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Original poster

Newborn visiting

15 replies

Peanuts1233 · 14/07/2023 17:01

Hi there,

I’m 38 weeks pregnant and really struggling with familial expectations around baby and visiting.

Woke up this morning to a text from MIL asking if I could tell her when baby would be coming as she wishes to take her own mum on a weekend away. I’ve had a low risk pregnancy and felt a bit taken aback at the question. In the end I politely replied that baby would come once they decided! She knows my EDD and is normally fab but this seemed slightly non sensical. Also surely it’s up to her if she wants to gamble a holiday at this time, baby will still be here once they are back!

Then had a message from my sister saying that my mum had asked her to find out if she could visit me on the day of babies birth to meet the little one. This had never even occurred to me, and having not discussed it until now I assumed she would have just waited for a message inviting visitors once we were ready. I have no idea how I will be feeling at the time of birth, and I do know my husband is already feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of lots of visitors when he wants some protected family time.

Problem is that I always prioritise other people over myself. I’ve been crying with guilt about not being able to just say “of course great come as soon as you can” but my gut feeling is the first couple of days I will just want me, baby and husband to whilst we adjust and recover. Am I being selfish and denying her a grandparent milestone?!

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erikbloodaxe · 14/07/2023 17:22

Everyone is different I suppose.

I was thrilled people wanted to come and see my beautiful babies. I was so proud of them and myself.

All 4 grandparents came to the hospital and then visited a couple of hours after I came home. Friends and other family came over the next couple of days. My then H made the tea, put flowers in water etc and I held court.

It was all rather lovely actually.

Nejnej · 14/07/2023 17:39

Not selfish, listen to your gut on this one - you have no idea how you'll feel until baby was here.

I felt pretty good the first day postpartum (went downhill a bit haha) so we let my in laws come and visit in the hospital - it was a good way for us to ensure the visit didn't last too long! We then had 10 days at home just the 3 of us, which was really lovely.

Find your boundaries (and they'll change depending on how things go) and stick to them. People will push them, you're not being selfish

HJFTM · 14/07/2023 17:55

I had a fairly standard labour and did not see my family until DD was 7 days old. When they came, I was exhausted! They’re good visitors too e.g getting their own drinks, tidying up after themselves etc but it still drained me.

You could always say “I’ll message you when I’m ready for a visit” and then you don’t have to dread any planned visits thinking will you/won’t you be up to it. You can leave it until you feel ready and then send that message out.

It’s yours and your partners’ decision and whatever you decide is the right decision :)

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/07/2023 17:58

I think the usual "minimum" is baby's grandparents (if in good relationship) meet the baby first as soon as born/once settled at home. Then siblings whenever you are bedded in at home. Then friends.

RainyJuly23 · 14/07/2023 18:18

When DD was born, I didn't tell anyone I was in labour. I FaceTimed them when I'd been checked over, she'd had a feed and I felt ok. She was about 5 hours old. We came out of hospital that evening, and I was desperate for food so in laws popped round with McDonald's, stayed for 30 mins and then left. I really appreciated it. No one else visited for about 5 days, because I was establishing breastfeeding, trying to work out how to care for a newborn, had various midwives visit and just wanted a little bit of time.
I'm hoping to TTC early next year (not DD's dad, we split years ago) and DP's family seem fairly intrusive so I will be happily sending a polite yet stern message to say I will let people know when we are ready for visitors this is your choice!

Roundandnettledr · 14/07/2023 18:43

Totally fair enough to want your space. I would respond saying you will let people know when you are feeling up to visitors but it’s unlikely that will be the day baby is born x

Spottypineapple · 14/07/2023 19:20

Just tell them not to worry and you'll let them know when they can come and see the baby. Don't give any more detail for them to pick at eg. 'you can't come straight away because...' or 'we want a week to ourselves' or anything else. Also, dont tell them when you're in labour or it sounds like you'll have them at the doorstep unwanted.

