Stay at home mums

[Honeybeesintrees]

Hi,

Just something that's been bothering me. My best friend and I both went to uni and had fairly good paying jobs, she has married a man who earns a significant salary and has been a stay at home mum since she had her first. She has said she wants to be at home for her children to give them the best start and at times has made digs about leaving your children with strangers which is what I have to do to work and provide.

Recently her daughter and mine were playing and her daughter insisted that Daddy's work and Mummy's look after babies at home. I just thought this was kind of sad and corrected her daughter to explain that Mummy's can work too. This friend feels she is giving her daughter the best start compared to mine and yet her daughter sees that womens role is to be at home. My friend I feel would be disappointed if her daughter said she didn't want to go to uni and look after kids at home yet this is the example she is setting

Neither is better than the other. It’s about doing what works for you and your family’s circumstances.

Your friend is doing what she feels best under her own personal circumstances. Her child is simply observing the roles they see. I'm sure they will grow up to realise women can work too! I can't see anything to find issue with.

Sounds as if she's been out of order judging your choices. How smug to make digs about leaving your children with strangers. (Which most people do!) But you're doing the same to her. Sounds a bit like she's got to you.

In an ideal world I think everyone would value both roles - looking after family and going to work.

I agree that neither role should be tied to a particular gender/parent, so I suppose it's useful to point out to her daughter that it isn't always a mummy looking after babies and daddy working... Though, I 'm assuming she's not yet that close to uni age and with plenty of time to see other role models! Lots of people do the opposite of their parents. I wouldn't worry excessively about the example she's setting being a sahm.

It’s very out of order for her to judge you. Both your choices are valid. But she really should be making sure her child knows both parents can be at home or at work and all options are fine

You both sounds very judgmental.

Why do you think your friend would be disappointed if her daughter became a SAHM?

I'm a SAHM. If my daughter is blessed with children I hope she'll be a SAHM - I won't put her under pressure and will support her whatever she chooses to do of course. But I'm a SAHM because I believe it's best for my children, and I'd want my children to do what's best for their children.

Either way, your friend is rude to repeat those views to you. Holding a view, living by it and expressing those thoughts on an internet forum are one side of the line, and repeatedly making judgemental comments to a friend is quite the other.

Honestly? She'll be exposed to women with careers as soon as she starts school. Lots of young children have the wrong end of the stick on lots of things. There's plenty of time for them to work out how the world works.

Sounds like youre quite judgement of sahm. We sacrificed a fair bit (well a whole salary!) So I could be a sahm for the preschool years, then worked part time while they were in primary which has been magical.

I'm sad that this isn't an option for more couples tbh, and increasingly so.