What’s ‘normal’ sibling rivalry?

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I have two DS, almost 11yo and 8.5yo.

Over all they go through periods of getting along and periods of not getting along. All normal I’m sure. I’d say in the past 6mo or so they’ve mostly got on more often than not.

But ….. DS1 constantly nit-picks, puts his brother down, says mean and unkind things, teases, is sarcastic, patronising. It’s more or less constant. Any arguments or fall outs are generally down to him stirring and causing trouble and basically baiting his brother. DS2 often will resort to hitting as a way of dealing with him.

My mum looked after them recently for a few days and even she commented on it. She put it down to “classic older sibling behaviour” but DP and I can’t help worry that it’s more extreme than that.

is my eldest just a bit of an arsehole?? :( What’s normal and what’s not with this kind of thing?

any tactics or parenting tips for dealing with mean big brothers..??

Why do you allow the older one to speak to his brother like shit? Would you be happy with someone treating you like that constantly? Goading you until you snap and turn to violence?

Would you accept that from a sibling or partner? No? Then stop allowing your 8.5 year old to suffer it from his brother.

I agree with the PP, I'd be clamping down on it. At 11 he's old enough to understand the impact of his behaviour and comments. And if he doesn't know now, you should be pointing it out to him clearly.
If you don't act, your youngest will be really affected by this (although it may already be too late).

I'd say not normal

Do you have any insight into why he does this? Any jealousies or issues?

hi, I just didn’t want to write a mammoth post about how I deal with it and how I react and how we’re talking to him, as I’d have been here all night! We speak to him about it constantly. Of course we’re trying to clamp down on it. His behaviour isn’t acceptable.

I was more wondering if anyone had any tips or similar experience as whatever I’m doing clearly isn’t working.

No not normal, sounds like bullying. You need to find out why before you can fix it. Is he jealous?
You do need to watch him like a hawk and intervene quickly.

My 2 are a little bit younger than yours (9 and 7) but exactly the same dynamic. I've seen it lots with other people's kids too, so I reckon it is pretty common. I pull up ds1 on it every single time but he doesn't even realise he's doing it. It is 100% due to ds1's own insecurities. I've been encouraging them to do their own hobbies so they can achieve things separate from their sibling. I've also started having set periods of time - 15 mins or so - when I get ds1 to really focus on the language and tone of voice he is using when he's talking to his brother, so he is more aware. We play board games and practise being happy for other people winning, which has definitely helped. And just constantly reminding DS1 that I love him just as much as his brother and I'm just as proud of his achievements.

On the plus side my dcs are the best of friends most of the time and ds2 regularly has ds1 carrying his schoolbag or tidying his room for him, so I'm not too concerned about there being any bullying between them.

Yes, it is a pretty normal dynamic.
People who think it is shocking, probably aren't intending to be smug, but it is a bit like if you have a good eater - you take credit for it and assume it is because of your parenting...... ditto when you have a good sleeper or someone whose language develops really early etc. We all (?I assume all, maybe most of us?) think that when our dc are great at something it is our parenting, but when they aren't, we will agree it is their personality.

If it helps, by eldest was like this a lot during the 7 - 15 ages, but as adults, they are a thick as thieves, and he will do anything to help his siblings out. They all get on very well and spend time together voluntarily