Struggling with having zero free time

[mummyPhD]

Hi,

I’m just looking for a bit of advice from anyone who has been/is in a similar situation.

I have two DC, 1.5 and 2.5, and have been doing a PhD since going back to work after maternity leave with my youngest. I was assured by my husband (who works in academia) that I would be fine to do the PhD full time even though we only have 20 hours of childcare. The plan was that I would top up any extra time I needed after the kids have gone to bed etc. It’s a humanities PhD so can pretty much all be done from home on my laptop. I talked to me supervisors about this, and they were in agreement too.

The reality has proven to be extremely different! I only end up with about 16 hours to do my work. This is due to having to stop working early to travel to nursery pick ups and also to make sure the house isn’t an absolute hovel!! When they’re at nursery it is pretty much the only time I get on my own, so in that time I have to cram in extra tidying or house admin, washing my hair/personal care, and my work. The kids also wake multiple times each in the night, so I have a very short window to do work after they’ve gone to bed before they wake again.

My husband is a lovely man but has ADHD and just cannot run the house in the same way that I can, he doesn’t see the mess and it takes him so long to achieve any simple task. He cleans the kitchen each night, but there’s always dirty recycling left out, the kitchen floor not swept, living room not hoovered etc. so I end up doing this the next day. He is also out at work 9-6 each day.

The kids aren’t happy to be downstairs with him whilst I work, they scream and cry at the bottom of the stairs for me. They also will not have anything to do with him at bedtime/in the night, they’ll cry until they vomit unless I see to them.

The thing that’s upset me this week is that this has all been building up, and once the kids fell asleep last night I wanted to do some work but my husband complained he never gets any time with me and wanted me to sit in bed with him and watch TV. I almost cried. I feel like I’m being all things to all people and it’s getting too much.

Again this morning he was supposed to be setting off for work but asked if I was up for sex before he went, this was going to make him late but he said it was okay today. I said no because this is my very limited working time and the Asda delivery was due any minute. The delivery then turned up and instead of helping me put everything away (in the time that he said was okay to use for sex) he said he was off to work. What about the fact I’m supposed to be working?! My nursery brings in nearly 2/3rds of what he gets paid, so it’s not an insignificant job.

We also can’t afford extra nursery hours or for me to go part time. I guess I’m asking if I have a work problem, or a husband problem? Is he being unreasonable to try and monopolise any time I have without the kids? Or should I be prioritising my marriage and spend time with him?

I feel so stuck and can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable in being mad/sad about the whole thing.

Your DH needs to pull his weight. Is there anywhere you could go while he does bedtime some of the time? It won't harm your kids to have to get used to him doing it.

I would go part time with the PhD. It doesn't mean you stop working but takes the pressure off.

I would find somewhere to write where you leave the house. Im an academic and it is impossible to work with DC in the house. If you're not there then magically everything actually gets done.

You have an everything problem. You are single handily trying to manage the house, look after admin and finances, raise 2 kids under 3 who still wake a lot, and complete a full time (so 37 hours) PhD off 20 hours of childcare a week? In what world was that ever going to be possible - even with an DH who picks up 50% of domestic life that was still going to be a heck of a stretch. Evening work is great in theory but really bloody hard in practice when you are absolutely knackered. I think it was ridiculous of your DH to suggest it when he knows full well you do all of the evening/overnight parenting. He sounds like a total fantasist to be honest.

If you want to finish your PhD and there is truly nothing left in the budget for more childcare, I think you need to get out both weekend days to the nearest library and leave your DH to find his way with the kids. I presume you have a relatively long time left if you are only 6 months in?

It's so tough. I really feel for you. I took a year off my PhD to have a baby and then returned part time, with no child care, and it was a huge struggle (and thats just with one child). I ended up getting a job alongside the PhD so we could afford full time child care and I wasn't so exhausted come the evenings. I could then utilise them to study. Our relationship really suffered though, particularly in the last year of the PhD.

The things which really helped were firstly sorting out toddlers bedtime so he was asleep by 6.30 and I knew I had until at least midnight before he woke and wanted me. Secondly, my partner took our son away for a weekend or two each month in the last few months of the PhD. They would just go to stay with family but it meant I had two full days of uninterrupted study which was a godsend. (I also found it impossible to get work done whilst my son was at home awake). Also copious amounts of sweets and coffees to get me through the evenings! I appreciate it is different with just one child though.

It is tough and all consuming. But it was temporary and worth it in the end. There is a good Facebook group PhD and Early Career Researcher Parents which is worth joining (if you're not already a member) to see how other people manage.

By any chance are your supervisors male as well, and think it's doable because they have someone who'd be doing all the house and child stuff for them?

You've got two very young, very close in age babies. This is hard at the best of times so give yourself a break! I only have one but the thought of studying after they've gone to bed makes me wince! I just want to chill!

Sorry for my ignorance but do you get paid for doing the phd?

I think you're taking on too much and it would be better when the kids are older and you're less sleep deprived.

Can your husband reduce or compress his hours or wfh more?

Can you put the phd on hold and work a normal job for a year or two.

Could you get a family member or babysitter to come and help?

The kids are only tiny for a short time but you're in the thick of it and should be doing everything possible to keep life simple.

Can your DH fund a cleaner if he's not prepared to muck in properly? And I would definitely address why your DC cry until they make themselves sick when they're in his company and not yours.

You need to go pt on the PhD, OR get divorced and he will have the kids half the time.

I'm only half joking, too.

You have an all round problem.

It wasn't realistic to do a PhD full time with kids.

But also your partner is not pulling his weight.

You guys need to re-negotiate your whole set up.

Can you get a cleaner to free up time? And I think you need to sort out the situation with your kids not wanting to be with their dad - that doesn't seem normal or healthy for a kid to vomit to get their mum's attention. It will be hard but I'd honestly go away for a weekend and let him get on with it.