How to deal with 2 year old hitting

[Hazelnuttella]

I would really like some advice on how to tackle my DS hitting other children.

My DS (2 and 1 month) hits other children when he is feeling possessive/ territorial. For example a play date at our house if the other child picks up his toy he will snatch it back or push the child. Or if a child tries to take the toy he is holding, he will hit him.

My approach is to physically prevent it if I can see it’s about to happen. If it’s already happened I will say “no we don’t hit”, take away the toy, and remove him from the room. I’ll say things like “friend is very sad because you hit him” and “we can go back when you’re ready to play nicely/share” etc.

However, my thinking is that 2 year olds really don’t have much impulse control, he gets so angry he can’t stop himself lashing out (even though he knows it’s not acceptable). I give the immediate consequence, consistently, but it doesn’t prevent it from happening again.

So has anyone actually effectively stopped their DC hitting, or do you have to just keep trying to prevent it as much as possible until they grow out of it?

Shameless bumping.
I thought I would have at least got someone whose child has never hit anyone telling me how awful I am 😁

Hello! That sounds really tricky. My DD is only 12m so not had this yet, but I work at a school with a nursery attached. I've done a few sessions in there, and their approach is to "redirect" - so if your LO hits, we say "kind hands", and show them what they SHOULD do by modelling it to them. In theory this works great, but I know it takes a few goes for them to understand, especially at such a young age.
Sorry I can't be more helpful, but I just wanted to share with you in case it helped.

My child doesn't normally hit but he did get upset when other children had toys he wanted etc. It got a lot better when we started anticipating it way in advance. So not when he was just about to get upset, but starting the day before the playdate: 'Alex is coming to our house tomorrow. He might want to play with your toys. You can play with your toys too' and talk about how they're going to take turns. Or before we go to the playground talking about what he wants to play on and how if there are other children there he might have to wait his turn, etc. Knowing what's coming seems to help him deal with it without getting upset enough to react by crying (or hitting in the case of your DS). Mine also goes to nursery where they do a lot of work on taking turns so that probably helps.

Thank you both for replying.

DS does go to nursery and there are no behaviour problems there, thank goodness. It’s generally at home, probably because he feels it’s his space and his toys.

Will try to prep him more in advance about turn taking, sharing etc.

@Hazelnuttella Also praise the good behaviour too so they know what they should be doing, especially if they are just playing nicely. It is easy to almost ignore them when they are playing well and then jump in when they are not. For 2 year olds for bad behaviour is a short sharp response, so no hitting, remove child even if it is only a few steps away but make a big deal about the other child being hurt, comfort them, tell them sorry that they were hit. It sends a good clear message to both children.

For special toys before someone comes for a playdate I used to ask the children to remove any toys they wouldn't want to share at all and they were stored away for the duration.

Also teach them to try to trade toys rather than snatching. These are things you can do with him when it is just you and him. And play games that require turn taking and praise the good behaviour for good turn taking. I always tried to use positive words and phrases rather than negative. So if a child was running in school I would never say, "Don't run" but instead "Walking please" state the behaviour you want to see. So never "Don't drop the plate" but more "hold it tight" sort of thing. But 2 years olds lashing out is completely normal, they lack impulse control and are learning cause and effect. If you can position yourself close by so on the floor near them rather than say a sofa it helps you catch it if you see it about to happen.

@GuardTheGate thank you, your reply has really helped. It’s reassured me that generally I am doing the right things, but a very useful reminder to notice/praise the good behaviour more.

It's definitely him, not you

Both of our boys have had phases of physically rough behaviour. We found the best thing was silently picking DC up and removing them from the room, kicking and screaming if necessary, then sitting next to them in a quiet boring space (usually on the bottom steps at home) and talking slowly and calmly about how they will be taken away every time they push/hit/shout/demand [insert undesirable behaviour here].

They do need to grow out of it, I don't think there's a preventative as such, but they won't develop good behaviours if you don't start as you mean to go on.

@Hazelnuttella Ds2 bit a child on the face at nursery, I was mortified, then he started biting Ds1 on the arm at home. He was 2. I felt like the worst mother ever! All children go through phases of hitting or pushing but hopefully once they get words and can communicate better then that should die down.

The positive behaviour noticing, I will give you a perfect example. I was waiting for my sons to come out of the men's changing room at swimming and there is a viewing area where you can see the pool. A woman had her older child in the lesson so was sat in the viewing area. Her toddler who I reckon was no more than 18 months was sat in a pram, nothing to play with, no toys or books given to them. The Mother had her face in her phone. Every time the child kicked off arching their back etc the Mother then gave them attention, bit of rocking the pram and telling them to shush, then straight back to the phone. That child is getting the message that I get attention by doing <this> behaviour. Not great.

It is too easy to forget to praise independent play or nice play with other children, taking turns on the slide in a playground or a nice gesture like sharing a toy. We tend to all be ready to jump in to deal with the negative. I volunteered in a primary for a decade, the quiet working child is often overlooked in a classroom. I used to hand out stickers for sitting quietly, or just getting on with work or listening to the teacher etc. Children love to be told when they are doing stuff right.

Cherish it all, it goes way too quickly, film lots, especially of Grandparents interacting with their Grandchildren, narrate parts of the day whilst filming things your child is doing. I say this because both Dh and I have both lost our Mums, mine 13 years ago and our sons are now 20 and 17 years old. We have some lovely memories to look back on.

It's a normal development thing,they all do it,it's just complete consistency in not allowing it,ours no longer hits unless really really tired and dysregulated.never allow it,pick up on it calmly ever time.

Hi any improvements?

Hey I know this is an old thread but I am going through a similar situation - did they improve?