2 nights a week at his dad's, when it's just one night the other is spent with his parents (DS grandparents).

When he is there he "kicks off" according to ExDP. Hits, kicks, shouts, screams, refuses to go to bed until very late.

He is not like this when with me or my parents - at all. I can't remember the last time he hit or kicked me, definitely in over a year.

Of course he has tantrums when he's over tired or upset etc. but they are rare and never that extreme.

It comes across that ExDP and his parents feel I am to blame for his bad behaviour with them.

Does anyone have any idea why he could be behaving like this when with them? Or what I can do to tackle it?

I always enforce consequences when his dad drops him off and tells me how he has been.

I'm at a loss tbh.

"Ex, tha k you for letting me know how our child behaves when he is with you. His behaviour at home with me is completely different. My I suggest X/Y/Z parenting books for tips and tricks on effective behaviour management? It may also be worth considering his diet and sleep when he is with you, I find a structured bedtime and minimal sugar helps keep him in a lovely mood overall"

No way is it your problem.

Thank you so much.

I've been in a similar situation, and I wouldn't be putting in sanctions when he's back with you. I agree with the previous poster.

Don't enforce consequences. Listen to him, let him talk about his feelings, find ways for him to express himself. List of emotions, pictures of emotions, let him draw, punch cushions.. whatever he needs.

How to talk so your kids will listen...book for you and for his Dad.

If he can communicate with you, maybe ask him what it is that he doesn't like about going to bed.. maybe he can bring something from home.

If he can talk about it, would you be able to sit down with all three of you at handover and see what changes can be made to help him and then have a debrief together.. no blame.. just giving him space to talk about how he felt, how it went and what he can improve next time.

Reflect his words and his feelings.

If this doesn't work, maybe reach out to the health visiting team as a family to see if they can help.

If your ex and his parents do not engage, support or continue to blame you, just step away and reiterate that he is not like this with you.

Sounds to me like the poor kid is unsettled and uncomfortable at his dad's house or with his grandparents, and he's playing up because of that. Definitely not your fault, OP!

It's not your problem to tackle.

It's his father's responsibility to make your DS feel safe and loved with him and then, within this context, set age-appropriate boundaries for behaviour.

I think Bernadettes response is good. What a bellend to try and blame you for behaviour when you aren’t there, don’t experience it at home but he still thinks it can’t be his own bad parenting

He sounds unsettled and uncomfortable with them. You can't manage his behaviour when you're not there and I wouldn't be punishing him. I'd be reassuring him. He's obviously finding the different homes and different routines difficult.

It could also be that the behaviour is no different at all and it's just their tolerance level/perception of the events. Either way it's very much their time and their problem ti resolve, they need to find out why your DC is unhappy and how to address any behaviour issues.

DS has just returned home and I have tried to talk to him.

He says it's his feelings, not him and that he things there's something wrong with his feelings. He says he enjoys going there and doesn't know why he misbehaves.