Original poster

Peanuts1233 · 14/07/2023 21:12

Thanks everyone, it does seem really individual and hard to predict but I feel a lot better for your reassurances :)

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WeWereInParis · 14/07/2023 21:38

Woke up this morning to a text from MIL asking if I could tell her when baby would be coming as she wishes to take her own mum on a weekend away.

What a weird question from someone who knows your due date, and presumably knows babies can't be predicted 😂

On the visiting, it's up to you. It didn't occur to me to have anyone visit me in hospital with DD1, although I was only in one night and out by midday.
With DD2 covid prevented visitors anyway. Which was actually not good as we had to stay in a few nights (mild jaundice) and I couldn't see DD1. I'd have loved some visitors as I was going stir crazy in the hospital.
I wouldn't go for visitors in the hospital if you have an uncomplicated birth and are likely to be out the next day though.

Visits when home I think it depends what your family are like. We had my in-laws and my parents pretty quickly. But I knew they'd come for a short time (probably with some snacks for me!), hold the baby, and go. I knew they wouldn't outstay their welcome, expect waiting on, or be generally annoying.

If I'd felt there was any chance they'd turn up with a hoard of relatives and stay all day demanding I make them lunch and fetch them drinks like some horror stories you read on here I'd have bolted the door and not let them in for a good few months.

PurBal · 14/07/2023 21:59

Totally up to you. I was in hospital for two nights with both mine. No way anyone was going to see the baby. I know you can have visitors in hospital but it’s bad enough strangers seeing me half dressed and carrying a bag of urine around (I had a catheter in both times so couldn’t wear proper knickers). With my first I also had real problems with tongue tie and my nipples were bleeding and blistered so wearing anything on my top half was uncomfortable, other than the disposable mesh knickers I only wore clothes to hobble to the loo.

Mamabear04 · 15/07/2023 15:17

DC1 - all Grandparents and siblings visited the day after as she was born at 10pm the night before. I like you was worried about feeling overwhelmed but it was good because it got it out the way (and was also lovely to show off our beautiful baby!) And then we had time to ourselves after until we were ready for extended family/friends.

DC2 - had a traumatic birth and only my parents visited 5 days after and then rest of family about 2 weeks after. I needed time to recover and DH made it clear that visits would only be for 30 min and then if I felt up to it could manage longer.

Both turned out good for us. Don't promise anything to anyone. It's perfectly fine to say you are going to wait and see how you feel and you will let them know as things unfold! Don't feel guilty and don't promise anything!

Original poster

Peanuts1233 · 16/07/2023 19:33

Thanks everyone, I’m feeling a lot better and more confident to say “I’ll let you know once we are ready for visitors” and then see 😊

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sunshinehealth1 · 16/07/2023 19:38

I had visitors straight away (they told, they didn't ask- and I was only early 20s and too scared to say no) and nothing lost me more dignity than having my PIL and SIL and her partner see me with leaky bleeding boobs, barely able to walk after a tricky birth, with my greasy hair in a bun on the top of my head. Whilst everyone just picked up my baby and passed him around like a toy.
If I had another baby, I would put my foot down and say NO visitors until I'm ready, could be a day or 2, could be a month. That's up to me. Everyone is different.

morebiscuitslessinequality · 02/03/2024 20:41

my MIL is the most infuriating suffocating person and when my nephew was born she was at the hospital before they’d even stitched my SIL up, they even gave the newborn baby a bottle before my SIL had a chance too…

So when it came to me I’ve never had any hospital visitors, no visitors agreed and no opportunities for unwanted visitors to simply appear at my house when I was not ready.

The guilt of saying no outweighs crying because your not emotionally or physically ready for people to come into your safe place and hold your baby / chat shit only when your tired, in pain and simply not in the mood for anything but your newborn.

MrsTrue · 02/03/2024 21:54

I'm so glad I set boundaries early with both my parents and in laws. This certainly won't be the first time you have to have uncomfortable conversations so I'd recommend you take the opportunity now to make it easier in future.

I used the phrase, "We just don't know how things will go (and what support we'll need), so we'll let you know once baby arrives when it's best."

I didn't say the bit in brackets at the time, and SO wish I had with my inlaws!

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