Should I move my child into a different class?

[Positive91]

Hi all

So here is the context. My little girl is 4 and is in pre school, moving into reception in September.

she has a little friend in her current class, who she is friends with and has been since tiny babies as I am friends with her Mum. They have already been up and down a little just as kids are.

they are very different. My little girl is very sensitive and will not stand up for herself at all, she would tell me before standing up for herself.

the other little girl is.. well, not like that. Has no problem being unkind for no reason saying things such as “I don’t like your hair, I’m Not your friend today, you can’t play with us, I don’t like your tattoos (kids tattoos). I often say “that’s not very kind” if I am there and I hear it (like this morning in the school queue).. but my little girl is coming home from school and telling me other things now and saying it upsets her. This little girl will also say words that we don’t allow in our house such as “you’re stupid, you’re an idiot”.. will talk to my little girl like she is an adult “if you do that you will get in trouble”

I’ve asked my little girl if she wants me to look at moving her classes from next year, and she has said no because she realllllyyy wants to stay with this girl. She puts this girl on a pedestal for some reason and will only say she has played with her each day (and one other girl but that’s only because this girl is friends with her)..
I know you’re probably thinking if it was that bad she would want to move but I feel like my little girl is almost ignorant to how horrible she is to her.. sometimes she notices and other times she just accepts it which is not ok to me!!!

I’ve tried everything, tried to have play dates with other mums and their kids, told her to say stuff back (I know this isn’t maybe the best approach but I need her to defend herself and not be an easy target).. told her to tell the teacher if she is really upset. I’ve also tried speaking to the mum as she is also my friend but she just tells me girls are girls and I think knows deep down that her child is not very kind because she is constantly telling her off and isn’t in control of her at home at all (which she admits).. But I’m worried that she is going to go through school just following this girl around and end up picking up bad habits, bad words. My gut is telling me to move her but she is saying she doesn’t want to and I would feel so guilty.

any advice is much appreciated. Thanks.

Personally I’d distance myself from the mum, it’s only going to get worse and that’s the only way your going to stop so much contact with this kid.

moving classes, you need to wind back perfect first born, or your going to be that parent
School won’t accommodate you, if they did they’d be accommodating every request and have about 25 classes with only a couple of kids in each!

You will usually find that you have no influence over the class.

You could change schools if you can find one with space.

Sadly I’d be surprised if you were allowed to move class. If you think they’ll say yes then yes of course get her moved!

Discuss it with the school. They will have experience of managing friendship dynamics like this, there might also be the option of different groups within the same class etc . The teacher being aware might mean your daughter gets more support with assertiveness and the friend gets more support with kindness and social skills

I would have a quiet word with the teacher as if it is mainly verbal it may go unnoticed in a busy EYFS environment.
Staff can then be aware and may choose to split them during group learning times for example.

It isn’t that easy just to request a class swap as it would involve moving another child.
Your daughter may also make new friends in her new class.

I know this won’t solve your out of school difficulties. Hopefully the other little girl will learn about kind and unkind words in Reception.
She has heard these negative phrases somewhere, probably in the home, and so won’t know that it is not acceptable language.
You can try saying things like “ I don’t like that word” or “You could say…”

I know what you’re saying @Brendabigbaps and I would totally admit if I thought that was the case. I’m not saying my little girl is an angel, I’m sure she has her moments, but genuinely I can’t fault her with her friends. She would never, ever be unkind for no reason. I would bet my life on that. This is not because she is my first born and I think she is perfect, that’s just because she is genuinely kind and sensitive and just doesn’t have it in her to be purposefully unkind. Believe me, I’ve tried to tell her to say stuff back.

anyway thank you for your advice. the Mum is my friend so it is difficult and they will still be in class next year so not sure what distancing myself will achieve? Do you mean so there is not as many play dates over the summer break and then they may not be as pally again in September?

Thank you. This is helpful advice. My friend admits that she hears the words at home. She says she has a short temper and that’s where her daughter gets it from. It’s so awkward as she is my friend.

because they have no started the new term yet, we got asked about their classes and if we were happy with them.. so I imagine it is possible otherwise why would they ask this question. It was a couple of weeks ago though so maybe it’s too late now.

I agree I think it definitely goes unnoticed as I have mentioned it once before and the teacher is lovely but admitted that she doesn’t have ears everywhere and a lot of kids tell her “so and so has done this or that” and she can’t always deal with every tiny tail so has to brush it off. I understand that to be fair.