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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Controlling 13 year old don't know what to do!

2 replies

Mystical1981 · 14/07/2023 12:27

My 13 year girl hasn't been to school for a year due to mental health issues and we believe she has autism currently on witing list to be tested. She does have issue but she has started to become very controlling and I don't know what to do. I am single parent her dad moved 6 hours away and used to see her every weekend but he never helps or wants to help me with anything that's going on. She started refusing to go to school a year ago due to health anxieties and general anxieties around school this put alot of pressure on me with her being home everyday I found I cant work as much coz I couldn't leave her on her own all day. My bills are mounting up, the school are threatening me with fines and court. I try everyday to get her to go in and she refuses we end up arguing all the time. I am on anti depressants. She sits in her bedroom everyday refuses to leave the bedroom has no friends and she is rude to me all the time never does as she is told. I'm at my wits end. Her dad comes back down every other weekend and he stays at his parents to I drop my son and daughter off to him everywhere weekend. The last month she has been refusing to go. She said it's too noisy at his so I brought her a pair of headphones that blocks out noise but that wasn't good enough she still refused to go. The dad says nothing other than maybe next time she will come.

Next week I have a hen party to go to and its the dads weekend to have her she said she isn't going and I will have to cancel my plans. I said to her my plans were made a while ago I made sure it fell on the weekend she was at her dad's so I wouldn't have to worry. I have paid £250 for this weekend and I really want to go. She said well you can't make me go I'm not leaving my bedroom so you will have to cancel your plans I've also got a weekend away in a few weeks time and she has told me I'm going to cancel that aswell!
I do have my mum who will help me out but my mum is very busy and can't always have her.
Last night I said about school today and she said if I go to school I want roblox. I said you can have the roblox once you've done a day at school she said no I want them first otherwise I'm not going. I refused and so today she didn't go to school. I've had enough I feel like killing myself. Today I've told her she's going to have to go and stay with her other nan for the 6 weeks coz I can't cope anymore she said she's not and noone can make her. I said you are going coz I will pack your stuff she said how are you going to get me out of this bedroom! And she's right how do I get her out of the bedroom I can't physically drag her. I said I will getbdad to come and get you she said she still isn't leaving the bedroom.
She is with cahms mental health and is having one on one sessions.
I've tried taking phone away, tv away but she doesn't care

OP posts:
24Dogcuddler · 14/07/2023 17:20

I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment. If she is autistic adolescence is a notoriously difficult time especially for girls.

Are CAMHS doing any family sessions or offering any strategies or advice for home?
Are they focusing on her mental health or exploring diagnosis?

It doesn’t sound like school staff are being helpful threatening you with sanctions rather than supporting you. Has the SENCO been involved? I’d be asking if the LA has provision for school refusers. You could look on the Local Offer. There should be support and advice for parents in your position.

Probably a bit late for this year now but if they could put a plan together for September that would help both of you. They need to be looking at her going in for an hour or so at first maybe for a favoured lesson or member of staff. Would she go in and learn in a quieter area in school?
Does she have any friendship groups or any friends from Primary?

Sounds like it is important for you to get to the Hen Do. Can her dad not look after her in your home?

trulyunruly01 · 14/07/2023 18:03

That's what I was going to suggest. I know it will take a lot to invite him into your home but I'd put a lock on my bedroom door and leave a sleeping bag in the sofa.
Don't engage with your dd about the hen weekend, just ignore all talk of it. Just quietly pack your bag, and walk out as your ex arrives. Let him deal with any fallout.
I know there are a lot of issues to be dealt with but I feel from your post that you could really do with this weekend away and it might leave you stronger to deal with everything else.

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