Please help me get a grip

[DidYeAye22]

My 10 month old baby has gone into nursery 4 days a week as I’ve gone back to work, and I hate it. I miss her so much.

I’ve been tearful most days I’ve had to drop her off and I can’t stop thinking about some research I read about her cortisol levels being raised due to young babies finding the nursery environment stressful.

However I’ve also read that any negative impacts to development are really small and almost gone by age 7, so it’s probably fine, but to be honest I’m just heartbroken in general that my maternity leave is over.

I know I’m being irrational and that loads of babies are in nursery and love it, and she seems totally fine when I leave her. The updates / photos I get she seems happy.

She was born premature with a heart condition really unexpectedly and I didn’t really get the chance to prepare for her arrival, or have a last day at work or anything (I literally didn’t even shut my laptop, my husband did it on the way to the hospital when I got the emergency section!!), so I wonder if it all coming to an end / being back at work is triggering emotions I didn’t really deal with before.

Anyway I’m completely rambling now. I guess I’m after stories of people who felt the same way but it all turned out fine in the end?

It’s perfectly normal to feel the way you’re feeling. She will be ok. It won’t always feel like this.

I went back when mine was 11 months old and I was so sad. I had read the same thing about cortisol levels rising and I was worried I was going to have a stressed, aggressive child.

After about one month he settled in, he now walks in happily, and I am enjoying work.

I really can’t say when the cloud lifted, probably when he started to enjoy it more, but we are in a routine now and everyone is happy. Until I just read your post I had forgotten how convinced I was that I would need to quit my job.

Sounds like you had a traumatic birth. Have you had any counselling since?

Thanks so much for your reply.

Glad it’s not just me feeling this way! Logically I know it will be fine but I get so fixated on something - like the cortisol fact - and I can’t get it out of my mind. So glad everything has worked out for you - I’m sure it will for me too.

My friend said something today which made me feel a bit better - that we’re not supposed to parent alone and that you need your village, even if you have to pay for it!

I haven’t, but part of me worries I won’t be taken seriously since I don’t suffer from PND or have really debilitating mental health issues.

I do ruminate / fixate on specific thoughts a lot though, but they don’t necessarily relate to the birth? Do you think it’s worth perusing?

Thank you! I do know this logically but it just feels so weird right now. Your message is really reassuring.

If it's still effecting you I think it's worth pursuing. I wish I'd sought help after my DD was born to process her birth which I found traumatic. I had an emergency c-section and I wasn't sure if she'd make it, but once she was born she was in perfect health. You've been through a lot more than that. I didn't fixate on the birth, a decade later and I still don't like to think about it. I got post natal anxiety which can involve fixating on things, intrusive thoughts, anger. It effected me a lot more than I realised at the time. It effected my subsequent pregnancies and births.

Yes, paying for the village. I think I spent a lot of time imagining him with strangers, feeling shy, etc. However he really quickly became familiar with the lovely nursery staff and I realised they aren’t strangers! He knows them. And he sees the same other children all the time. Even though they are too young to really play together, they do get excited to see each other, babble at each other, run around together. I think of it as like him having a little group of cousins - a bit like a village I guess.

Slightly off tangent but a lot of the research about kids in daycare with behavioral issues comes from the US and given that they have totally different laws about maternity leave, it's not necessarily accurate for elsewhere. It's the norm for parents to go back to work after 12 months in Scandinavia too because the cost of living and taxes are so high but you don't hear about all their kids being maladjusted.

It's completely normal to feel guilty and sad at first (especially if the birth and maternity leave weren't as you'd hopes) but kids are incredibly resilient and adaptable. My first dd was born just before lockdown so I didn't expect her to settle as quickly as she did because she'd only been cared for her by me and DH, but she loved playing with the other kids.

I do ruminate / fixate on specific thoughts a lot though, but they don’t necessarily relate to the birth? Do you think it’s worth perusing

I do think so yes and any decent Counsellor will take you seriously. You can find ones specialising on Birth Trauma here

Really, I didn’t know that about the research, that’s so interesting! Sort of like all the research on “cry it out” sleep training which was based on Romanian orphanages where the kids were left in awful conditions.

Your message has made me feel so much better. To be honest I already feel significantly better than I did when I initially posted this… I’m sure in a few weeks I’ll be totally fine. My baby has bonded with her key worker and seems to be enjoying herself!

Thank you! I’ll defo look into this

Many moons ago, I went back to work when my DD was 9months old. After few weeks in she settled really well, made lots of little pals, was always all smiles when picking her up etc. Plus I noticed her development come along in leaps and bounds so I knew I'd made the right decision.
Yesterday I threw her surprise 21st birthday ahead of her new job as a project manager for a major defence company - she is ace 😁

Nursery is wonderful, ours really is our village - DDs have very real bonds with some of the staff, and some have become friends of ours too.

Eldest started full-time in the baby room at 9 months, she's now at school with some of the babies from that room. It's been purely positive for us - not least because neither of us had any desire to be a SAHP!