This sh*t is so hard - does it get easier?

[toodledo]

Hi, FTM and don't often post so hoping no-ones going to come for me.

I'm one exhausted, overwhelmed, almost broken mumma. My 10 month old is (I think) teething badly and is just so grumpy all the time. My days on mat leave (ending in sept) just feel like one massive void trying to fill it with entertainment and things to do to make the day go by faster. I've completely lost my identity and self worth just feeling like a caregiver 100% of the time.

I'm just not enjoying it at the moment. I feel like maybe I'm not maternal enough because I'm having such a hard time, crying every day and struggling to cope with a grizzly baby non stop. I feel like I have to numb myself to the crying or I'll just explode. Thankfully he sleeps through the night but we're lucky to get 2 hours of naps during the day, he wakes up screaming.

I do baby classes once a week and have tried to make mum friends although everyone else seems to be back at work or too busy to socialise. My DH is amazing and WFH but of course the bulk of it is on me. Of course when dad is around it's hugely entertaining and DC is always laughing!

I don't know how others cope with more than one child. As much as I love my DC, I certainly don't think I'll have any more...

Don't know what im looking for here necessarily - tips, support, a shoulder to cry on, anything really from others who've gone through this.

Hopeful bump

It gets easier, or at least different!

My oldest was a grizzler, hated being put down and wanted constant attention, usually seemed fairly unhappy. Maternity leave was hard work and I survived by doing a class every day and hoping that one day it would get better. As she has got older she has got nicer and nicer, she’s really good company now and I enjoy her (mostly). It gradually got better, not suddenly.

A few suggestions - first, do you want to go back to work sooner? I obviously did find it hard to juggle everything but work and time away from babies did help me feel more myself.

Do the classes have to be for babies? Are there any postnatal gym classes near you, or yoga? A class for you that you can take baby to, rather than pretending to enjoy nursery rhymes.

Do you think you might be a bit depressed? Would it be worth a check in with your health visitor or GP? Just something to consider.

Babies can be so hard, I’m sorry you’re having an unhappy maternity leave 💐

I think you should try to go out more. When my DCs were that age, I was at playgroup or other activities twice a day, every day. I'd have gone mad at home otherwise and would've hated it.

Thanks @Astromelia that's a good shout looking for yoga classes etc. my LB is very much on the move though and won't stay still for anything so I worry I might end up running after him all the time!

Re: depression, I don't think so no. I think it really is just how hard and intense it is looking after a baby 24-7. I'm also reeeeally feeling it with hormones resettling themselves and my cycle returning recently (I'm still BFing though).

Maternity leave is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, it makes my 9-5 seem like a bloody breeze. Still, sadly I don't like my job much and looking for something else so not exactly thrilled about returning to work.

Did you end up just having one? I'm glad to hear it gets easier and they give a bit more back.

Sorry you did say oldest so I'm assuming more than one!

If does get easier and it is very very hard work but what you are doing is important work. Find small pleasures for yourself during the day.

Have you read What Mothers Do, Even when it looks like nothing?

What Mothers Do: especially when it looks like nothing amzn.eu/d/fU3Lz02

Give yourself a break, expect hard work but the rewards ultimately are much more than you can know now.

Look for cafes that do baby and parent sessions, there's a couple near me that I've seen advertise them, one at a garden centre and another in a cafe/bar. They have baby toys and mats and things down but otherwise it's more about the parent than anything. An opportunity to go have coffee and cake with a load of other people in the same situation (knackered, a bit grumpy and ready for some adult conversation).

I tend to agree with this actually. Apart from illness or terrible weather, Ive always tried to go out at least once a day. I find being stuck at home with them (have two atm) soo much harder, lonely and stressful. Both my kids cry a lot at home but have always also been happier out! Could you try to go to more groups? Baby cinema? Parks over the summer?

It definitely gets easier! Nurofen and anbesol liquid are effective pain killers for teething pain.

I'm a SAHM and I have to do classes/ playgroups everyday or I go insane. I have to have plans in the morning and the afternoon cos yeah it's bloody tough otherwise! Have a look at church's/children centres they're either free or £1/2

We also go to gymboree a lot... 4/5 times a week, that's a godsend. Then play dates etc... have you tried peanut?xx

Not in my opinion it doesn’t. That’s not helpful at all but it’s my truth sorry!

