Friendships at school am I overthinking this?

[Spectrum2001]

firstly I warn you this is long! So I apologise for that.

My dd (6) is just finishing yr 1, she has always been outgoing, confident, easily makes friends wherever she goes.
In reception she developed close friendships with a group of 4-5 girls, all of whom seemed really nice. She was invited to tea/play dates but I have never reciprocated as my house was either undergoing building work or is an absolute mess and I would rather die of embarrassment than let anyone in. I did explain (the building work) to the other parents about being unable to have friends round.

This last school year (yr1) I have felt like my dd has become less confident in her school friendships, will spend time with the older yr5-6’s or just play alone.
She was the only one left out of a party that one of her supposed close friends had, even though this made her sad she still insisted on using her pocket money to buy the girl a birthday present.
On the rare occasion that I’ve seen her interact with her friends at school, she does appear to be the odd one out or one the others are not so bothered about playing with. This is a stark contrast to the popular little girl she was in reception, where even one of the other parents commented on how they thought she was a celebrity as her name was shouted so much to go and play or say hi.

Its been since ‘party gate’ that I’ve had my suspicions about things having changed, and I admit that it’s really bothered me.
I'm worried that I’ve done some terrible parenting and she’s a horrible brat at school, or the fact that I can’t have her friends over on play dates is affecting things. Or maybe she is being bullied?
I have asked her teacher how she is at school, he says there’s no problems, that she’s a kind, friendly and popular girl who is always polite.
So am I overthinking this? Should I worry? Or is this just general playground life??

wine and cheeseboard to those who reached the end!!

I would speak to the treacherous and see what they say. If you can’t offer a play date at home can you offer to take the group to the park?

Is the building work finished? Sounds like you need to make more effort with social activities outside school, be it at home or park/soft play etc. Are you friendly with other mums?

If you have never had a friend home for her in two years, the other girls’ parents have probably become closer. Could you invite a friend and her mum out for pizza/the park/cinema etc, if you can’t face having anyone to the house?

First, I’d say friendships do change a lot at around that age. The free and easy nature of Reception recedes and people make and break friendships quite quickly (esp girls I’m sorry to say).

Second, PPs are right about what effort you’re putting in. Their friendships do need to be scaffolded by you all you need to think about play dates etc.

The building work is not finished, unfortunately we were conned out of our money, by a cowboy builder. It’s half finished/badly done and we’ve nothing left to fix and finish it. There’s also the problem of my OH, he leaves his stuff literally everywhere ( he is an antique/jewellery dealer). There’s boxes of things piled in the hall, the kitchen table is filled with stuff. It’s unsightly and completely not how I want things. Despite me explaining how awful it is and it’s preventing the kids having friends over, he doesn’t care and says that “people can take us as they find us”! He would scarper if we had anyone over, I’m always left to deal with any responsibility.
sorry I’ve digressed there.
I am friendly with the other mums, but the majority of the class are more hi and bye, or know each other from nursery’s.

from the replies it seems that it is a lot to do with me not returning the favour of tea/play dates. I suppose I hoped it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

I think that it's play dates. And also do you chat at the school gates? It's terrible voy of you work full time but it helps. You can take them to the park in the summer? Or in your back garden? I'd clear a space and just give them a nice tea. They will love it.

Thanks for the replies, looks like it is me to blame. I do chat to the other mums, but they’re all 9-5, or part time or don’t work. I work shifts, often on nights and with fitting in after school activities plus all of the other house/work/parent responsibilities I’m honestly fucked!
I’m going to make a concerted effort this summer to make the house acceptable to invite people in, and in the meantime I can do the ‘outside’ play dates suggested (I have done them a couple of times before actually and it was fine)
She’s my first and I really hadn’t realised how something, insignificant to me, would have a big effect on her friendships and o needed other’s opinions. X

Seconding "outdoor playdates". It gives you a chance to get to know the parents and gives the children fun times together that they then reference in the playground.

We usually avoid having too many playdates at home for my eldest, because her younger brothers inevitably get a bit underfoor and can spoil games.

Some ideas for outdoors:

• plan a walk. My DH takes most of DDs class for a "scavenger hunt" that includes a picnic. It's a bit of a faff to plan the clues, but it's incredibly popular!

• paddling pool is always a winner. Snacks and drinks on the side. Water pistols come out after everyone has eaten. Best to keep numbers small for this one for safety otherwise you have to watch like a hawk

• teddy bear's picnic in the woods. Everyone brings a toy. DH gets there before you (plan a good 30-45 min walk through woods) and sets up blankets and picnic.

• national trust. Lots of them have cafes/playgrounds so can be good for a whole day.

• not outdoors, but soft play is tolerable if you can bear it in the heat....

Lots of parents desperately need inspiration for how to keep their little darlings occupied in the summer. Be the one that comes up with ideas! Playdates in the house are better for short term time ones anyway.

I just thought I should update this and thank everyone who responded to my post. I did some play dates and it’s really turned things round. The friendships are back on, and things are back to how they were.
So thank you for everyone’s honesty, I do have to admit I find it incredible that things like this have such an affect on school life. I don’t remember anything like this being such a big thing. Times have changed I suppose.
thanks again 👍🏻