I have two now, a 3 year gap though tbh I would have waited longer if it had been solely down to me!

Second time round it has been harder in some ways but in others much easier. Helpfully, my second has a different temperament and was much less intense. Big one stayed in nursery 3 days a week and those days were blissful 😁I loved most of my second maternity leave. The solo with two days were hard, but they’re getting easier now. Kids are 4.75 and 18 months.

Sorry to hear work isn’t appealing, no wonder you’re overwhelmed, without a job you like it must feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

Do take a look at the mum classes. You’ll chase him a lot but so will everyone else, and it’s so good for you to do things for your own wellbeing.

This evening I put my older daughter to bed with a story, kissed her goodnight and she went to sleep alone in her bed. 3 years ago I wouldn’t have believed she could ever do that but she does it. If I need to get the toddler to sleep she will sit quietly on the iPad until I come back, no chasing me crying anymore. She draws me pictures, makes me hearts out of magnatiles. Yesterday I gave her a piece of my nectarine and she said “Thank you Mummy, that was very nice of you” in the most sincere way. One day your son will do the same. Everything is temporary with kids, and you’re doing a good job.

I remember that feeling- it gets easier in stages/harder sometimes, depending on the child.

What saved my sanity was finding an exercise class that had a free crèche. Finally gave me back some 'me' time, met loads of other mums and started getting fitter which meant I had more energy which made everything easier at home.

I also used to walk miles every day with the pushchair as fresh air made kid cry less and sleep more 😂

DC2 is 1 and I’m coming back to the end of my maternity leave. For me, the baby stage is the worst. Feels more rewarding and balanced when they understand stuff, can talk and get input from nursery and school rather than just me. It will get better. I think all women don’t feel themselves, I only just feel properly myself after now DC1 is 5. Try and go out while the weather is good but don’t force yourself if it’s stressful.

I literally could have written your post, all the points such as finding myself crying a lot, when dad is around baby is all of a sudden very happy, just not enjoying it and feeling like the loneliest person in the world. My baby is also 10 months. I don't have words of wisdom cause I am going through the exact same feelings, to the point I have actually been thinking I may have a bit of post natal depression but seeing your post has helped that maybe it's just the age and it's quite common to feel like this at this point. I'm convincing myself that it's just a tough stage and I'll get through it, every tough little part.

Thanks everyone for all your responses. I'm going to look for extra baby groups or messy play to go to - annoyingly some are during critical nap time but I'm determined to fill the time with something other than watching my living room get destroyed

I made one very very good friend from peanut and we used to hang out all the time but she's now back at work which is perhaps why I'm feeling the endless void so much atm. I would love to make more local mum friends.

I am lucky to escape to the gym most days for an hour or so during nap time (if DH isn't in a meeting), so I know I have it better than a lot of other mums on mat leave, yet I struggle so much still for the rest of the day atm. Thank god for the gym though, keeps me a bit sane.

@Cas112 you're not alone and this is honestly so brutally hard and never ending, much more than I could have ever imagined, so I feel your pain right with you. PM if you like!

Also just to answer your question, I think it does get easier, yes. My eldest is now 5 and I find her much easier and more enjoyable than at 10 months, by miles!

Your council should have a Family Information Service who will provide you with a list of every playgroup in your Borough.

My kids are a lot older now bit that's who I contacted when I was a SAHM looking for things to take the kids to and they were brilliant.

Mines got easier at 3.5 years, she sat for an entire 45 minutes with a sticker book today while I was cooking and tidying up the kitchen. I don’t have a maternal bone in my body and really struggled for the first year. It does get much easier and their little personalities come out much more as they get a bit bigger. I felt like I had been obliterated by having a child, like a big chunk of me had just died. I don’t feel like that anymore. Hang in there, it does get easier.

I had mine just before COVID and I really missed not being able to get out and about. Go out as much as possible, any excuse just get out (I know you are probably knackered as well) but it’s easier outside (before your baby is a toddler, toddlers are hard in a whole different way).

Urrggghhh the baby stage is the worst, and feels like it goes on forever. When you have an awful baby though every other stage seems likes a breeze in comparison. Mines 17 now and every stage since has been wonderful compared to the baby stage.